Ennui and Depression

[Benny33]

Hi,
Um, so I'm in my late twenties and I've had Depression/Anxiety for over 10 years, and have gone through numerous medications and psychologists/counsellors over that time, so in a way I'm fairly experienced with it, eg. I've matured past the stages where I was potentially suicidal, I'm quite good as assessing and modifying my thoughts and actions, I'm fairly comfortable talking about it with other people and I'm much more in control of my emotions etc. I do still get the common depression symptoms: struggling to find things enjoyable/feeling numb, feeling isolated or lost/crying, feelings of dread/hopelessness etc.

My big problem is that while I've matured and pretty well manage my negative emotional/impulsive thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, I have now calmly and rationally come to the conclusion that life and how I/we live it is actually fairly awful, boring and depressing. eg.
My friends are becoming less social and inclined/available to do social things as we get older.
I also don't seem to enjoy things on the same level as other people. Things like movies, social media, going to cafes, dinner parties etc. These are all fine, and I enjoy them well enough while I'm doing them, but I don't find them fulfilling or particularly engaging, they're just fun little distractions, like a mobile phone game.
I'm pretty good at engaging with new people, but it is very hard to make new friends as a lot of people don't really want to expand their established social circle.
I feel a kind of societal obligation that I should be spending more time working, even if it's something unfulfilling. I know earning money is important, but what's the point if in my leisure time there's nothing fun to spend it on/no-one available to do fun things with.

I'm not suicidal at all, I just have a suspicion/feeling that life actually sucks, and that's more worrying because I feel I've come to that conclusion rationally. I'm also very responsible regarding alcohol and drugs, but now and then I somewhat rationally think maybe I should start drinking a lot more or give hard drugs a go because maybe that'll be properly enjoyable and help me forget the day-to-day dullness of things (I know that that is a terrible idea, but you know, carrying on the way things are doesn't seem that much better).
I am hopeful that I'll one day discover that actually life is good and fun etc. I just don't really know where to go from here.
Any thoughts/suggestions would be appreciated.
Thank you

[PamelaR]

Hello Benny

Welcome to Beyond Blue (BB) forums. You'll find us a supportive bunch of people willing to share our ideas, experiences and knowledge. The BB home page also contains factual information that you can browse.

You sound very experienced in managing your depression and anxiety - fantastic, well done. It's good when you can make changes to your life that you need to, to help lessen the ongoingness of mental illness (MI).

It seems to me that you're at a stage, not just because of MI, but also as you say, you are maturing. We don't stay the same. Things change, our circumstances change, our physical bodies change. It's ongoing throughout our lives. Friendships, I have found are like that too. That's okay! It just means looking for alternatives in your life.

Benny, do you work? Either paid or voluntary work? I just ask because it gives me an idea about some of the things I can suggest. Without this knowledge, I'll makes some suggestions that may help or may not.

I'm sure you will have thought about some hobbies or other interests, e.g. walking groups (do a search online for groups in your area), reading groups (through the library), nature groups (as in flora and fauna 🙂 ), environmental groups, photography groups, dancing groups. The hardest part for any of these is taking the first step and getting there. One of the things I did in my 20s when I was totally bored with my nightclubbing with friends was to try a folk club. Well, that was fantastic, made many friends (friends who I still have, spread out through Australia and those that are still alive). But I have moved on from the group for various reasons (again I think boredom, but also they are very much such in tradition). More recently I've taken up an interest in flora, fauna and photography. I'm meeting some great people through this, with the potential to make some very good friends. It all takes time. Especially if you are someone like me and don't trust people very easily.

Make your life exciting. To be honest, no one is going to do that for you. How about travel? Depends on money I know, but you can work out ways of doing it on the cheap. Set yourself some goals!

There is life out there - and it is good, interesting and can be profoundly rewarding.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Croix]

Dear Benny33~

Thank you for your (concise:) post. you are very welcome here.

You have succeeded and given a pretty clear picture of how you feel. Looking at your life from the outside you are certainly a sensible and self-aware person and seem to have reached a pretty good stage in managing your symptoms. I would think the basic problem might be you simply have not found your niche in life.

True the mindset that accompanies depression may well highlight this and even give you the feeling to attain such is impossible, however it's not the case.

If I could quote you for a moment:

Things like movies, social media, going to cafes, dinner parties etc. These are all fine, and I enjoy
them well enough while I'm doing them, but I don't find them fulfilling or
particularly engaging, they're just fun little distractions, like a
mobile phone game.

I find the same thing, they are enjoyable, and for me a distraction which is needful, however I could not fill my life with them. There has to be more.

I started adult life which a goal, which unfortunately was became unattainable when I was invalided out of my occupation. I found another as an educator. As well I've been lucky enough to have had two partners to share life with.

I've no idea what you would find satisfying and fulfilling, or also if being in a relationship is what you want or need. I do think that all the 'entertainment' type things in life will simply not be enough for you. Harnessing your abilities to some end may be.

What do you think?

Croix

[RationalDave]

I'm in furious agreement with the previous replies, you've clearly not found the thing that you really love. It's an elusive animal and nobody can see it but you. On the other hand, when you do have your head in the right place you can see things you may not otherwise have seen, too. Depression is a catch 22 isn't it? It's easy to see 'The Way' when you're on top of the world, but from the bottom of a sink hole all you can see is a pin point of light teasing you into believing it can be better.

Firstly, I can acutely appreciate that you feel you have a good handle on your emotions and actions, I feel that way too. By contrast, I'm also very conscious of the fact that I don't know what I don't know. I'm still constantly learning about myself and working out what makes me happy. So being cognisant of the introspection skills you already have is valuable, but maintaining an open mindset about how you might learn new things about yourself is arguably more valuable. I certainly can't agree that you need to seek a more extreme experience to find joy, on the contrary, finding joy in everyday activities is far more rewarding.

Personally, the thing that I know I can apply to any activity and feel good about it is pride. Have you washed that plate well? Are you proud of how clean it is? What about the checkout attendant at the super market, was I courteous and polite? Am I proud of the impression I left him/her with? When my son asks me about my day, does he come away from the conversation feeling joy? Have I taken enough pride in my response to show him how much I truly care? What can I do differently in my daily life that will make me and the people around me happier... ? When you start doing it you find yourself seeing things you otherwise wouldn't.

It may seem like a quaint exercise, but it's probably the most powerful thing I've learned about myself in my life; you can consciously change your attitude at will.

Dave.