Despite my achievements and worth to others, I feel worthless.

[PancakeCat]

For my short 26 years thus far I've done allot. I've survived allot and I've improved allot.

Despite my achievements this far, who I am as a person, I can't shake and have never been able to shake a constant feeling of brokenness, worthlessness and inferiority. I have bipolar disorder as well, but that's been tamed with medication.

I do allot with my life these days, I work two jobs one full time, I'm working to get into a career. I indulge in hobbies, keep active and eat well.

Most of my self improvement hasn't been anything people care much about. My hobbies and interests are uninteresting to most, which isolates me a bit. I'm not your typical person on the surface, I'm a 6ft skinny transsexual woman covered in tattoos and piercings with 1/3 of my head shaved...most of the things I'm interested in are communities that don't like people like me. So I just quietly enjoy them alone.

I don't really like the queer community, there are some wonderful people in it but there's allot of toxicity and negativity in it too, which I'd rather avoid, I usually feel inferior to everyone in it too. My wife is trans as well, so is my girlfriend, both suffer from mental illness and when they speak of feelings of self hatred I can't see the negativity they see in themselves. I imagine that's how they see me, but I can't believe the positive things they say about me, I'd like to, but to me none of it's true.

I've seen allot of therapists etc, most I've found boorish, nothing personal, but they come across as useless. Which is probably my fault for not engaging them.

Dysphoria (the feeling of disconnect between identified sex and physical sex) plays into the feelings of worthlessness and inferiority too. Despite medically transitioning with medication and having wonderful results objectively, I can't help but feel ugly, grotesque, physically useless, physically undesirable and inferior in every way to every other trans girl I meet see or hear of. To me I'm just worthless physically on all levels. I can't understand why my wife or girlfriend see any beauty in me, again, in my mind, they're wrong.

My work always feels inferior, imperfect and worthless despite how treasured some of my work is. All in all I just feel like a worthless pile of rotting flesh. This depression has caused me to lose every friend I've ever had, I have my wife and girlfriend, but no friends. I'm too much of a sorry sad sack to have friends and in time, I fully expect my wife and girlfriend to leave me.

[BballJ]

Hi PancakeCat,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I am sorry to read how you are feeling currently.

You do seem very hard on yourself and it seems that you do not take compliments well at all, would that be fair to say? I believe their is a reason your wife and girlfriend are sticking around and it would be purely because of the person you are. I am not too familiar with the Dysphoria other than what I have heard about it so I do not want to comment on something I do not know much about but I can understand how it would make you feel this way at the same time, a lot of changes obviously had happened. Depression is also a big thing to battle, has the depression always been around?

I know you said you have seen psychologists before but haven't had much luck, how many have you seen? In reality, they can only work with what you tell them so as much as you can give them is what they can work with.

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[white knight]

Hi pancake cat, welcome

What an interesting person you are. Im bipolar, depression, dysthymia and conquered anxiety.

I love unique things including people, that dont fit in the common pigeon hole. So your tatts, hair style etc will be much more interesting to me than many.

However I'm also conventional in some ways. In my 20's as a young prison officer I had a terrible relationship and nightly I'd go to work at the notorious Pentridge jail and get free counseling from the trans guys. They were fabulous!. They saw both sides of the problems lol.

So, about you. What are we going to do?. Well the very best thing I think is to highlight some threads that deal with issues like confidence and protection.

You only have to read the first post. You can comment on those posts if you wish. You can keep this thread going also.

Google

Topic: not conventional?, you are still a jigsaw piece- beyondblue

Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: depression, is there any positive?- beyondblue

Topic: defending yourself, dont be an easy target- beyondblue

Topic: vulnerable dwelling unprotected- beyondblue

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Topic: the labyrinth of frienfships- beyondblue

Topic: so is it your illness or your personality?- beyondblue

Topic: inner peace, the glory of being you- beyondblue

There are many more. I hope they help.

We also have an LGBTIQ thread you might be interested in seeking.

Chat soon

Tony WK

[PancakeCat]

I honestly don't know how to take complements, I always feel awkward as if praise given to me is misplaced. The depression has always been with me, I have allot of memories in my teens of trying to drown it out with alcohol and substance abuse, both vices I've left behind, I rarely drink these days.

I've seen 5-7 psychs, I've somewhat lost track. I've gotten bored of being told to try mindfulness or analysing my feelings objectively, I'm aware that many of my feelings may be unfounded, but that doesn't stop me from feeling them, their significance and weight.

[white knight]

Hi pancake

I dont use mindfulness either, I havent got the patience. The thing with progress with mental illness us do what works for you.

But sadly, if you dont do the work you wont get results. I dont want to sound mean about it. Ive studied my own illnesses and other gor iver 30 years now and even psychiatrists will say that uou have to put the hard yards in so you can better yourself.

That why I listed thise threafs you can google. Reading them will help even in the slightest way.

Do you feel you want to overcome your problems?

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear PancakeCat~

I've read your posts and one thing strikes me, you have a real down on yourself. Yes I know you are aware of this and I'm not saying anything new. I also realize you are well aware that that such feelings may be unfounded but are stuck with them.

It is not easy to improve self image, and if things have been that way for a long time it is that much harder to change. If I look at myself I have seen one avenue that has helped. It involves things I do.

If I accomplish a task, be it writing, or making something, or artistic, or interaction with another, there are times when I know it is good work, I'd hesitate to say perfect, but very good, professional, elegant, pleasing; not to anyone else - though that is a bonus if it happens - but to me, all by myself.

It obviously does not happen all that often, but frequently enough to know there is something inside me that can produce a superior effort on occasion - and this helps a lot. I can look at it, or remember it and think when all is back I don't know everything, there is an unknown in me and it makes a difference. It puts the lie to my totally black thoughts which have me as a useless failure, of no account.

I notice you said you do work, others have treasured it. May I ask if there is ever any you are well pleased with, even if only a moment before the harsh judgmental ideas crowd in?

I don't know if I'm making much sense, I hope so.

Croix

[PancakeCat]

I have a large number of hobbies, and I have a few pieces I'm proud of. My hobbies are somewhat isolating. But I indulge in them constantly, they've always been a coping mechanism for me, something I can burry my head into and suffocate depression with.

I do wood turning, blacksmithing, fabrication, fine wood working, construction, machine work (fitting and turning), digital drawing, philosophy study, and work on my equipment as I'm working on becoming an arborist.

A multitude of things I find incredibly interesting and rewarding however none of which are appreciated by most people, most think some of what I do is "cool" but that's usually as far as that goes. As I said, most communities with people interested in the same stuff I am, don't particularly like people like myself, and I've been ostracized from a few communities for what I am and my appearance, and I've been turned into a joke in communities for the same reasons, which just makes me feel too different to be a part of a community. So I just quietly work on my hobbies, interests and career aspirations by myself.

As I said I do like some of the work I produce. I'm working on an old growth redgum vase a work college asked me to make, and it's turning out nicely. I'm confident in my abilities, I know I can do allot. But my skills feel irrelevant, significant only to myself and in them I find humbled contentment but no sense of self worth is derived from them. I view my achievements as the minimum I should expect from myself, nothing above an arbitrary shifting standard I've determined for myself to meet.

[Croix]

Dear PancakeCat~

I'm a bit relived to tell the truth, I thought you might come back and say there was nothing you did you were proud of. I'm very glad there is. You also impress me that to undertake those particular occupations you must have strength, fine motor control, a bent for logic and a sense of artistic balance.

I was rabbiting one about feeling the worth of one's endeavors - what they result in. So if it is a vase, or a chairleg, or a tight treatise in philosophy, or a set of digital plans in some ways it does not matter - except to show the breadth of your capabilities. It is the fact you looked at it and found it good.

Of course the goalposts do change. I look at some physical object I've made - perhaps a bookcase, all square, no blemishes, finish smooth, screw heads align and so on and can be pleased. however it is not long before I'm thinking it has a base that could be modified to make short stubby legs without sacrificing strength or stability.

And so it goes on. It's natural to want to better the last effort (that arbitrary shifting standard). Later on when I've made the new improved version I can still look back on the old one and still see the small triumphs. It's my judgment based on my experience. Other people only come in to it a bit.

For me it is a short step to help me judge the strengths and shortcomings of others. Not their skill in woodwork or whatever, their worth, application, skill in other things and kindness (how did that last one sneak in?). Then I realize I'm worthy enough to judge.

You relate how communities do not feel you belong, or make jokes about you. You are too different. Well OK that may be the case, but ask yourself this, if they are shallow why do you notice their actions, and also why do you present yourself as you do, perhaps suspecting you image will be the first thing they see and react to? Not the real person.

You did give quite a detailed description of what many would see on the outside. It is almost as if you chose part of that appearance to create a gulf. Tatts, piercings and a partly shaved head are fine in themselves but do take over other's attention.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I'm not trying in the least to be critical, just wondering what you would like in life if you had the chance. If I've offended or been insensitive you have my apology, it is not my intention.

If you can put up with my meanderings and would like to talk more I'd be pleased

Croix