existential side of the illness

[bigstar]

So,

after having rather acute anxiety for as long as I can remember (my first memories are panic attacks in benign situations) I have thought that maybe I do have this awful chemical imbalance. Despite my anxiety, I have forced myself to do things that seemed unendurable because I have a pretty overdeveloped rational mind as well and that part of me sometimes can overcome the hardwired automatic responses to situations and I can at least have this kinda detachment from the anxiety even though I suffer it. But I am thirty years old. Four months ago the anxiety caused what I can explain as a total destruction of self--and I had some of the most intense anxiety and depression I've ever had. I call these ground zero moments--in terms of psychology--they reduce me to nothing and there is just a fleshy body with thoughts that know something has gone horribly wrong. The first time I had this experience I was 22 and I saw a therapist. She told me I had depersonalization/derealization/GAD and depression and so on. But I 'recovered' through philosophy. The thing is, I know I have this chemical imbalance. And that it isn't my fault. But the other thing is that this chemical imbalance has caused catastrophic damage to the structures of self--they bring on the existential dilemmas faced--like meaninglessness, selflessness, hopelessness, and I keep struggling but for what? And worst of all, I am perpetually confused by existence. The second I find myself being 'in the moment' and free like an animal there is a part of my brain that detaches and says 'what the hell is going on--who are you and why are all these people around you and why did you even say the things that you said and how do you use your mouth and dont you know you are just a fleshy body and this thing called consciousness is super frigging crazy and holy cow what is even happening' and then I get overwhelmed on an existential level and either need to leave the room and have a beer or go for a run.

Anyways my subconscious structures have just collapsed and now I am an over analytical brain that is overly self aware of itself and its hard to come back to naivety I suppose. My former self seems like a distant memory and I've been like this for 4 months and can't even remember what its like to be happy.

Anyways--I don't want to do meds either. But I was just wondering--how many other users here find the existential side of the illness unbearable??? What do you do to try turn it off?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi bigstar,

I love how you expressed yourself. Having said that though, being articulate doesn’t lessen how much you’re struggling of course. You seem frustrated, perhaps “searching” and feeling tormented or at least that’s the impression that I get of you.

I almost don’t know how to respond because I feel as though you have expressed a lot of things much better than I ever could. Admittedly, I probably relate less to your rational mind (I’m definitely not the most rational person) but your comments on your existential dilemmas really struck a chord with me.

I, in my own way, feel very lost and am plagued day and night by my struggles with a lack of meaning and hopelessness. It’s actually extremely painful and frustrating for me so I think that I get where you’re coming from.

But I was just wondering--how many other users here find the existential side of the illness unbearable??? What do you do to try turn it off?

How I wish I had an answer. Sighs. I honestly don’t know how to switch it off either. Sometimes I feel the best that I can do is to numb the pain because I don’t know how to make those feelings go away. So I have a lot of “bandaids” rather than an effective remedy.

It is really quite excrutiating. I can definitely relate. I’m not saying this is what I recommend anyone else to do but to be honest, I often turn to alcohol. I know it’s not a healthy coping mechanism but I don’t profess to be a role model by any means.

Perhaps a healthier option is to try to create our own sense of meaning...except that’s really hard. You know, the whole “life has no underlying meaning” philosophy and how it’s up to each one of us to create our own individual sense of meaning, etc, etc. So I try desperately to create/find meaning but I often draw a blank. It’s tough...

Sorry, I feel as though I’m not being very helpful but if it helps in the slightest, I feel for you as I struggle with a lot of similar issues too.

I hope you feel welcome to use this space to write as often as you like (only if you want). We would love to hear from you again.

caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Blackstar]

This post really resonates with me. I have always believed that happiness is not something you must strive for. What we see on social media and TV on and on is not a depiction of the reality of life. You will have your ups and downs. You will have tedious and dull days, weeks... it shouldnt always be a party. What I have learnt recently is to accept that dullness (although my anxiety is telling me to go go go!). Its a tricky but resourseful thing to teach yourself. How can you be content with your silence? I do believe silence is important these days...more than ever. There is a book about that actually... i think its called "Silence in the age of Noise"

The very fact that you found philosophy and used it as a tool to help you on your journey is very clever. You can see it(yourself), you want to investigate it. Dont stop that. Its a great way to channel your energies and emotions and a rare tool kit to posses.

I have anxiety and went through a rough patch around September last year and I too lost the 'illusion' of happiness. Im very different to who I was a few years ago, even 5 months ago. I have always felt life has no meaning, and use cynicism to get me through the daily, but when I broke down last year, it was the pits of an existential crisis. Regardless, I still put on a face and went to work, until I had a panic attack and my body called it quits. I had a boyfriend, a great job, just graduating and turned 25... then it all fell apart.

I saw multiple psychologists and I also refused medication...because I believe in the power of self healing. Anxiety, depression and so on is not something you can "turn off" - especially if you are someone who is very aware of your condition, your actions and so on. When you are overly self aware...it can be harder. Use that. Write things down. Study yourself. I find distractions by giving back to local communities (food runs once a fortnight- on the days I feel I can). I am a regular yogi and have promised myself that I will teach one day. I also am a lover of all things beautiful and edible so I try to learn a new cooking skill every day. Cooking distracts me. It makes me momentarily content!

The point is here... is that you clearly are an intelligent soul, so you can use this ability to put a schedule together that gives you something to do and fills moments up. Alone. Learning to be content with yourself, in your silence... is the first step to "turning it off". Always have self compassion and kindness.

[bigstar]

Hey thanks for the responses. Both very thoughtful and very helpful to read! I'm glad I've found people who try stay off the meds too(not saying that taking meds is bad!!!)--as I just don't believe that my problem is entirely chemical although I think I can observe the part that is (the anxiety response system) . Which is why, like Pepper, I use alcohol 'strategically' to deal with any mounting anxiety especially at the end of the day. Cooking is a hard thing for me to do, but on Monday I was feeling good and cooked for me and all my housemates and was able to eat it but to be honest the existential nausea makes it difficult maintaining an appetite so I just usually order in and eat it very slowly.

Blackstar I had a challenging and enjoyable day job too which I was able to work while I had anxiety but one day I just snapped and got home and couldn't stop crying because of how unbearable ordinary life had become so I never went back. And my partner of four years left me soon after I told her that I wasn't even 'here' anymore and that I didn't have the strength to PRETEND to be 'here' and so yeah a lot has changed in the past four months.


After some reflection I have started to think of my anxiety and depression in a metaphorical way. Anxiety for me is like a tornado going through a small town that has structures and you could consider these structures as making up the self. They are all connected through roads and they all have power and so forth. Once the tornado is seen there is nothing I can do to stop it--and it comes mercilessly towards my town (this is perhaps the chemical element of mental illness) and all I can do is just endure the storm for however long it lasts. But after the storm I can see the destruction. All the structures that I never ever considered could not exist, now don't exist, except for their footings maybe, everything is destroyed and roads are blocked and power is out and there is just devastation despite the calm. And thats what the depression is for me. Depression is the landscape thats left after the anxiety just ravages everything to bits. And the reason why this is so existential is because you have to think about things like how you're going to rebuild, wha is the purpose of certain buildings, how do I unblock these roads, what the hell are buildings anyway? And what is that gross detritus beneath the floors ? I've never seen that before. And so on and so on.

I don't know if you guys can relate to that ?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi bigstar,

It’s great to hear from you again 🙂

Your description of your Anxiety Tornado and the Depressed Aftermath was almost poetic. Very sad but poetic in a way.

It sounds like your anxiety really erodes your sense of identity and self. Charges in...like a tornado. No wonder you feel depressed afterwards. A bleak landscape that’s left.

But hey, here’s the thing. As long as there’s some semblance of land, I suppose there’s also room to re-build. But that’s also the hard part: how do you rebuild from nothing?

But maybe it’s not nothing. Even destruction leaves traces. I wonder if you can use those traces (those fragments of “you”) as little building blocks to re-build. Perhaps don’t dwell too much on the “why” (admittedly it’s a little hypocritical coming from me as “why?” is one of my favourite questions) and just see what you can build from the remnants of you. Maybe see it as a self-discovery experiment: if you start re-building, and even if you don’t really know why you’re doing it, you might “find you” in the process. As in “find” by doing, and if this is completely ineffective, well, at least you will know to try something else. Trial and error, right?

I feel as though I’m not being particularly helpful but I hear what you’re saying. My existential woes manifest differently to yours but I still feel as though I understand what you’re trying to say.

I hear your pain and frustration. Wishing you the very best and hope to hear from you again.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Blackstar]

Hey bigstar - you have a knack with words - go you! If you had a blog, I would subscribe.

Beautiful and poetic, your metaphorical description really touched me. The answer to your last question is no, we can't relate. We all have different experiences of the past, a lot of the time this determines our present and our futures. Not one person could wholly relate to the other. We all feel emotion in different ways. Sometimes they can take over and wipe everything out in their path, just like you described, sometimes we just let them pass by, like clouds. Some of us learn techniques in order to let them pass by, like meditation. These techniques take time to learn and are difficult, but worth it when you master the skill. Others keep themselves busy or find distractions. When the latter are not probable solutions, where do you go? what do you do? how do you pick up the pieces and reconstruct the vision?

I find myself in a place where my life isn't taking the shape I assumed it would, and so I no longer know who I am or why I am. However, I feel the need to embrace that - I owe it to myself, to be kind to myself. I finally understand that being kind to oneself is understanding how long life can be, and how many possibilities there are. Maybe there is no linear logic or connected narrative to what has or will occur, but it can be as simple as you choose it to be and there is nothing reprehensible about that.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi bigstar and Blackstar,

Blackstar, interesting and philosophical replies. I really gained from reading your words.

You both intrigue me with your views. I find your thoughts fascinating and eye opening. Thank you so much for sharing.

As a loosely relevant aside, sometimes I think one coping mechanism that could work for me is “mastery.” Self mastery? Mastery of a skill? Mastery of something. Who knows...I’m still figuring it out at this stage. I’m one very lost person so I feel that most of the time, I don’t make much sense to even myself (let alone anyone else).

Anyway, sorry, I don’t want to derail the conversation but I just wanted to share some of my thoughts and express my appreciation for your comments 🙂

Hope to hear from you both again.

Pepper