Don't know where to turn.

[Moomsy]

I'm sick of being alone, acting like I'm fine and pretending like everything is okay and looking after everyone while no one pays any attention to me. I'm sick of being the one who people use to vent to and then discard once they're finished being sad, of being treated like an object. I'm sick of never having anyone ask me something that I can actually expand on because I know that they do not care about me. They have too much on their plates to be worried about what I have going on in my life; too much of their own problems for me to add onto it. I'm sick of never being able to talk, and never being happy. I'm sick of never enjoying a moment of my life for more than 10 minutes without a wave of depression being dumped on me by either myself or one of the many people I have to look after and support. I am sick of the fact that no matter how good life seems to be getting, I can't turn the corner and not have some tragedy come and hit me in the face. I never get to be me, I never get to experience things the way I want to. I'm sick of the fact that any time I want to talk or vent or express any form of sadness, someone else has something happen in their life and that becomes the focal point for them and me, meaning that my problems are pushed aside and forgotten. I hate that I can't do anything for myself without thinking about someone else the entire time. The fact that no matter what I plan for myself, I know that it will never happen without the entire activity being overshadowed by my feelings and thoughts being focused on someone else destroys me, it makes me realise that I am not living my own life, I am just an extra in everyone else’s. It doesn't help that half of the messages I send to people are ignored for hours on end, even when the person I messaged has come online at least 3 or 4 times since I sent the message and they still haven't bothered to even look at it let alone respond. I just wish someone would put in the effort to talk to me and to see me. I just want someone to care about me and how I am. But this will never happen, and I know that I will never be okay with that. Both of my best friends have significant others whom they can talk to and rely on. I have no one and I never will. I am so lonely and sad all of the time that I can't spend a day with the two most important people in my life without ruining it by becoming sad. I can't remember the last full day I had where I was happy. I am so lost and don't know where to go.

[MarkJT]

Moomsy, as a serving member of the police, my advice would be to set yourself one year. I know that may seem like a long time but if you take the next year and set yourself the goal of being mentally healthy, it will serve you massive down the track.

I would get to the GP, get diagnosed (if you do in fact have depression) and begin treatment. Get the depression under control and in the same process, learn to keep it at bay. Exercise, diet and learning to monitor and know your symptoms will also serve you very well.

In 12 months time, all things being equal, you may well be very well positioned to apply for a police force and gain entry.

As Croix says above, the job is high stress and leaves you in some very serious positions and the more mentally healthy you are, the better you will be. Take the time to get this under control and you will be in a much better place to achieve your goal.

Mark.

[White_Rose]

Hello Moomsy

Two great posts from two great people giving you the low down on applying for job with a police force. As Croix has said, you will go through a psychological testing process which will reveal your depression (if you are depressed) and I would think is more likely to disqualify you for a job.

Like both guys I suggest you book a long appointment with your GP and take it from there. No matter what the result of applying for a police job you will be so ahead of the game if you can manage your depression well. The fear of what you see as a disastrous diagnosis is causing you far too much unnecessary stress. Get it sorted and you will be able to see the world in a far more clear light.

Carry on writing in here and tell us what is happening in your life. If you have any questions for the guys please send them in.

Mary