Depression and self sabotage

M2 · ‎04-06-2017

Is it normal to constantly want to"hurt" yourself during a particularly bad period of depression? I don't mean physically. Any way of sabotaging my future seems to be on the cards. This time it cost me a redundancy payout (20 years). Another time it was a split of my divorce settlement (I gave everything instead to my ex). Usually it is smaller, not financial, more a way of putting myself last somehow, others always first.

It's obviously some kind of martyr complex. Often others don't know about it, else I'd guess it was to make others feel sorry for me. I think perhaps it's because I have somehow come to like being hopeless?

Does anyone else have this? It has been extremely destructive to my life.

BballJ · ‎04-06-2017

Hi M2,

This is an interesting one, I can't say I have seen it a lot on these forums where people want to sort of hurt themselves in a non physical sense... I have heard about the one where people do things so others feel sorry for them, but you don't seem to want that as you said. May I ask do you currently see a GP or psychologist about your depression? If so, have you ever told them about this behaviour? It seems like it would be a good thing to bring up to them and why it is done. I am sorry I don't have the perfect advice for you and I hope someone comments who can relate on a closer lever.

My best for you,

Jay

Tanny2 · ‎05-06-2017

I can relate to what you say. I hurt ,yself too. Ive lost a bloody good job, my husband of 24 years and ma daughter because of the stupid things i do. I drank too much. They tried to support me through it for 3 years but despite thisi kept drinking. Now im living alone without my family. Lost my job. Ive lost everything pretty much. And im to blame. I i hurt myself. dont know what will become of me. I spend as much time as i can sleeping. Sleeping is my escape

Ash1 · ‎07-06-2017

I can relate too. I'm constantly going round in this cycle of self destruction, then i'll pick myself up again, do ok for awhile before I go off the rails (usually due to the influence of alcohol) and I hate myself! It's so hard to break! every time i think I've gotta hold of it/got it managed the darkness slowly creeps in and before i know it everything's fallen apart again. I guess its nice to know I'm not the only one going through this kind stuff...it's just frustrating

Juliet_84 · ‎15-06-2017

I don't self-sabotage in the traditional sense by medicating with alcohol, drugs etc but I choose men that are damaged and bad for me always. I can sense the most dark and brooding man from across a crowded room, even better if they're standoffish and arrogant, but ask me what I want in a man and I respond "someone kind, soft with me, funny". But then I meet these men sometimes and I am gripped by fear that I could actually be happy with someone like that. Deep down I don't honestly believe that I deserve to be happy.

matty_is_here · ‎15-06-2017

I'm here on this forum because I joined up to BB 8 months ago and have never made it in here. Long story short, I seem to keep relapsing. I've tried lots of different therapies, and not just tried - I have really given them a go. But, as one relationship after another keeps failing, or at least i keep sabotaging them, here I am. I seem to get really frustrated over small things, money, work or even just displeasing my partner or letting her down because I'm not getting better any quicker. I'm too much of a perfectionist and struggle with self esteem. When things go bad, I just want to run away and completely destroy any chance of salvaging my relationship...I just want to smash it to pieces for good so that I don't have to deal with it anymore. To deal with these issues means I have to deal with MY issues and I just don't have any answers left.

Driver · ‎29-06-2017

This is me.

Currently paralyzed by anxiety because I'm getting texts about tax returns not being done and further thoughts on the possible repercussions (at least I thought to come here, just not sure it will help - I can appease myself to some extent by taking actions, albeit those actions are never directly applicable to the crisis at hand (I'm here on this website when I should be on the tax office website)). I don't work and haven't for a few years, tried to get centrelink up and running several times but it all got 'too hard', so I've been burning through my savings at an alarming rate with just a few months reserves left until it all hits the fan in a massive way. I only ever pay bills on the brink of, or past, disconnection - even when I have the means to pay and avoid any worry. Soon I'll have no means to pay.

That's all bad enough but on top of that, I'm a father with a fantastic 11yr old daughter (shared amicably 50-50 with my ex)- doing great at school, school captain & much more besides. I can't see any outcome for me other than ending up being homeless, or worse, but that will destroy my daughter in ways I don't want to think about - so I don't think about it.

clownartist · ‎29-06-2017

Hi Driver,

I read your posting it sounds like me .I panic about bills tax returns etc and procrastinate and do nothing to the last minute.I sort of call it option paralysis too many choices so make none .I have watched my income diminish I have sort no help from centrelink etc I am separated for 3 years my daughter like yours is fantastic great singer great at school.I am concerned about my welfare like you worried about being homeless income etc.I believe it is all about low self esteem but you cant start a fire without a spark.Finding it so hard to get inspritation

BballJ · ‎29-06-2017

Hi Driver, matty_is_here, Juliet_84, Ash1, Tanny2 & clownartist,

I noticed a lot of you posted in here and haven't posted elsewhere or have but I haven't seen it personally.

I just want to say, starting your own thread if you haven't is a good start, we can miss posts when you post in other peoples threads so I do encourage you all to start your own threads so we can offer advice to each of you depending on your situations.

Please also remember you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are going through and get advice that you may need from trained professionals. I do hope to see you all further around the forums.

My best,

Jay

Howmuchcanakoalabear · ‎02-07-2017

Hi there. You really do need to have professional help to get to the bottom of this self sabotage. I also can associate with this having lost my job of over 30 years as well as superannuation and long service leave entitlements due to behaviour that is now also likely to see me incarcerated. I have also lost most of my friends, broken up with my wife and live a solitary existence on the borderline of homelessness. One of the symptoms of depression is a lack of motivation so it easily becomes a vicious cycle but there really are people out there who genuinely care about helping us broken people back on the road to recovery. The trick is to find the right help as everyone's situation is slightly different. The martyr complex you refer to is partly due to the guilt you feel about not measuring up so you overcompensate not only to try to appease others but also to try to gain some sense of self worth however temporary. I'm no expert but somehow the cycle needs to be broken. I personally am medicated and that provides some assistance but I still find it hard to enjoy anything and associate with what some other posters have mentioned of feeling not only hopeless but also numb to all feelings. Yes sleep provides some solace but the problems are still there so it isn't a solution but just another avoidance tactic that the mind uses. You are unlikely to be able to really make progress without support as the resolve of those depressed is generally insufficient. Blokes want to try to tough it out but trust me it doesn't work! I find helping others also helps me. For a while I was connected to a church and that helped me a lot as there are very kind people who genuinely want to help others. I pray for recovery and a hopeful future not only for myself but also for you and others going through the same things. Try to have a purpose however small to begin with eg I am going to help the next door neighbour fix her fence. It seems ludicrous but sometimes I go and do something for someone else that I don't seem to be able to do for myself. Figure that. Like I will help someone else tidy up their shed but my shed is a bombsite! I think the trick is not to overthink and tell yourself to do something however small to begin with. I tend to cycle trough frenetic activity and absolute lethargy. I mean I will work until I drop literally and yet most of the time can't get myself moving. Have hope that life can and will get better but you do need support.