Don't know where to turn.

[Moomsy]

I'm sick of being alone, acting like I'm fine and pretending like everything is okay and looking after everyone while no one pays any attention to me. I'm sick of being the one who people use to vent to and then discard once they're finished being sad, of being treated like an object. I'm sick of never having anyone ask me something that I can actually expand on because I know that they do not care about me. They have too much on their plates to be worried about what I have going on in my life; too much of their own problems for me to add onto it. I'm sick of never being able to talk, and never being happy. I'm sick of never enjoying a moment of my life for more than 10 minutes without a wave of depression being dumped on me by either myself or one of the many people I have to look after and support. I am sick of the fact that no matter how good life seems to be getting, I can't turn the corner and not have some tragedy come and hit me in the face. I never get to be me, I never get to experience things the way I want to. I'm sick of the fact that any time I want to talk or vent or express any form of sadness, someone else has something happen in their life and that becomes the focal point for them and me, meaning that my problems are pushed aside and forgotten. I hate that I can't do anything for myself without thinking about someone else the entire time. The fact that no matter what I plan for myself, I know that it will never happen without the entire activity being overshadowed by my feelings and thoughts being focused on someone else destroys me, it makes me realise that I am not living my own life, I am just an extra in everyone else’s. It doesn't help that half of the messages I send to people are ignored for hours on end, even when the person I messaged has come online at least 3 or 4 times since I sent the message and they still haven't bothered to even look at it let alone respond. I just wish someone would put in the effort to talk to me and to see me. I just want someone to care about me and how I am. But this will never happen, and I know that I will never be okay with that. Both of my best friends have significant others whom they can talk to and rely on. I have no one and I never will. I am so lonely and sad all of the time that I can't spend a day with the two most important people in my life without ruining it by becoming sad. I can't remember the last full day I had where I was happy. I am so lost and don't know where to go.

[blondguy]

Hello Moomsy

Welcome and good on you for having the strength to post too..You have more courage than you give yourself credit for. It took me weeks on here to get the confidence to create my own thread

I understand the isolation you are feeling as I sometimes feel the same too. Including not having a partner too which can compound how low we are feeling

Do you have even a tiny support network of one or two that you can have a really good vent to?

If not there are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you....the forums are also a judgemental free zone

There are many of us that understand where you are coming from. It can be a frustrating and lonely place to be in Moomsy

I really hope you can stick around the forums

You are not alone here

My kind thoughts for you 😀

Paul

[velvetfaerie]

**hugs** Moomsy

I wanted to echo the Blonde dudes sentiments: I understand where you are coming from. I have a fair few people around me who are the same. I have decided to focus on me and stuff them. I am useful when it serves them. Reciprocal relationships seem to have died off in modern times and it is all about self service.

**hugs**

Yes. Know you are SO not alone.

Velvz.

[Moomsy]

I have no one. My parents would not understand where I'm coming from and I talk to almost no one at all. I literally spend my day at my computer or my phone waiting for a message from someone. I broke down yesterday to my two best friends after I hadn't seen one of them for 4 weeks. I am really struggling to do anything with my time short of watching Youtube videos, scrolling Facebook and going to work.

I am brand new to this site so I have no clue how to communicate with people. I've also been avoiding going to the GP as this will almost definitely result in me not being able to get the career I want so badly. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep in contact with people and it isn't helped by the fact that they don't seem to mind not talking to me. I don't know where to go or who to talk to, and I'm slowly losing the battle.

Thank you for your responses, I just don't know what to do. I get that there are so many people who are going through the same things as I am; it just doesn't feel like I have anyone or anything to look forward to.

Thank you again for replying,

Mooms

[blondguy]

Hi Mooms

I think you are amazing for having the guts (strength) to say hello here.

Your communication skills are fine......If Beyond Blue didnt have new posters that are stuck then there would be no more forums.....so thankyou big time for posting and doing it so well too

I was stuck after being made redundant in Jan last year......I was seriously scared to death of posting on here

If you do choose to see your GP....there would be zero repercussions with a career as your doc is subject to the privacy act.

Im not talking about a counselor....just a visit to your GP. You are fortunate as they have much better training on what we are going through compared to even 10 years ago and its like here....a safe place to vent Mooms..He cant tell anyone....a police force....ASIO....even the Australian Medical Association (AMA)......unless he/she wants to end up in court for breaching the strict privacy regulations that he/she has to abide by

Right now....10:58pm Friday there is nothing you can do. Except be gentle to yourself

Do you have a GP that you get along with reasonably with/confide in ?

You wont be alone here Mooms. Paul x

[White_Rose]

Dear Moomsy

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. So nice to meet you. Paul has given you a warm welcome also. You can talk here without anyone knowing who you are. Please tell us your story.

I'm sorry you have not seen your friend for a long time and that it caused you so much distress. Were your friends helpful? Did they listen to you talk about your problems?

Can you tell us about the career you want and why talking to your GP will stop you getting your dream job? I have been trying to think of a career that would be inaccessible because you had visited the doctor and I cannot think of one. Are you concerned the doctor will tell you that you have an illness of some kind?

What sort of work do you do? Is it something you enjoy? It gets you out of the house for a chunk of the day and presumably you are with other people. How do you get on with them?

I get the impression there is someone significant in your life but that person does return the feelings. If this is the case then I am sad about it. Can you look around to find an activity you would enjoy?

I understand that feeling of being lost. It sounds as though you may be depressed with the feelings you are describing. I know about that because I feel that way at times. It can be hard to make yourself try new activities and go to places where you will meet others and find friendship. I know it is frustrating when the people around you want to talk about their problems and do not appear concerned about yours.

I get the impression you do not push yourself forward, perhaps being a bit shy. It's OK being shy but it can mean you are over looked at times.

Please continue to write in here and tell us a bit more about yourself. We are here to help you as much as possible.

Mary

[owaf]

Hi Moomsy,

So much to break down and contemplate, as blondguy suggests, there is strength that should not be ignored in reaching out for help.

It sounds like you have bottled a lot up, breathe and remember the world is full of people.

You are the one stating you are an extra, never being yourself and things never going 100% the way you want. Stop, there is nothing for you there in these thoughts or viewpoints, be who you choose to be, walk where you choose to walk, vent and yell when you need to.

Don't fear going to a GP, as blondguy stated there are laws that protect your privacy and the only scenario that I'm aware of where information can be passed on is if you present a serious danger (well beyond negative feelings) to someone, not part of the hiring process or security checks (federal or state).

[Moomsy]

I'm scared of being told that I have depression. I'm scared of having to go onto medication as I believe that it will show how I'm not in control of myself. I really want to join the Police, and I believe that should I go to a GP and get prescribed medication then I will not be able to join the Police because they won't accept someone with a history of depression. I dread the thought that I will need medication to deal with this. I hate the thought that I cannot control my own body and actions. It's like I am a passenger in my own life.

I was fine for most of the day when I was with my friends, but it got really bad towards the end of the day, right around the time we were having to leave. I wasn't able to tell them everything that was wrong as I had to leave soon. I don't want to be messaging them about what is wrong because it feels so disconnected as opposed to actually saying it to them in person.

I feel like I'm letting them down because I am ruining the days that should be the highlights of my year/life. I hate the fact that I can't spend a day with them and not have it go wrong. I hate that I can't tell them what I'm feeling because it will drag them down and they have so much to worry about themselves.

I don't have a significant other, I never have. I don't have that person that I can turn to when there is no one else. I feel so isolated by the fact that my two best friends have someone else in their life that they can talk to. I don't know what to say. I play soccer, and that is the highlight of my week. I have nothing to look forward to short of that.

[White_Rose]

Hello Moomsy

Thank you for telling us more about yourself. There are two things I would like to talk about.

I have no idea if having depression will disqualify you from joining the police force. I would think it unlikely as many police officers become depressed for all sorts of reason. It really depends on how well you are managing your depression. I am certain that if you apply to be a police officer and say you are not taking any meds it's possible they would like to know more about you. Taking medication when you are unwell demonstrates you are taking care of yourself. Being a police officer is a high pressure job. It would be to your advantage to show you can do that.

The major part of your depression is getting the right help. The first step has been to write in here and start talking. Next step is to see your GP and explain how you feel. You may not be depressed, I don't know, but living in dread of this is not helping you. Perhaps print out your posts to give to your GP. He.she will find it useful. You may not need antidepressants. Not everyone who has depression needs meds. Again I cannot tell you what you will need.

There is a huge antagonism to taking antidepressants (AD). No one will know if you are doing this unless you decide to tell someone. Community attitudes towards any mental illness is not the best and it can make us feel like failures or freaks. Belief me we are neither of these things. Before I retired I had a senior job and I was coping with depression. So we tell ourselves we are not worthwhile and all the other rubbish and refuse to take medication because it makes us feel ashamed.

I've been there and I struggled against taking anything. My life is hugely better now that I can live an ordinary life now that my AD helps me think, feel and act reasonably.

Think about it all and write in again.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Moomsy~

You have set out pretty well how you feel and the reluctance you have about getting medical treatment - which is based upon a false assumption (see below). You have also received advice from people that have suffered depression and anxiety that seeing your GP would be a good move. If you have an illness of that nature and it is not treated the results can be most unfortunate.

With your ambition to join the police I honestly feel you are missing the point. The life of an officer is full of the most difficult situations which are of a highly stressful nature. Even the healthiest person can succumb to mental illness as a result. If a person has a tendency towards depression or anxiety I would imagine, though not a doctor, the chances are higher.

That being said I do know that it is possible to gain entry to at least one Australian police force having had a MH history, provided one declares it and gains a positive assessment during the screening process.

I was a normal young man when I joined the force. Years later I was invalided out with PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression that left me completely unable to function and suicidal. I am still not 'cured' though in a very much better state than I was.

I did not - compared to some - have a particularly taxing career, gained promotions and was good at my job, however I was not able to cope, and that was the result. I did go for far too long without appropriate treatment and this made things worse.

I would not wish what happened to me on anyone.

You basically have 3 choices

Don't have any treatment and live a life perhaps as you are now, perhaps worse, perhaps better and attempt to join a force. Thorough psychological testing is part of the recruitment process for all Australian forces and any preexisting condition may come to light - treated or not

Second have suitable treatment if you are found to be suffering an illness. Then fail to declare it - which would be highly inadvisable as you could be ineligible for worker's compensation and probably other serious consequences if found out

Third have treatment but also a word with the recruiting/psych branch and see what the ramifications of your treatment for a MH condition are, and be guided by their expertise

I would suggest the third alternative. At the moment you are operating without sufficient information to make sensible decisions, and possibly risking your health as a result

Please feel able to come back and talk more

Croix