downward spiral

[a8vision]

For the last few years i have been battling with depression and anxiety problem which have had in impact on me, For a long time i let it run me but after seeking help i managed to get it under control at the start of this year

I enjoy cycling which was a good outlet , punishing my body making me feel something else

The biggest thing was my job history , have scattered employment of only casual work , a few months here and a few months there . I felt useless a burden to society( useless good for nothing dole bludger , get a job ya lazy bastard)

I got some employment in a company which i thought was going to be a long term thing going by their promises , in this time i had my two dogs pass away , one i had to put down due to a tumor the other had a bad heart , they were 14 and 16 so had a good life , but they were my rock i came home to them they were always there to greet me

a few weeks ago i lost my job due to a downturn in work , me and 15others got put off , i thought great here we go again , i should be used to it by now , but now came the hurdles of trying to get back onto newstart , which i am still waiting for payments. I was gutted a massive kick in the guts

My dad has been suffering with a lot of health problems for a number of years , over the last 18months he was in hospital more frequently, this year he went into hospital in June and never came out , he died a week ago , the last 3 weeks of his life he was in a nursing home

a friend of mine who said they were my best friend , wasn't really too concerned , all she cared about was whether i could feed her cats while she went away for the weekend

I am trying to stay strong for my mum , I don't want her seeing my breaking , my brother and sister live 2 hours away

The other night i went out for a ride on the bike , as in bicycle , I was ready to break down the only thing that kept me grounded was that i came across a pack of kangaroos

[jess334]

Hi A8vision,

I'm sorry for all your loss's. That is a lot to deal with for anyone, but especially when trying to cope with depression and anxiety.

It's great that you have an outlet. Especially a physical one like cycling. Have you tried any mindfulness exercises? There are some good ones that might help to keep you grounded when you can't cycle.

I understand that you want to stay strong for your mum, but it's also important that you let her support you too. Helping someone else allows us to push past some of the worst grief and be present in our lives again. It might help her to help you. Plus as your mum I'm sure she doesn't't want you to hide your pain from her.

I hope you get some assistance with Centrelink soon. I was made redundant a couple of weeks before Christmas a few years ago and it was a nightmare so I understand the stress.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[quirkywords]

a8vision,

Thanks for starting this thread as it can be hard to write down your thoughts but hope it has helped in some way.

I extend my condolences on the death of your dad . As it has been a week the grief would be very great and overwhelming at times . I can understand why you feel in a downward spiral.

it is considerate that you want to stay strong for your mum, but it maybe helpful if you can express your grief as it is hard to keep it bottled up. I am sure your mum would understand that you have a need to grieve for your dad.

I am glad that riding your bike helps you and if you can do that every day it is an outlet for your emotions and also good exercise.

Keeping grounded by noticing what is around you whether it is kangaroos or other animals, or flowers or trees or rocks is helpful.

Thank you for sharing your story .

Quirky

[a8vision]

So these last few days i have been struggling , still with the thoughts of being useless

my two so called friends , one just asking if i can feed her cats or bring cat food , the other hasn't talked to me in the last 2 weeks since my dads death , I have told them both that i am broken that i am drowning and not sure how much i can take , that i have been drinking more , but nope no help no hey how are you going

but who has shown their face and checked up on me >? my ex gf that i broke up with over a year ago

had my dads funeral today , i tried to stay strong for my family , i have told my mum that my depression has arisen again

[a8vision]

here we are in July , the last few months have been a blur , i did 2 months of seasonal work from feb- april a few days here and there not two months straight

but over the last few months along with my depression a few other medical issues have come up , back and brain issues , got referred to a neurosurgeon with a 1 year waiting list , my doc wasn't happy and sent off a referral to another hospital only to be told there's no room for me , what the hell does that mean no room for me ? So my doc sends a referral off to another place , after 2 weeks i ring up to check up on the status only to be told they have no record ? what the hell didn't you get the fax?

now after a blood test my doc tells me I have diabetes , friggin great

I have looked after myself for years as i didn't want the same health issues as my dad , but it seems like i might be cursed? I eat right , cycle , excerise but now have all these compounded medical issues

my doc sent me to see a counsellor , but she just made me feel worse , told her that I am 40 and have nothing to show for my life , no job no savings , no stable employment , just a waste of time , she told me to think of all the things I have achieved , um excuse me were you listening to what i said , the things i have done amounted to nothing and got me no where fast

she was an elderly counsellor so maybe that was the problem

i have been drinking alot and smoking marijuana

i got a centrelink robodebt dating back to 2013-2014 which i am appealing , it took 2 months just to get pay slips from the company , i went to the reception a few times each time getting told sorry she's isn't in today , i dropped of a letter , rang up the company , rang up the head quarters in sydney , eventually i did get the pay slips i required , the debt is for $1600 ,

my job network member referred me to centrelink , after a interview I have been put on DES stream of newstart

I am self studying for cisco certificates , but I am wondering is it worth it ? at the moment I am just self studying to keep my mind occupied