Depression is returning with a vengeance

[Baileysmells]

I was slowly getting better for a while there, but after a few unsuccessful dates the loneliness came. Since then I've just been regressing back to how I was at the start of the year, thoughts of wanting to not be here are coming back at random like before.

I'm just so tired. Tired of this battle against my mental health. Tired of my anxiety stopping me from being who I want to be. Tired of having no one to share my day with. My assessments are beginning to pile up and I've been neglecting my study in favor of disassociating and sleeping all day. I'm so over taking medication. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm actually no better than I was a year ago, I'd just been able to keep my mind busy for a while, now It's back to being sad and wishing the morning won't come.

I don't know how I'm going to continue, I'm being forced to become more and more independent and it's hitting like a truck with all this other stuff. Existential issues are arising.

[geoff]

Hello Baileysmells, medication is always advisable to take, but it won't help you unless you also have counselling, where you can discuss any problems you are facing and being knocked back on trying to date someone is always a difficult situation to be in, because we feel as though it's something we have done, however, if you aren't feeling well then it's not so easy to appreciate the person you're dating, only because you may not be well which then causes these existential issues.

I don't know whether you are at uni but if your assignments are building, is because you aren't feeling well enough.

Relapses are possible and can happen when only something very small happens, even though we may think that we are able to cope, there are numerous times when this isn't possible, because other factors may suddenly confront us and we're not sure what to do.

Can I ask you if you have had any counselling before, because this is important.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[therising]

Hi Baileysmells

I feel for you so deeply as existential issues arise. I've found that an existential crisis can range from basic through to downright depressing and anxiety inducing at times. It can even become seriously depressing and seriously anxiety inducing. As you'd know, it's pretty easy to identify serious, based on the type of internal dialogue that's going on and how you're feeling your experiences.

I believe as we go along we graduate to higher states of awareness or consciousness. We can go through periods of self questioning, questioning other people's behaviour, questioning the meaning of life and even our emotions (what they're all about) for example. Then we can come out of such questioning with some new understandings and philosophies, feeling our self having risen in some way. Next comes the really hard part, putting what we've learned to the test. I suppose an example could involve social anxiety. As a natural introvert, social anxiety can be easy to feel. Just say you graduate to understanding 'I can feel how my mind (with all it's self doubt) and nervous system interact with each other in social settings'. So, you begin to change the way they interact and you find all works well. You have graduated through understanding and practice but hang on a second...you suddenly find yourself in a larger than usual social setting. You can hear and feel the volume of people there and it's overwhelming. You find yourself reverting back to the nervous wreck you see yourself as. You start to question 'Did I really graduate or was that some form of self delusion?'. Truth is you did. If you want to graduate to higher levels of self mastery, expect the tests to be tougher. Tough tests and much practice make the master. Anything short of this is partial self mastery.

While I'm aware that seeing it all this way may not help entirely, I just don't want you to lose sight of how far you've come. It's said that The Buddha did not become master overnight. Becoming 'The Enlightened One' is a process, a sometimes depressing test of faith in one's self❤️

[Baileysmells]

I have been seeing a psychologist but I just don't seem to be getting anything out of it anymore, I don't know what to say all the sudden. It seems to have stopped giving me that boost to get through to the next session. I no longer look forward to my appointments

[Beeee]

Hello Baileysmells,

I'm sorry to hear how you've been feeling. Maintaining positive mental wellbeing can definitely be a long and tiring journey, given how hard you've been working, it's understandable that you're feeling tired. Is there anyway you can take a break from the things that are stressing you out, perhaps taking a semester off or even just taking a few days off to do the things that make you happy and practice some self-care?

When it comes to your psychologist, discuss with how you're feeling with them, how you haven't been finding the sessions helpful/motivating. Your psychologist is there to help you and will surely be happy to have you share your feelings and perhaps you can work together to find a way for you to look forward to appointments. It could even be that you have outgrown your current therapist, and maybe finding someone new will feel like a fresh start. 

Wishing the best,

Beeee

[Baileysmells]

Unfortunately I'm half way through my first semester so dropping classes isn't an option, and the alternative is going back to work 5 days a week 😞

I can barely bring myself to look my psych in the eye I'm not sure how I'd go with such a confronting seeming topic, if I'm lucky I get one session a month. I feel like if I saw a new shrink I'd seem as if I'm not getting anywhere since the first few sessions would be the generic getting to know you phase. I'm just in a bit of a limbo atm, to begin trying to "fix" things would make my situation more difficult like stopping/changing one of my THREE meds would send me down a hole of mental instability and side effects, changing/bringing concerns up with my psych would give anxiety and then it's trial and error to find one that is decent in my small town.

Sorry if this sounds dismissive, I just don't have any good options right now. Things just keep getting worse, whenever I think I'm getting somewhere I regress. I'm so over this I don''t think I'll make it to the career phase in life

[therising]

Hi Baileysmells

Beeee mentions a number of factors that could be at play, such as with maybe having outgrown your psychologist to some degree, facing the challenge of feeling not being able to speak freely enough to put across how you now experience the sessions and possibly the exhaustion factor.

While some people may say to us 'Stop being so sensitive', sometimes I find I'm just not sensitive enough to be able to pinpoint what I'm really feeling. I could say 'I'm angry'. The feeling of 'anger' (which has a definite feel to it) can be a pretty general feeling before it becomes more specific. Have I managed to reach the point of anger through intolerance, having just found my tolerance levels? Have I reached it through endless disappointment, where I've had to disappoint so many people from the appointments or roles I'd given them that would lead them to help me constructively? Have I reached it through a soul destroying relationship, where I've felted gutted by my partner so often that I've managed to move past the depressing stage and have now reached sheer anger over such abuse or neglect? So, specifically, it becomes about identifying exactly what kind of anger it is. Could be a combo of all 3, which can help explain a level or emotion known as 'pure rage' or 'seething fury'.

Is it possible you've reached a level of exhaustion you may not have ever faced before and that's what you're feeling, a factor you've never felt before? Depression is one thing, depression and a state of pure exhaustion is a whole other thing. It was actually my daughter who pointed out to me earlier in the year 'You know you may be facing the 3rd stage of GAS (General Adaptation Syndrome)'. Out of curiosity, I looked it up and it described how I was feeling to a T.