Emotional well-being test and self calibration.

IPlay · ‎06-11-2018

Just now I scored a 48% depression and 15% anxiety. Moderate and mild. This morning I dropped my partner off at work and on the way home I cried. Straight faced and silent, tears methodically welling up and one by one rolling down my face. I felt aware of my thoughts at the time as I was trying to figure out why but I could not pin-point any string of thoughts that may have caused it. Is this normal for others that have scored similar on their tests? Before my dog died I never cried for anything. Honestly, I even fought so hard to be strong for my wife when our lifeless dog was on the vet table; I didn't even cry then. I think the next 1000 times I was alone after that though I cried like I hadn't since I was a child. And after that day, I guess I just cry now. I went from never crying - to crying for no reason. I wasn't even thinking about him this morning. He died late last year. Am I still feeling the effects of this? I'm changed for ever now. It might sound silly to some but my partner and I were closer to that dog than we were to anyone else.

Croix · ‎06-11-2018

Dear IPlay~

The depth of love and feelings people have for pets varies greatly, I think that you, like me, feel grief over their loss very greatly. And there is no timetable for it. I still feel the loss of a cat from 60 years ago - not silly, just life. It does not mean you love others less, it's not the sort of thing you can put in a balance. All it means is you love.

Those tests are not a substitute for the diagnosis of a proper doctor, they are a simple self-test and are not good enough to base you life on as there are too many other factors.. I would suggest you go see a doctor and say what has been happening (book a long appointment)

You told of supporting your wife at the vets, being strong for her. Do you think now might be a time for her to be strong for you. I found my wife was stronger, more capable and more resilient than I'd ever thought. I saw her though new eyes and she was a source of comfort and perspective.

I really would like it if you came back and talked more

Croix

IPlay · ‎07-11-2018

Thanks for the reply Croix,

I think the thought of seeing a doctor about this is what brought me here. I'm so apprehensive about "coming out" as having depression or even being diagnosed. I hate the idea, somehow it makes it real. I'm not even sure I have it. I've lost perspective. Trying to get some from forums.

I'm struggling to complete my phd thesis and my mental health has degraded slowly over the past 3 years and I am applying for leave on grounds of mental health but I need a doctors certificate. If I'm honest with myself then I'd say I'm pretty sure I've always had some form of depression, but I've generally been able to manage it and hide it and not let it interfere with life. One part of me reads through these forums and sees how getting help ... helps. But another part of me thinks that I will go to the doctor, get DIAGNOSED, go on meds, be known as the depressed guy, and incorporate depression into my identity instead of fighting it. Then all of a sudden I have this stupid scapegoat that I know I will use as an excuse not to do things. Hmmm, come to think of it, I'm here because I'm not doing things anyway so maybe it's already begun.

Sometimes I feel that if I convince myself I do not have depression, then I won't. Likewise if I convince myself that I DO have it, then I will. I've always been against meds for depression but lately I would consider trying it to see if I can get some motivation back.

I've been putting off seeing the doctor because of this internal debate I'm having. But I will go if it is the only way I can go on leave.

Hope to hear from you again.

Croix · ‎07-11-2018

Dear IPlay~

I understand, and can tell you of a time I was frightened, no, terrified, of what people were going to think.

I became unable to function and was admitted to a psych ward. While the people I worked with knew I'd been invalided out of a previous occupation they did not know why.

As you can imagine I spent an awful lot of time on that ward anticipating what sort of reception I was going to get. When I did get back it took a lot of nerve to front up to work.

It was all a fizzle. People were exactly the same, spent half a moment saying they were glad I was better then dived straight into work problems that had been piling up.

It is true some might get to know you have been battling depression, however noways that is not the end of the world, I find those that know treat me with respect.

So please don't let it put you off. Anxiety builds up problems - even before they happen, and treatment simply can make life better.

Is that any help?

Croix

IPlay · ‎08-11-2018

Yes that is helpful, thank you for sharing some personal experiences with me so I can also learn.

Perhaps you can help with another problem. I think I am less worried about what others will think, though that is a concern, I am more worried about what I will think. I have had the thought that in accepting I have depression, if indeed I do, then I will be likely to act depressed because that is what a depressed person is suppose to do. Ever heard of "role theory"? We all act the parts we are given, a sister will act like a sister when in the company of her sister but will act like a daughter in the company of her mother. A depressed person acts like a depressed person. Along with this I worry that if confirmed as having depression then anytime I am happy I might feel guilty because I am not suppose to be happy, I'm suppose to be depressed. If I am getting help for being depressed but then I am happy or simply content for any amount of time then I would feel like maybe I'm faking depression or something. Perhaps I am just naive and only on the beginnings of this journey. I think I have a lot to learn.

Croix · ‎10-11-2018

Dear IPlay~

I'm glad my story helped, as you can imagine I was terrified at the time.

Now, I can understand what you are saying but think you have gone down a false trail with that analogy. True people do tend to play certain roles, and I guess that is partly habit, partly feeling safe in the familiar, and partly responding to others.

Depression is an illness, not a role. If you have broken leg you start off not being able to walk at all, as time goes on you use a splint and crutches and move around a bit, then a stick and get much further, then you lose the stick and splint and get back to normal.

Depression is the same, with medical and personal support you start to feel a bit better/happier at times, as things improve you feel better/happier longer until eventually, with or without medical assistance (which depends) , you end up back in the type of life you need, content, happy or sad as appropriate to the situation.

There is no 'supposed to' involved, any more than for a broken leg. It is a medical condition, and the more it improves the gladder everyone, including you doctor, will be.

What do you think?

Croix