Dissociation and emotionless void

[Ely_]

Any tips on how to stop dissociating? Last week my mum ignored me when I tried to help her understand my bpd more and then changed the topic. I got really angry and ever since I've been in an almost constant state of dissociation. I know that I need to feel my feelings, I need to feel real and be 'in touch' with myself and my surroundings, including people. But just now it scares me and feels safer to block everything. I have tried grounding, meditation, distraction (makes it worse). My counsellor suggested watching emotional/funny videos. I tried earlier and nothing... Wtf is wrong with me.... I also just found out I have a sensory processing disorder, so that is messing with me a bit too.Tia xx
Being like this is really bad for me, as I just bottle it all up and then explode at a later date. I can feel it roiling around waiting to ignite but I can't seem to let myself actually feel. It's like the walls are too strong.

C-PTSD/BPD/Anxiety/Depression/Sensory issues are kicking my butt right now. It's like I'm being smacked down smaller and smaller and once I'm squashed small enough I'll just splat everywhere. Or like I'm one of those watermelons that people put all the elastic bands around..... Nothing...nothing..nothing...nothing...nothing.........................BOOM.

Ely

[Postado]

Hey Ely22,

That must have been extremely frustrating for you. Like trying to open up and explain things about your self to someone who is supposed to have a supportive role. It's like an ultimate form of rejection to open up like that and be completely ignored.

My situation has also put in me in a state of disassociation. I dont like talking to people because I feel like it's easier just not to. I won't be ignored or rejected or hurt if I keep to myself. Total defence mechanism. but yeah it's not good...

I don't know if you have a close friend or other family members who U would feel comfortable approaching but I think it would be good if you had someone who you could talk to with no fear of judgement or rejection. It helps me sometimes to hang out face to face with someone with these qualities. Someone who you can trust and have a meaningful chat with and is willing to listen.

If you don't have anyone like that it's ok, you have this whole community here that I am sure would be willing to lend U an ear.

I am not sure of the details about when you told your mum. But maybe you could try again when U feel up to it but make sure that it's just you and her and that she isn't in middle of something and also let her know you have something important to discuss with her.

I hope this helps in some way. You are not alone.

[Ely_]

Hey Postado,

Unfortunately I lost my few friends earlier this year when my mental health got significantly worse. My bff pretty much abandoned me. I can talk to my support workers about anything, but I'm still getting to know them (it's only been 4 weeks). I've tried to talk to my partner, but she can't understand or won't try to regarding my mental health.

When I shared with Mum, my support worker was there, and that's why I felt confident enough to talk to mum about it. To be just shut down though 😞 When I saw her on Sunday she also made a comment about getting a cream to cover up my old sh scars. It was the 1st time ever that I've not had it covered around my family. Obviously she just wants to not see it and pretend it didn't happen, like she does with everything else.

Confidence shattered. Easier to not feel...

Ely

[Postado]

That's awful that you have suffered so much loss recently.

I sometimes feel the same, it's easier not to feel.. but that starts to feel pointless and meaningless over time.

I know it's really hard for people to understand mental health and some people will avoid it all together.

Its not easy having mental health issues and it's not easy supporting people who do. But there are people who can support you, just have to find them.

It's great that you have a support worker. It's a good start.to building the support network you need.

Do you have any hobbies or activities you like doing?

[therising]

Hi Ely72

I feel for you so much as you face the overwhelming challenges that can come with mental health. It's incredibly hard when very few people seem to really understand or even want to.

Wondering if anyone in your life has congratulated you on constructively managing your mental health. It's a significant step when we seek professional help and definitely a step that deserves acknowledgement. Looking back to when I was in my depression, while some of my management strategies were questionable (alcohol), other strategies I'm very proud of. It's important to remember how well we're trying to manage under the circumstances. The circumstances can be incredibly challenging, more than those around us may imagine.

If association is based on how we relate to people, disassociation can sometimes be an indication of us not relating to them on some level. It's taken me years to master the ability to instantly detach from a person under certain circumstances. This began with some important questions, 'Why do I feel so hurt by this person? What's wrong with me, why am I so sensitive?' This can be a depressing process to go through (self questioning) until realising how valid the questions actually are at a deeper level. I found a few answers to be 'I feel hurt because what they've said or done is cruel, by my standards. I, myself, wouldn't do or say this to another'. The other question, 'I'm sensitive because I'm not insensitive. What's 'wrong' with me is that I'm tolerating perceived insensitivity or thoughtlessness'. Of course, this set off a chain reaction of questioning, with another significant question being 'Why am I tolerating the intolerable behaviour of others?' So, through this process, I've gained the ability to either emotionally detach from behaviour I find intolerable or I question those whose behavior is highly questionable. Such a process has been a natural self-esteem booster. I also discovered, if I don't appoint someone a role they simply can't fill, I don't face the disappointment process.

Emotion is a very physical experience. Can be hard to feel emotion when we're detached or exhausted. Can be easy to feel emotion when someone/something is positively exciting every cell in our body or when our mind and nervous system go into hyperactivity mode, such as with anger, fear or a rise to much needed courage.

Sometimes there's good reason for the sense of disassociation toward others. Continue to question on your quest of self understanding.

🙂