Diagnosed just today & it now explains alot

rugbymum · ‎23-09-2014

I was diagnosed with depression today; I suspected that I was depressed but now I feel like a failure by actually admitting it! Crazy thoughts I know, but its hard to get that stigma out of my head. I have always had to be the strong one in my family. Other people see me as tough, practical with a common sense approach to life. It was extremely difficult to admit to my husband that I am suffering depression & it seems that I have been struggling with this for many years, but just didnt realise it! I am embarrassed that my tough outer shell has finally crumbled & I am dreading it when any of our friends find out. I dont think that I can cope with the gush of "love & pity" that I am likely to get, nor with the knowledge of the whispers that I am emotionally unstable & cant cope with the pressure etc. You see, I feel guilty because my husband has just commenced aggressive chemotherapy for cancer so I should be the rock for him - not the other way around. I know that my parents in law will think its all an act; that I resent the fact that hes getting all the attention but that is definitely not the case. I want more than anything to be able to support him through this journey, but just dont think I can...

Bluedaze · ‎25-09-2014

Seems to my that your putting your self on trial, and your only crime is being HUMAN!

The responses that your worried about from friends & family... may not even eventuate.

So you may be surprised.

You need to take care of your self now more than anything & get proper care not only for your self but also for later when your hubby will need you.

Hope that helps. 🙂

Neil_1 · ‎25-09-2014

Dear RugbyMum

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

I agree with BlueDaze's response to you - that (a) you never know how others will respond when they hear of someone close to them succumbing to a mental illness, and yes indeed, it might not eventuate; & (b) yes yes, you should be doing everything you can right now to get yourself treated and some things underway, to take special care of yourself - because if things go unchecked for too long, it's going to be awfully hard for you to be "there" and to "be strong" for you husband.

I am hearing you with your thoughts of all that having a mental illness can generate, but these are the stereotypical thoughts and also related to still the stigma that "having depression" has. As hard as this sounds (and as easy as it is for me to write this) try not to worry about what others say, BUT especially what they think - you know you mentioned the "whisperings". This is an unfortunate human trait and that is something people "do". Personally I think when people do this in regard to other people's plights, I feel that their own life must be nigh on perfect and they have bugga all to complain about.

Ok, so that's great that you've been and been officially diagnosed. May I ask what things came out of that? ie: have they referred you on for appropriate counselling or further appointments? Any possible anti-depressant medication to take?

I would love to hear back from you again RM.

Neil

rugbymum · ‎30-09-2014

Thanks so much for your feedback & support. Has been tough going, but I have been able to confide in a close friend who has been through this & still has ongoing battles with her own demons from time to time. Talking has definitely helped.

I am under the care of a wonderful GP who has referred me to a psychologist under an EPC plan. They will be working wholistically together to help me through this. Doc has ordered blood tests so he can give me a thorough work up before he prescribes any anti-depressants. Hes not the type to just issue meds without fully investigating whether or not there may be some problem physically first. In the mean time he has given me some valium to help keep me calm. I was in 2 minds about the efficiency of that initally though because I had been having full on anxiety attacks where I couldnt t stop crying; heart was racing; nausea; no appetite and was so very tired...

Day 4 however I began to feel a little better. It has been like walking on a tightrope though. It only takes someone to say one wrong thing & the anxiety pounces! I have, so far, been able to keep a full blown melt down at bay by deep breathing & trying to stay calm, happy & positive. I have my first appointment with the psychologist on October 14th - earliest I could get in. Seems a long way off, but I have a loving family who are supporting me through this.

Swampmum · ‎26-10-2014

Hello rugbymum, your post resonated with me so much that I finally signed up to Beyond Blue, so thankyou for that. I too am supporting my other half through chemotherapy. I was diagnosed with Postnatal Depression in 2012 when I had a 1yo and a 2.5yo I think PND had less stigma in my mind, it seemed 'reasonable' due to hormones and exhaustion etc, so I was simply relieved to put a name to my struggles and start some SSRI meds. A few years later now I see signs of depression and anxiety pre kids, which I managed with lots of self nurture and time out from the world whenever I needed. Those coping strategies aren't so possible with children and a sick hubby!! Anyway, when DH told me a few months back that he was having a biopsy to see if his 11 yr Lymphoma remission was over I was so panicked that I might need to be the strong one in the family through chemo, I just felt that I wasn't strong stable or energetic enough to cope. I felt guilty, stupidly weak, scared and sorry for myself. The best thing I did was go to GP and ask to swap meds to something that wouldn't make me so tired. I'm on an SNRI which is working better for me. I still feel all those things at times, but not all the time. I have also had to lower my expectations of myself as Mum (my preschoolers watch more tv than i like, so i get a break) and housewife (it's usu a bomb and I have to tell myself that's ok for now) and I have made DH start counselling because I don't have the emotional energy to be his only support. Rugbymum you will cope, go easy on yourself, esp. while you adjust to meds, they will help. Both see counsellors!!! Don't tell anyone you don't want to about the diagnosis. If you feel harshly judged, tell yourself that's their issue, some people may not understand but you have to learn not to care about their opinions. Do something for yourself one night a week. Hugs From Swampmum, still going nuts here but sorta coping 🙂