Falling back down the hole

[ChilledChaos]

Hello....

I have been sitting here for the last 10 mins, staring at the screen, thinking how do I put what is in my head, into words on a forum with a bunch of strangers. I really should be at work today, but have taken a sick day (once again), as I just don't want to see anyone and put that fake polite facade on that every this good and I had a great weekend. Truth be told, for the last several months, I only go outside my front door for work or to take the garbage bin out. I have been actively avoiding going out, even to the shops - thank goodness for internet shopping. Pretty much my entire socialization is online only.

Over a year ago, I came out of a severe bout of depression (not the first time), including taking antidepressant medication and therapy sessions. I hate taking the medication, even though it helps and gives me more positive confidence, I dislike what it does to my brain and memory. I have had two Therapists in the past that were lovely, but I feel they weren't able to assist, as I have had an unusual background, both did mention I must have learnt to have a lot resilience at a young age and should even write a book about my life. Yes, it has made me wiser and good at human nature, however, I feel like an outcast, a bit of a fake.

Like many, I feel CoVID, gave me a reason to indulge in depressive behaviours and isolation (probably more like avoidance), it become a blanket of comfort, but the silence was deafening. As restrictions eased and we started going back to normal, I wasn't able to adjust, however once again, I pretended I was fine. My workload tripled, and I have suffered severe burnout, to the point it affected my health and my blood pressure hitting dangerous levels. I have decided to quit my job and remove myself from the casework industry.

I feel trapped, confused and hopeless at times, I know I need to take some time to rest, but I'm not in a financial situation for that. The hardest thing is having limited support and not having anyone to lean on. I'm a self-saboteur, have a fear of success, lost motivation and joy. Ironically, I'm the person, people come for advice and support, that is happy, friendly and approachable, but man I'm a totally complex mess and just want to have some peace from it all.

How do people find ways to become friends with the darkness and still function in society. Are we just faking it and going through the motions, one day at a time. Along with where do you find support when you're vulnerable.

[sunnyl20]

Hello ChilledChaos,

I am really sorry to hear that things are feeling so awful for you. It sounds like you are struggling to find any enjoyment or hope for the future, and feeling really stuck. I think you are right - it sounds like you need some time away from work. Do you have any leave available that you can take? I understand that financially it can be difficult to take a break, but is it possible that long term it will be better both mentally & financially in helping you to reduce burnout? If taking leave is not an option, would it be possible to decrease your work hours temporarily to give you a bit more of a buffer?

I know it is easier said than done, and finding motivation can be especially difficult when you are feeling rubbish, but it may be helpful to try and plan something in your week to look forward to, or if you feel up to it maybe even trying something like volunteering to reconnect with others. It doesn't have to be big, whatever feels reasonable and achievable for you. Just something that will shine a little bit of light in the darkness. E.g. is there something that you haven't done for a long time that you used to enjoy?

In terms of finding support when you are feeling vulnerable, helplines can be a useful resource. You can call the Beyondblue helpline (1300 22 4636) or Lifeline (13 11 14) at any time (24/7). It can be so difficult when you feel like you are constantly supporting other people as that person others turn to for advice, while simultaneously feeling alone with no one to hear you. Is there anyone you have opened up to in the past who you feel you could talk to or catch up with?

Please don't hesitate to talk more as and when you feel up to it. Take care.

[Amanda2000]

Hi ChilledChaos,

I feel for you very much. I'm also the type who hides inside the house and covid has given me a valid excuse to stay in my comfort zone! I'm still working from home at the moment but I do worry about having to return to the office. Yes I totally dread the question "how was your weekend" every Monday.

I try to view it as not "faking" but rather behaving differently in a different situation. At work you need to keep your composure and engage in polite conversations. Just like when you're all dressed-up attending a wedding/formal event, you would walk in a way that's different to walking around the house dressed in your pyjamas.

Keeping things simple works best for me. Distraction helps me a lot. If I'm trying to lift my spirits during my downtime, watching sitcoms is a good way to relax my mind (unlike movies which can take a lot of mental energy to follow the storyline, I find sitcoms to be much easier to digest). If I'm unhappy about something in my work situation, I try to focus on the task on hand and really get into it. Say if I'm writing an email, I try to imagine I'm writing a masterpiece that a lot of people will read and praise. It gives me a sense of satisfaction that my piece of writing reads well.

My last resort is just to "ride it out". Time passes at the same pace regardless of whether you're happy or sad. The bad feelings will pass one day.

[Guest_206]

Hi there ChilledChaos, how are you going now?
So I am definitely taking it one day at a time now, just trying to get through each day as best I can. I'm sorry that your work tripled and you experienced burn out- that's awful.
I really don't know how we make friends with the darkness and continue to function. I've been checking out the BB forums after work everyday, partly because I want to connect with others who also are struggling, and partly because I have nothing else to do.
I know what you mean about barely leaving the house - I feel embarrassed that someone might notice.