Depression and unhappiness where I live

[froggy43]

Hi anyone that is reading this I feel desperate for someone else’s opinion I hate where I live but my partner loves it , I have been here for the last 6 yrs I tell my husband I am unhappy and want to move but he says I would never be happy anywhere and just rips it to me like it’s all my fault. He says if your unhappy leave regularly tell me this when he doesn’t,t like what he hear to go. Sometimes he gets angry and starts punish walls at so next morning I am told sorry we have been married for over 30 yrs so I love him but I am beginning to feel like I am living some else’s wants in live should I leave him or least give him a break to think for myself for awhile we have been together since our teens

[Robbi3]

Hi Froggy,

I am in a similar situation. We have been together for about 24yrs, since her late teens I was early 20's

Things have been hot and cold for us for some time now. I recently got arrested at our home by the police, because I became angry at my wife for not helping me in our joint investment property issue I was having. It had become difficult to get to help me with anything. Our kids have seen us fight and bicker for some time, our oldest would most of the time be in her bedroom with door closed, our youngest would be watching something on youtube on the family TV and my wife would be in our bedroom watching Netflix on her laptop most days I got home from work, I was usually the last one home each weekday. I felt I had no where to go in the house or no one wanted to talk to each other. On most days I would consume alcohol, and could lead me to feeling more tired, and could get very irritated. My wife mentioned a few times to me over I guess a year when she would consume alcohol, that she wanted a divorce, and would bring alot of the same past issues up that we had. This would make me angry, because it was when she had consumed alcohol that she would bring up the same old past. I told her she could leave at anytime. She always said she had no where else to go or the money to be able to do it.

I am currently on bail until my court appearance, and not allowed within 100 metres from the family home.

I have managed to move in with my parents, which is my wife & I investment property.

My youngest is currently not talking to me. It's a bit of a shit show at the moment trying to compromise on all the financials.

I have been to the GP and got a mental health plan and referral to a psychologist to help with my anger and drinking habits.

It is a hard start to actually leave your home, especially if you feel you have nowhere else to go or be able to financially be able to. One of us should of left quite some time ago before it got to this. I'm taking the positive approach here, I would not of known there is this much help out there, or  seriously give slow down on my alcohol intake. It is the one thing I have not been able to quit yet.

I hope you are able to at least take a break from your situation, and see what happens before it gets out of control, and could get worse.

Hope this helps.

[therising]

Hi froggy43

I feel for you so much as you face a need your husband just doesn't feel. It's tough when we can give all the reasons under the sun when it comes to a desperate need for change but our partner just doesn't want to listen to reason. While they may have valid and understandable reasons for keeping things the same, we may also have valid and understandable reasons for change. I think the challenge comes down to compromise and greater communication. Not easy to achieve at times and sometimes just downright impossible.

Maybe a break is just what you need, to be out of the house for a little while so you can get a feel for what it's like to not be there. If you can afford to stay somewhere else or perhaps have a friend or family member you could spend time with, it might give you a perspective that could serve you in a number of ways. How long that kind of change looks is something only you can decide on.

Having been married for 21 years, it wasn't until a few years ago that I noticed a pattern. My husband is typically happiest when everything's going his way. So, basically, as long as nothing changes in his life everything's great. Don't get me wrong, he opened his mind to having kids (who are now 18 and 20) and a few other things but in order for change to happen in ways that serve us both, I've had to fight for those changes in the past (changes he's been glad we made, grrr). Gee, it's hard work and maybe something you can relate to. While I'm grateful to be in the house we've been in for the past 18 or so years, I mentioned to him a couple of years back 'I think it's time for a change' and began to give reasons. He cut me off with the response 'Nup, I'm staying. You and the kids can go if you're not happy'. As my 20yo daughter mentioned to me 'You know the 2 of us (her and her brother) will move out eventually and you'll be stuck here 'til the day you die, if dad has his way'. She also mentioned 'You know it doesn't have to be that way. You can move out too, when we do. Sell the house, take your share and buy yourself a little place of your dreams, where you have the freedom to do whatever you want'.

I think, if we're with a 'my way or the highway' kind of person, sometimes the highway turns out to be the high (happy) way. I've found living life largely someone else's way for so many years can become depressing and even soul destroying in some ways. While sacrificing a lot of what makes us happy (so as to keep the peace), we can be losing our self bit by bit and not necessarily realise what's happening. At some point we can feel it though. Re-membering our self (putting our self back together) can be about getting a feel for that high or higher way. ❤️