Do I have to?

[jjac]

I'm not entirely sure I really want to live a full life. I feel like I have already. I can see my entire life for what it is, what it will be and there isn't really anything worth hanging around for. I'm not suicidal per say, I fear death, suffering, failure (for the guilt trips from loved ones and possible disability) and something so final...but I don't want to be a part of my life anymore. I'd rather a clean slate. In all facets of my life I am not happy, and haven't been for quite a long time. If not all of them at once, just one or two more than others. I can see exactly how each option will work out. I am not happy at work, I struggle with relationships, I'm just lazy and don't care while caring too much. The solutions are always "have you tried yoga?" Seriously? Yoga? How on earth would that help?! Yeah, yeah, serotonin and movement. Of course, I am just in the "wrong" mindset and if I actually tried I could be happier. Sure sure. I just can't be bothered even entertaining such time wasting, it's just a pety distraction from the reality. This green smoothie and stretching sure makes me feel less like life is a waste of time! YIPPEE!

At work everyone demands too much, or asks stupid questions. My field is purely dealing with all of the dregs and nonsense and having to answer the same questions constantly. A problem to solve puts a cloud over me that I can't lift until the issue is resolved or gone. I don't know how much longer I can deal with stupid people and their stupid demands. How much longer can I come into work and stare at a screen all day? I've tired of all of the take away. I'll have to do this for the rest of my life? Why bother? Before you say get a new job, I am a few years away from long service leave, so why cut loose now? That and everything I have experience and training in is the same. Same crud, different workplace. Nothing would change.

I find no satisfaction in anything. I get bitter at the car that runs the red light, the subpar food I am served in a restaurant, the rude person, the rain, my washing machine, anything. I'm cynical before anything else and can't imagine constantly looking on the bright side, because when I do I am put in my place and realise I shouldn't have bothered.

I'm seen as wrong all of the time by my partner, because he just doesn't understand me. I can't get my points across.

I just want to cancel my life, cut the subscription and start again as a new person with better prospects.

[topsy_]

Hi Jjac,

I'm sorry you aren't feeling much better. I have looked at studying too. It is difficult to find something of interest, but what really stops me is the fear I won't be able to pass.

When you've been told for years that you're hopeless it isn't easy to overcome that belief.

At school, all those eons ago, I was often dux of my year. But nothing was ever good enough for my parents. They still considered me stupid anyway.

Their whole focus was too destroy me. Everyone in the family was told that I either got things wrong or lied outright. So I wasn't to be believed.

Of course, it was in their best interests that I was not believed. They didn't want anyone to know what they were doing to me.

Besides the fact they are horrible evil people, it seems my biggest "crime" was to be born a girl. I was told very young that girls didn't count in our family. My brother was treated like a god. Lucky him.

It has been very difficult to try & undo/overcome the effects of those years. I think that it is why I responded so poorly to Mary's first post. It took me a couple of days to realise how strongly I related to what you wrote & then, how like my parents Mary's answer was.

In reality though, Mary was being much kinder than my parents ever were. It was more the tone than the content of the words. I was jeered continually at home. I think I have improved & then - bang - I'm back there so easily.

So I'm sorry Mary. And I'm sorry Jjac, I'm rabbiting on here.

Sending you my best wishes, Lyn.

[jjac]

Sorry to hear things have been so tough for you in the past, I know how it is to not really be encouraged or supported. It can take very little to bring you back to that place and the defenses can go up. I've been there myself, memories just jolt and things get upsetting.

My parents really didn't seem to care too much about my schooling though, either way, I was never a very spectacular student. I was always told of how much potential I had to actually shine (by teachers), but never really took the time or effort. I am not so much worried about failing, moreso worried about feeling trapped and tired. I struggle with my attention span, and I am so, so lazy. I just can't be bothered studying. I find myself there, but not actually present, when it comes to study or work. It's always been this way, I quit VCE at one point because I was just sitting in a room waiting for the day to end. I didn't even really know if I was there or not. It was just a fog. I've had that sensation everywhere I go. I pass things, but usually after great struggle at the simple tasks. I'm pulled kicking and screaming through life, while other people glide through or enjoy it. I just can't be bothered and nothing is appealing to study. I imagine the types of assignments I'd have to do and just think "bleh,"

I just don't remember ever being really passionate about anything. I'm not sure it's actually possible for me. I just struggle to put any of myself into something. I can't rise to any challenges in life because I just want everything on a silver platter. Life takes more work than that, but as soon as I have to experiment, try, study, test things...I just think "oh come on, seriously?" So I want it all now now now, and everything seems too hard and not appealing. I don't even know what I want from life, so I don't know what to do, because everything I have tried so far has just been disappointing and a drain.

[White_Rose]

Dear Lyn

Thank you for writing about your first post on this thread. It is never my intention to hurt anyone in any way and I am so sorry that you felt hurt by my comments triggering your response. I suspect I too reacted to jjac's post because it triggered feelings in me. I was certainly not intending to berate her. I was trying to get through to her as she appeared to be saying no one could possibly help her. I too have felt like that and I am eternally grateful to those who showed me the way out of my mess and helped be to be a whole person.

Jjac, if you are reading this please excuse me for writing about you instead of to you. Lyn, you were actively ridiculed by your family. Me? I was just ignored. Which would you prefer? Well, neither is right. A child needs nurturing and encouraging. It is abuse to belittle or ignore a child. I would never jeer at you or jjac, or anyone for that matter. That's not my way, but I can see how it would appear to you.

I completed my first degree part time, working full time and caring for four children. My mother visited me and I thought she would be proud of me. But no comment at all, good or bad. I was completely confused and hurt. So moving on, I'm here now and I manage my life here and now. Yes, things that happen now remind me of the past, but I remember it was hard for my mother and she tried the best she could. Perhaps she gave me my determination? We are all products of our upbringing. I think you commented in another post that you are 60 yo. Is this correct? I am somewhat older than that, but I think we lived in similar times with similar lifestyles.

Please never apologise for writing the truth here. BB does not remove threads because someone has a negative thought or experience. If our lives were wonderful and lovely there would be no need for BB. Since this is not the case, it would be contradictory to expect only lovely words here. We are all here to help each other as best we can, and by doing that we help ourselves. But by all means, lets be as positive about ourselves and everyone else as much as possible.

Mary

[jjac]

I believe I am the way I am thanks to being ignored for most of my childhood. When I wasn't being ignored I was being bullied at school. So parents ignore you, kids treat you like crud, rinse and repeat. So I got both sides haha, I don't like either of them personally.