Fear of abandonment

[BBUser98]

For the past 2 years I have been in a relationship that has proved to be very intense at times and problematic with communication. 1 week ago my partner said she wanted to end it to look after herself and so I could look after myself. 2 days ago she went to a psychologist who told her it’s extremely likely that I have BPD after she mentioned it as I told her I am suspicious of having it. Of the 9 traits I have all 9 quite severely. I’ve looked for help and a mental health assessment but my gp has called in sick 2 appointments in a row. Her psychologist told her that we shouldn’t contact eachother for 3 months and I reluctantly agreed so that I can help her. I promised her I’d look after myself but it is so hard, I’ve slept less than 2 hours a night for the past week and barely have the appetite to eat anymore. Im so paranoid that after 3 months she won’t love me anymore and will abandon me which I really can’t take and I can’t stop thinking about it. I really feel at the end of my tether. As with the BPD I don’t know if I can take that either, it means a whole lifetime of being absolutely miserable and unable to live a normal life. Im also constantly overwhelmed by guilt that I’ve hurt her during our relationship due to feelings I can’t control.

any advice is welcome, I don’t know what to do anymore. I live by myself and my family and friends aren’t close by. I feel completely alone.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi 哈哈哈,

A very warm welcome to the forum and thank you for telling us your story. I am truly sorry to hear about what you have been through. It's obvious you love and care for your partner and want to do the right thing.

To be perfectly honest, I think it irresponsible and unprofessional of your partner's psychologist to decide you might have BPD and voice it with her, which information she then shared with you. He/she could've suggested you seeing a professional help to assess it but not to label you without even talking to you. This is certainly not helping anybody involved: not your girlfriend, nor yourself.

Also, I know that the Internet these days offers some tools to check on any illness and make you think that you might be suffering from this or that. This suspicion and unconfirmed knowledge can only add to your worries. I think you have shown great responsibility and a good sense in trying to see your GP. If your GP isn't available, maybe you should try another. Seeing and getting a professional assessment should clarify things for you and give you guidance as to what to do next. Please do not feel discouraged as there is help and it is achievable and available to all of us.

Also, your partner might need some space and it would be good to respect this. We all need it from time to time. Please don't beat yourself up, though, when it comes to analysing the past. As you mentioned yourself, the communication was not always there and for that to happen there need to be more than one person involved.

Look after yourself there and let us know how you go after seeing a GP.

Take good care.

[BBUser98]

Thank you for your response! I have also talked to my mother who is a former nurse and social worker, she also can’t believe she was told that by a psychologist and thinks it’s very unlikely I have bpd comparing me to the clients she’s had that suffer from it.
I’m worried she may have skewed everything so that the psychologist is on her side. My plan is to consult the same psychologist after I’ve had a mental health assessment to explain both sides of the story so that she can get accurate help and that I can still give her space. I’m hoping she can have an assessment done too so that we are on the same page and have a proper understanding of each others situation as we have both had major troubles in our childhood we both could be affected by something, after all accusations only lead to insecurity.
I have another gp appointment tomorrow morning and looking forward to the progress that can be made.

once again thank you so much for your quick response I’m very grateful

[Sophie_M]

Hey 哈哈哈,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members,

It sounds like a really difficult time, and we're sorry to hear you're having so much trouble eating and sleeping. We have reached out to you privately to check you're ok. If you feel like talking it through at any point, our counsellors are here 24/7, you can reach us on 1300 22 4636, or on the online chat icon at the top right of this page. 

t's great to hear that you've been able to speak about this with your mother, and are seeing the GP tomorrow. These are really great steps to have taken.

Thank you for sharing this. As Learn to Fly has shown, this community is really welcoming and understanding, and we all appreciate the openness and bravery it takes to share your story here. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Learn to Fly]

Hi 哈哈哈,

You are very welcome and I am very glad if I could help in any way.

I love the fact you'd spoken to your mother and received some wise advice. The support from members of our families is priceless and it's great to hear you can talk to your mother.
You sound a bit better my friend and I truly hope that the professional help you are getting will put some of your worries at ease. One step at a time and always closer to getting better.

Always here to chat, if you feel up to it.

[Petal22]

Hello,

Im sorry this is happening to you.

Its unfair that a psychologist said to your partner that it’s extremely likely you have BPD without doing an assessment on you themselves.

A clinical psychologist can diagnose a normal psychologist can’t……..

Try to make an appointment with your gp so you can do a mental health plan and then have a referral for a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist these people can diagnose.

If you do have BPD there is help available for you, please don’t think the worse of how your life may be…….. there are people who can help you.

[41singleBNE]

Surely a good, properly trained psychologist would remain impartial at ALL times and definitely not pass value judgements like the stuff you're portraying. This seems terribly unprofessional, and is hurtful. Not only to your partner but yourself also.

Your mother sounds like she has real and proper insight. My mother too is a retired social worker. From all the psy-chologist/chiatrists I've plonked myself in front of over the years, mum's been by far the best. Like Petal mentioned, whomever has been treating your partner needs to stop firing off half cocked if you ask me.

It's a stressful time indeed. Do your best to block out and shield yourself from any ill informed data, whether it be from the web, your partner and her psychologist etc. Listen and take comfort from your mum she knows you better than anybody.