Facing up to it

[Horizon]

Hello all!

its been a year since I took up some big changes to deal with avoiding that black chasm. The first six months of this year were great. I acknowledged a situation at work was not working for me and began a new job as an educator in a kinder program. I still found myself doubting my actions everyday and often ran through a checklist of questions, "am I doing enough? Am I any good at my job? Would they tell me if I'm not doing things right or that I should be doing more?"  I'd remind myself that of course my colleagues would and I'm just being anxious and the thoughts wee just thoughts. This was a huge step forward for me as a year back these kind of thoughts weren't questions but statements that I choose to use to describe every single facet of my life past, present and future.  

I guess I thought I was better. Beyond that point where I couldn't face it anymore. And I'd plan how I could easily just disappear and how I'd do it. These  scenarios became a constant daydream. 

They're back. I got moved, unwillingly, into another position where the educating team do not work well together. I'm supposed to help them unify. I don't think I'm emotionally strong enough to cope with it.  I don't want to talk to any of the very few friends I have about it . I don't want to be the 'Debbie downer'. But it's all started again. The questions have become statements again. I'm starting to think that everyone thinks I'm an idiot. I feel like a fraud. I should be able to control this.  How do you stay strong when it all starts to slide again?


beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. 

[white knight]

Hi Horizon, welcome

So, your mind control is wavering and your confidence is low...combined to result in a potential disaster with your work.? If I get that right?

Well they did select you to "unify" a team that isn't a team didn't they?

Mindgames, those thoughts and fears that come with no warning and like a ship without a rudder they make us so vulnerable. Yes, I've had these moments but not long ones nor frequent. What did I do to overcome them?

My insecurities forced me to find solace, comfort form others so I could move forward quickly. Quickly because then once my decisions have been made and I'm moving on I accelerate through the feelings. Its then done.

I've heard there are computer programs that can help with mind control. They use them for sufferers of ADHD.

Otherwise one can only suggest you back yourself and do things YOUR WAY.

Take care.  Tony WK

[Sophie_M]

Hi Horizon, thanks for your post.

Thank you for sharing your story with the beyondblue forum community. We hope you get some helpful and supportive responses from the other Users. We are writing to you to offer you our support after reading your post. We can see how much your thoughts and feelings are impacting on your well-being since your recent job change.

Horizon it is so excellent to see that you have managed previous, similar feelings and thoughts through brilliant self-talk. This is an excellent strategy to support you to stay well. Nonetheless when thoughts of suicide are involved, it’s often an indication that you need more support.

It’s important to remember that mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety change the way people think, making it difficult for the person to see a way out, causing them to feel negative or hopeless about the future. Sometimes this will lead to thoughts of suicide. It is so important you keep reminding yourself that your feelings are based on the illness, not reality. In reality there are always ways to solve problems and feel better. Nothing is permanent and everything can change for the better.

You have asked about what steps you can take to manage these thoughts now. A really good first step is to see your doctor for an assessment of your symptoms. The doctor can provide a mental and physical health assessment and discuss possible supports and treatments with you. The two most effective treatments for depression and anxiety tend to be medication or counselling with a mental health professional. Some people choose to access one of those treatments, while others access both at the same time. It is up to you what you feel comfortable with. Often lifestyle changes can make a big difference too. You can read about other treatments here:

Treatments for depression

Treatments for anxiety

If you don't have a regular doctor, the beyondblue website has a list of doctors and other professionals who specialise in depression and anxiety. This lets you search for doctors and mental health professionals in your area. If there isn't a doctor listed close to you it can be helpful to ask friends or family for a recommendation. A doctor can refer you to a mental health professional, such as a psychologist, for counselling if this is what you choose. Gaining a referral for counselling through your doctor and the Better Outcomes initiative will allow you to have subsidised counselling sessions through Medicare so this makes sure that it is affordable Horizon.

If you are ever feeling at risk of harming yourself or ending your life it is important you get help immediately. You can do this by:
• Speaking to your doctor if he or she is available right now
• Calling the Mental Health Team at your nearest hospital
• If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

Remember Horizon, you do not have to put up with feeling this way. There is lots of help out there for you. We are always here to support you too. You are also very welcome to call our support and information line on 1300 22 4636 if you have further concerns or questions. We are available 24 hours and we are here to help in anyway that we can. We also have web chat service available from 3pm-midnight 7 days a week, you can access this from our website.