Don't have friends, feel so alone and desperate

[MisterM]

Hi All,

I am new to this forum.
I don't know what to do my life is completely messed up.
I am a 30 year old male and have been diagnosed with anxiety and dysthymia after going to see a psychologist late in 2012.
I was attending regular sessions up until early this year as I wasn't getting anywhere and felt my psychologist got fed up with me not doing what he told me to do to improve things.

I have one good friend who I've been close to for about 12 years now but we don't see each other as often as we used to due to the busy life he lives (work, pursuing a music career, and long time partner). We catch up maybe once every 2-3 months if that, sometimes longer. However we have regular contact online and he or I will call to have a catch up over the phone.

Apart from my good friend, I don't have anyone else and no social life as a result.
I have never had many friends throughout my life, in school I wasn't very popular and cool to be with and felt I wasn't really accepted by people I hung out with after high school. From the age of 18-19 to about 25 I had a small number of friends but we just drifted apart and also I cut some out of my life, and feel I have been shunned.

I don't know why I have never had a group of friends. I am shy but there are other shy types with friends. I am kind to people and down to earth so I just can't work out why I don't attract friends.

I have former friends and people I have met on Facebook, they are pretty much internet friends. I can see how most have gotten married, had kids, are engaged, bought a home. Pretty much everyone is getting on with life and I am stuck and have been stuck going nowhere for years now.

I have never had a girlfriend and still live at home with my elderly parents as I could not afford to move into a house I bought 3 years ago.
I am renting it out and was hoping to find a higher paying job so I could afford to live in my home but I failed at all attempts.

I have suicidal thoughts often, I live in constant terror of being alone. I don' t know what to do, I fear death but also life.

I am stuck in a vicious cycle,

I am afraid to meet new people or go on dates because of the shame I have of not having friends.
A few days ago I got invited by an artist to an art exhibition this week where she will be displaying her artwork. We got in contact after I contacted her on Facebook after seeing an article on her in my local paper.
However I can't bring myself to reply to her email to say I will go because I feel like such a loser.

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[helping_hand]

Hi MisterM,

Im sorry to hear about your situation, but I feel like you have come to the right place in search of help and/or answers to the problems your facing. 

 Firstly, it is not uncommon to feel as if you are trapped within a vicious cycle, as psychological disorders have a tendency to create this feeling. It is experienced by many people including myself at times, so I hope you can take solace in the fact that you are not alone. I believe the key to breaking this cycle is to create action, however small it may be, as the first step is always the hardest but is also the most important. The fact that you have taken the time and effort to reach out using this site, is an achievement in itself, as reaching out is not always easy and in your case it may seem especially difficult, but it is through reaching out that ultimately enables you to allow others to help with the challenges you face. 

 Life is full of both challenges and opportunities and it sounds like you may perceive the invitation to go to this art exhibiton as both challenging and beneficial. There are many reasons to fear interacting with others, one of which, is feelings of worthlessness, which you alluded to. However, you must understand and believe that people are inately good and as such anyone that hears your story is going to be willing to find a way to help you in what ever capacity that may be. This site is testament to that fact. Unfortunately, this can't happen if you withdraw yourself from all interaction. 

In terms of counteracting feelings of worthlessness, I always find it helpful to focus on the positives that you have in your life. Based off your post, this may be centred on the achievement of having purchased a house and of having a supporting family, which I'm sure loves you more than you can imagine. Personally I feel as if focusing on the positives in your life helps build self esteem and enables you to engage in activities that you otherwise may not have the confidence to pursue. 

You have come to the right place in dealing with these problems, as there are various services listed on this website that can assist you. Stay strong and don't give up, there is always hope regardless of the situations you face. I hope you find the courage to go the art exhibition. 

I hope this has been helpful in some way. 

[Ianian]

Hi MisterM,

Mate, I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. I can sympathise a lot with your situation... I have few friends, social phobias. It is hard.

However, what will be harder will be if you DON'T email her back or go. Please do. It's the first step that is the hardest, and once you take one then the others will follow.

[MisterM]

Hi helping hand, thank you for your reply and words of encouragement.

The hard part is I have to keep this secret from my parents, I will be viewed differently if they know I am unwell mentally. My parents are from south eastern Europe and they just don't get these kinds of issues. I would suffer deep embarrassment and shame from them knowing.
They view one of their friends with depression differently and call her ''sick''.
My mum and I don't get along and haven't spoken in a long time.
She is a very abusive person who has had a lot to do with my issues mentally.

I am also estranged from one of my sisters, haven't spoken in years. My other sister isn't good at listening and giving advice on these matters, her husband told me to ''stop seeing my psychologist and just get on with it''. They don't get it at all.

My estranged sister's husband however has tried to help me but I just feel he doesn't understand me well and I am a bit hurt with one of his advice being that I should ditch my friend because he suffers depression, which I don't understand because when we catch up my mood improves a lot and it is never doom and gloom when we hang out but laughs instead and common interests. His view is that ''misery breeds company''. So I feel I can't really rely on him having been disappointed at his advice.

I couldn't mention this earlier as I ran out of characters.
Also, with regard to friends, even when I was hanging out with former friends I often felt very misunderstood and alone. I am very different in terms of music, fashion, views on things, and places I like going out. They were all into clubbing, cars, gym whereas I am not into any of that.

I find it hard to find my crowd I guess, the reason me and my friend of 12 years have been good friends is because we are very much alike.

My old best friend from primary school found me on Facebook and keeps inviting me to his parties but I always refuse to go because I feel like a tag along amongst his group of mates, however we are both very into music so I guess we could get along fine.

I fear letting people down so I withdraw, my former colleague always asked me to go clubbing and getting drunk but I am not into that. This is part of the reason my former group of friends ditched me because I never wanted to go clubbing with them. I never felt comfortable at clubs and being amongst a huge crowd.

Also, I have been hurt by former friends and work colleagues in the past so I feel very guarded and have trust issues with people now.

[MisterM]

Hi Ianian, thank you for your reply.
I will hopefully be in the right frame of mind and reply to say I will go.

I just feel like an idiot meeting someone who I have met online.

I get very tense and anxious meeting new people, especially with prior contact online.

I just feel I will let them down and they will have unmet expectations from meeting me, like I am boring.

I am very introverted and struggle with small talk as I don't know what to say and can't think of anything to say, I don't know why and this saddens me.
I wish I could make small talk, instead I just stand there mute and make it awkward for myself and the other person. I guess this is part of the problem in not having friends.
However once I have been friends with someone for a while I can talk okay, it's just new people or people I don't know too well.

[Neil_1]

Hi there MisterM

I would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for having the courage to provide your story to us.

It's been great that you've already received great responses from helping hand as well as ianian - and I would like to support everything they've said.

You've done a great thing by coming here - a good positive step and you know now is time to take another one.  This might sound corny and dumb, but can you please write the word "loser" on a piece of paper.  Take that paper outside and with a shovel (or something similar), I want you to bury that piece of paper in the ground - "never" to be used again.  Because you're not a loser.  Too many aspects of your life have positives for you to be labelled that.

Now with that job completed, can you please message this person back to let them know that you would really like to attend.  Ask about details, timings, etc.

Please MisterM, are you able to do this?

Neil

[MisterM]

Hi Neil1,

Thank you for your reply.
I have emailed this person back to say I should be able to make it.
However I am very nervous about it, I just feel like an idiot meeting someone I've contacted online.
Your other idea about burying that piece of paper, I would try if I could, I got my parents here.

It's hard to not feel like a loser when nothing is going for you. No friends, girlfriend, job, living at home at 30.
I live with complete shame every day and struggle to face my estranged sister when she comes over to my parents place, she's already called me a loser because I don't have friends or a girlfriend.
I often leave the room or house when she's here as I can feel her looking at me with disgust and also amusement of what a pathetic creature I am, like she's finding it funny.

[MisterM]

I forgot to say thank you to Beyond Blue team for their kind email.
I am not sure if I can reply to the email so I am doing so here.

Beyond Blue team, my psychologist kept telling me to join a social networking website to meet new people and hopefully make friends. I could not bring myself to do this because I feel like a lone wolf loser out looking for friends, it makes me feel more depressed.
Plus I find that people don't care for others, everyone is selfish to me, it is hard to meet caring and understanding people who won't let you down.

My psychologist's strong advice was for me to also go for walks and jogs otherwise the other alternative is medication. I often lack the motivation to get up and out to exercise. Also, he kept pushing me to go for walks along the beach, this made me feel worse as I felt so alone in the big city and seeing everyone at the beach with their partners and friends.

My previous manager and one of the senior managers drove me to the hospital after I broke down at work and said I was feeling suicidal. One of the mental health staff at the hospital strongly recommended I get on medication to give me a ''kick start'' to enable me to do the things my psychologist recommended and also to ditch my psychologist for another one.

My psychologist told me this would not be beneficial, he didn't pressure me to stick with him just told me that I would need to start all over again and it would cost me money starting again as any new psychologist would need to get to know my story from scratch.

I would feel nervous starting again with a stranger however I think maybe I need a new tactic/approach.
Confused about what to do.

I am also very scared to try medication, I've been told by a girl I met and chat to on Facebook that medication left her feeling worse and the withdrawal was terrible. I've also read online about how it can make your health worse and affect other parts of your body.

[Ianian]

Hi MisterM,

To be honest, most of my friends I have met online. Like you, I struggle with the small talk and the knowing what to say. At least with online 'conversation', you are able to take your time and respond accordingly, and not have to face the struggle of knowing what to say and when. Some of those friends I have not yet met (and may never will), but those that I have - well by the time we have met each other, we know each other well enough to know what to talk about.

A good friend (who knows me and my conditions) recently told me that often being a friend doesn't mean having to say anything - just being there and listening is often more than enough.

There's lots of online communities for different interest groups. Perhaps find and join one that aligns with your interests?

As for the medication - there are many different types, and many more different doses. It may be trial and error finding what is right for you.