Depression and parenting

[Kassidy]

Hey everyone, first time poster here.

So im 23 and was diagnosed with depression at 15 and I have a 3yo son which is suffering more than i am. Today is definately a new level of breaking point, i couldnt feel like a worse parent.

Back when i was first diagnosed with depression looking back now id say its was all pretty normal these days for a teen, i was medicated etc and all was ok. When i was 18 I entered what turned out to be a mentally abusive relationship and fell pregnant with my son. His dad was in and out of the picture the whole time which put so much stress on me. When my son was born, i couldn't even look at him, this lasted a few hours and for the first few months i had no connection to him at all. As if i didnt feel bad enough about that right? Anyway, time went on and ive just established i dont have a maternal bone in my body which really bothers me. I just want to be the best mum i can be for him. My beautiful boy is now 3 and the easiest child ive come across to parent and look after. He deserves so much more than what hes getting.

Ive been trying to find the right medication since i had him, to bring me back i guess. The one im on at the moment i don't feel is doing anything, just like the others. I have an amazing partner who helps me so much but i think that only makes me feel worse knowing i don't know where my son would be without that support. I have the kind of side effects where i would sleep all day if i could. The kind where you don't wake up to anything like alarms or when your childs in trying to wake you up in the morning. Yes, when my 3yo son is TRYING to wake me i don't even know. My partner went to work this morning and left the back door open for our dog. I woke up at 10am to find my child on the couch, the door open and the back gate unlocked (which he can open). So much could have gone wrong all because of me and my problems. I've never felt like such a horrible mother.

I go to the gym when i can to try help, i try my best to maintain a healthy lifestyle, i take the medication im currently on, im doing everything i can to try stop being the way i am and its just not working. I feel like the doctor i use just doesn't understand but im yet to find one who truly does. I guess i just dont know what to do anymore and im petrified of not being concious when my son needs me and not hearing him if he screams at night. I want to be the best parent because hes the most perfect thing thats ever happened to me. Thanks for reading

[Quercus]

Hi Kassidy and welcome to the forums.

First off let me share a quick story... Bear with me?

Two days ago I had had a gutful of my kids. I gave up and went back to sleep. Mr 4 got a box. Got the key for the door and let himself and Miss 3 outside. Went to play with our rabbits. Our German Shepherd pushed his way past where he smashed up the cages. I didn't hear it or wake up. My son came and woke me and I rescued the bunnies and sat there shaking for a few hours trying not to cry.

The point?

#1.You are not alone.

#2. You are doing the best you can right now.

#3. It is time to ask for help.

#4. All parents struggle to like their kids at some point.

A friend told me with small kids we have to be present in order to keep them safe. She is right. Me having enough is a sign I need to ask for help. Same with you. If you can't stay awake or wake up those meds need to change.

I would go back to your medical professional asap and tell them this exhaustion is not ok. Do you see a GP or a psychiatrist for your meds? I would strongly suggest a psychiatrist if you are struggling to find medication that works for you.

In the meantime are there any other support people you can ask for help? With a 3 year old you do need to be awake (no judgement here.... I've done worse see above). What about a few hours in daycare just to give you set times to sleep until you find some relief from the exhaustion?

Being a mum is hard work. And every single one of us feels guilty on a regular basis! We are human and to have this little person wholly dependant on you is utterly terrifying and irritating and exhausting in equal parts.

We do the best we are able to Kassidy. Sometimes we just need to realise we can't care for kids well if our health is not managed properly.

I hope you can come talk some more. Please take good care of yourself.

Nat

[White_Rose]

Dear Kassidy

Like Quercus I welcome you to the forum. Quercus is right about the need to change meds. You do need to be awake to look after your son. I'm not sure who prescribes your medication. Is this your GP or a psychiatrist? I think you need to go back and get your needs reassessed. Can you return to the antidepressant you took when you were at school?

Whatever the reason please make an appointment with your GP quickly. Some GP have more interest in mental health (MH) than others. Can you look for another doctor? If you cannot find a doctor please ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. These can prescribe meds and often know a great deal more about them than GP. Please consider seeing a psychiatrist.

I'm not sure you can classify yourself as having no maternal feelings. You are obviously distressed that your son could get hurt while you are sleeping. You say he is a beautiful child and easy to look after. Sounds like you care a great deal.

Get your meds sorted out and get some counselling. I think you will find life much easier after that.

Mary

[quirkywords]

Kassidy,

I too welcome you the forum and am glad you shared your story.

Nat and Mary have written great replies with helpful advice.

I just want to say that the fact you are aware of what you are doing and that you worry about your lovely child means you are maternal as you care deeply about your son.

I think we see so many images in the media of what we think being a mother is and they are images of actresses or models in white smiling holding beautiful children who never get dirty!!

The reality can be a struggle at times but can also be so rewarding. You are seeking help and reaching out and being honest so that is a good start.

I am sure as soon as you can get your medication worked you will feel better about your role as a mother. It is important to tell your doctor or psychiatrist about wanting a medication that does not make you drowsy or sleepy.

Thanks for sharing your story

Quirky