Don't assume someone is OK by how they look on the outside

[Melancholy Yogini]

Participating in such a forum like this is new to me but I felt it was necessary for so many given our crazy Covid world right now.

I am a yoga teacher with depression. That sentence is quite hard for me to say because I don't always like to admit that to myself. Just because I practice and teach yoga does not mean that I am always happy: and that’s ok. I have suffered anxiety and depression for the longest time. On the outside I have a blessed life and I hide my sadness from almost everyone, but in the past I have at times fallen into despair and loneliness, had suicidal thoughts, attempted to hurt myself, curled up on the floor in isolation and struggled with terrible feelings of self-loathing.

I am sharing this because I want you to know that you are not alone and it’s ok to feel what you feel. Our society tells us we should be happy and pleasant and social media is full of happy adventures and friends and family shots, which for someone who is not feeling great can be overwhelming. A yoga mat offers me a place to be authentic and honest. I don’t have to be perfect or happy and it’s ok to cry. It is a place to give myself permission to practice self-care, to move with my feelings rather than cover them up. So when I go to my mat I take my fatigue, my sadness, my disappointment, my fear, my anger, my anxiety and my depression. Life is not always shiny but after giving myself a little self-care I hope that a little more joy and happiness shines through me.

Has yoga helped me personally with anxiety and depression- yes, it’s one of the reasons I am a teacher. I choose yoga instead of drinking wine and wallowing on the couch; yoga offers me a different form of self-care. Most yoga teachers don’t practice yoga because they are naturally happy; you will find most teachers also need the practice.

Stay safe and take care. Thank you for reading my post.

[Gabs_]

Good morning Melancholy Yogini,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for such a beautifully honest and caring post.

I completely agree that our society conditions us to believe that we need to look "perfect" to everyone and present a version of ourselves that is happy, smiling, productive... And so many of us do this to the detriment to our mental health. I have recently been reading a book called Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism That Masks Your Depression by Margaret Robinson Rutherford, and it was very eye-opening. Reading it was uncomfortable at times, but it was certainly a book I would recommend to those who feel like you don't deserve to feel sad, or you "need" to push harder, or "be stronger".

Thank you for sharing how much yoga does for you. I often think about getting out my yoga mat and doing some guided sessions on youtube, but I often tell myself I just don't have time or I'll look silly. But, thank you - you have inspired me and I am going to give it a go today (it will also give me a reason to get out of my pjs).

I think it's easy (especially with lockdowns) to allow yourself to just go "pjs and couch day" (and sometimes it can be totally fine and justified). But I've noticed this time (6.0 here in Melbourne) that I'm finding it a bit harder and I'm less motivated to go for a walk or practice self-care activities. And I'm sure there are a few of us feeling like that. So, I am going to take inspiration from you and have a go today. Thank you.

I'll let you know how I go.

Please stay safe and know that the forums are here for you. Big hugs, G x

[Sophie_M]

Hi Melancholy Yogini, 

Thank you so much for sharing this here. We agree that it's a really important time to share things like this. A lot of people are struggling right now and many feel really isolated, so your message is well-needed.  

It's so important that people know that they can call the Beyond Blue helplines on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat or email here, anytime they feel alone and need some support. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to. Other options are Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who are also available 24/7. All of these options are available through webchat: 

• Beyond Blue 
• Lifeline 
• The Suicide Call Back Service 

It's so good that you've been able to share here, you never know how it's helping other members of our community. Please keep sharing your wonderful words on our forums.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Melancholy Yogini]

Hi Gabs,

I look forward to hearing how you go with your YouTube clip; I would watch it, most definitely, even if you film it in your PJ's. I think that might actually add a level of fun. Lock downs are hard for sure, I am in Sydney, but many of my friends in Melbourne are feeling much like you, so you are not alone.

And thank you for the book recommendation, it sounds interesting and something I would love to read.

I'm so glad that I joined this forum, it is so much different than what I expected. I only wish I joined sooner.

Love, light and hugs x

[Melancholy Yogini]

Thank you so much Sophie.

It has taken me a long while to reach out to anyone and discuss my feelings. I thought I could just deal with everything myself. Just with one small post I feel like I have a found a community of understanding like minded people.

[quirkywords]

melancholy Yogini

Thanks for starting this thread. The opposite can be true as I am often told to smile when I am ok but have a serious looking resting face.

I think it is great when people like you are honest with how you are feeling. Depression does not care what your job is.

Welcome here and thanks again for posting.

[Guest_1643]

hi yogini,

how are u? Welcome here, and thanks for ur awesome first post!

Some of the stories that I tell mysef are - I don't look depressed, I have a home, I have choices, I'm not as unwell as xyz, i'm not as unwell as this person or that, some ppl have it worse, i dont have anything substantial to be sad about etc. And therefore i should be and really must be, on some level, okay.

I'm upset i told myself these stories, as i wasnt being honest about the trauma and pain that was very real in my life.

I'm grateful to read your story and appreciate your telling of it. Being honest about my life, for me, was a huge step forward. I hope it helps u to share here and know that this space can be used however you need it - and whenever you need it. There is no obligation to reply to anyone, or to write anything specific, so there is a freedom here, to just be ourselves withut obligation. 🙂

[geoff]

Hello Melancholy Yogini, and thanks for your own inspiration, it's amazing how such a small mat can open up how you are feeling, and one problem people do have is that they try and hide how they are actually feeling, and yes, I'm guilty of this, only because condemnation from those around you, only makes you feel terrible, but amongst a group of people, there's always one person who hands out their hand to offer you help, cherish that thought.

Geoff.