Depression: need advice

[Mikey_girl]

Hi I'm new here. I went off antidepressants last year after 25 years. There is a long story behind this which I won't go into. I've been ill for most of this year and whether this was due to coming off antidepressants is undecided. No cause has been found after extensive tests. Im physically better but have become quite depressed to the point where I just want to stay in bed all day. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and am back on medication. Ive only been on the full dose for 2 weeks and also on some anxiety medication. I care for an adult daughter with a disability and my life has to work around this. Up until early this year I seemed to have a relatively happy life but I've completely lost the threads of that life. I feel empty and despairing. My question is this: at this stage do I force myself to do things like go for a walk etc? I've lost all motivation and I'm terrified I will feel like this forever. I don't seem to be able to feel any happiness at all at the moment. I live with my husband and 2 young adult children. My husbands been great but he has to work. Any feedback greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[JessF]

Hello Mikey girl,

Welcome and thank you for posting and sharing. After 25 years on the medication rollercoaster, the subsequent year of illness, being a (largely sole) carer for a daughter with a disability, and general Mum duties (which always get taken for granted), you have an awful lot on your plate. How do you think you've kept the plates spinning as well as you have so far? Just from your short description of your situation, you sound like an incredibly strong and outgoing person who doesn't like that she has lost life's mojo. I notice you say that up until this year you 'seem to' have had a relatively happy life, which I read as you being unconvinced. If I've understood you right, I know what you mean; when we've been sliding downhill for a while, we can really lose thread of what being happy even feels like and when we last truly felt it. And then comes the fear of, will I ever feel that happiness again?

Despite the empty despair you're feeling, there is a practical part of you that is weighing up that old chicken and egg question, does the depression make me unmotivated, or does the lack of motivation and activity make me depressed? Should you try a 'short circuit' by forcing yourself out of the house when your brain is telling you to stay in bed? The fact that you're even asking yourself this question says to me that you know this is going to be good for you, even if it makes you feel just 1% better and give you a bit of strength to keep going.

I understand that you appreciate all that your husband does, but that his time is limited, and your life needs to be structured around your daughter's needs. In your post, you've discussed looking after your own needs in the sense of putting your health first, but I get the sense that this has been out of the necessity of having a family that relies on you and that you perhaps have not had any time to think about what a happy, hopeful, fulfilling life really means for you. Does that resonate at all?

Doing the little things to keep going (like forcing yourself out for walks) are important, but I wonder if some answers might come from deeper thought if you're ready for that.

[Mikey_girl]

Hi JessF and thank you for your considered and prompt reply. I know I have some deeper issues to address (such as finding things to do that give my life meaning) but at the moment I don't feel ready. I'm finding it hard to even engage in conversation with my immediate family. I have to force myself to try and be interested in their lives. I'm hoping that the anti depressants kick in soon and that might give me a bit of a boost in confidence and energy. I have some ideas about things I can try like an exercise program and volunteer work but just feel like I'm stuck in thick mud at the moment. Even my appetite has left the building which is quite unusual. Thanks again for your response.

[JessF]

Hello mikeygirl, you're welcome, nice to hear back from you. It sounds like you're on to it. No need to go digging down deeper if you're not ready. It's an understatement to say that it's not nice to feel like you're having to force yourself to be interested in your family's lives. But at the same time you know that there are likely medical, chemical reasons for this and that hopefully your body will catch up soon because all the intent is there. I don't mean this to minimise your depression, but the fact that you have ideas about volunteering and exercise at all is a very good sign that things are on the move for you. Not where you'd like to be by any means, but you have plans and you want to carry through with them, although it's difficult to push yourself that last little bit and reach an arm out of the mud. How did you come across the volunteering, is it somewhere you've been involved with previously?

[Mikey_girl]

Hi Jess. I was volunteering once a month last year. I need to explore other options though because that role is no longer available. I don't feel ready for either exercise class or volunteering. Even eating and showering are an effort at the moment. But I'm a bit worried that if I stay curled up in a ball like I am the depression might get worse. You are spot on with the chicken and egg scenario. I'm really hoping for a bit of a lightening of mood just to help me move if that makes sense.

[JessF]

You're right, it's so easy to slip into doing less and less, and the less you do, the less you want to do. If eating and showering are the best you can manage at the moment, then it's no shame in concentrating on those two things. Even if you set aside ten or fifteen minutes a day to keep looking up potential volunteering opportunities, it might help you feel like you're doing something each day towards your goals. I've found that when I've been very depressed, making my goals fit what I'm capable of on any given day (with maybe just a little push beyond) has helped keep me afloat. I really hope the lightening of mood will come for you soon. Are there any times during the day or week when you feel less overwhelmed and more how you'd like to be?

[Mikey_girl]

Thanks JessF. I feel a bit better in the evening. But I'm not sure whether that's because I can legitimately stay in bed and watch mindless tv or if it's a lightening of mood. My self talk at the moment is contributing to the depression. When I wake up I seem to automatically go into 'oh no another awful day ahead. Is this what the rest of my life holds? ' etc. I know it's great that I have this awareness I seem powerless to change it. It all just seems hopeless at the moment. I really appreciate your feedback though because it is making think a bit outside of my small frame of reference.

[Distant]

Forcing yourself to go for a walk is usually a great idea. The only issue being, it’s hard to enjoy something when it feels so forced.

I can imagine going for walks has helped in the past though. My suggestion is that if you feel like you can go for a walk, like you can get out of bed or off the couch then you absolutely should. I’ve had days where I just couldn’t get out of bed as many others have.

In saying that, there is nothing wrong with taking some time out to binge tv. I’m only suggesting that if you think a walk has even the smallest possibility to help and you feel you are able to, then worst case scenario is you went for a walk. And who knows, it might be a nice walk.

[Mikey_girl]

Thanks so much for responding Distant. Just went for a walk with my husband. Didn't give me any joy but I did it. I'm certainly watching a lot of tv lately 😳😳😳 It just takes my mind off everything.