Depressed, lonely, worthless

[Justagirl16]

Hi everyone,

I find myself on these forums having searched the Internet for some kind of relief and comfort, as I have been feeling particularly bad depression lately, and definitely today.

I'm a 26 yo female who has recently been diagnosed with C-PTSD resulting from intermittent physical abuse and prolonged emotional neglect throughout my childhood + teenage years. I have coped 'decently' until the last couple of months, however have not been doing very well recently.

I feel so worthless, with no hope for my future in sight. I don't like myself, and I feel so lonely. I have many acquaintances, but no true friends. No one that I can confide in, spend time with outside of work, talk to. I have family, but none that I am close to and feel I can reach out to. The family I am closest to are those that neglected me in times of need as a child, and I could not speak to them about my depression, feelings of worthlessness, as they would tell me to "snap out of it". I am lucky that I have a wonderful and supportive partner, but I worry that my depression is taking its toll on him. I am not interested in sex, I cannot do anything with him, I am always crying in bed, and he is worried about me but cannot do anything. I am starting to think he would be much better off without me. I just wish I wasn't here. 

I have had job for the past couple of years, in which I engage with many different people very frequently. I resumed after the holiday season, and it was more difficult than ever to come back and hear everyone's stories of their wonderful holidays. I spent most of mine in bed, sick, feeling lonely, wishing I were someone else. I am a people pleaser and project a very friendly and confident disposition at work, and after 2 days, it had exhausted me. Now I have taken a sick day and have been lying in bed crying. I'm worried my boss will be angry as I have taken quite a few sick days over the last year, but being at work was far too difficult, with me on the verge of tears the whole time and unable to concentrate at all. It is exhausting keeping up a facade of happiness in an incredibly social job.

 I feel terrible. I wonder if things will get any better, but I don't think they will. I hate myself, I wish I were someone else.

 I guess, amongst all of this that I'm hoping someone might tell me that things will be ok, and that I won't feel like this forever. I don't have anyone except my partner to talk to that could possibly understand, or care.

thank you 

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[White_Rose]

Dear Just a girl

I apologise that no one has answered your post earlier. Sometimes a post slips through the cracks. Welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope we can help you.

You sound very depressed and in need of help and care. As you have been diagnosed with PTSD are you seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist? I hope it is someone you feel comfortable with and can talk to openly. Has he/she suggested you join a support group? Sometimes these can be very helpful and at the least can give you somewhere to talk. Perhaps you can raise this at your next appointment.

How much information do you have about your condition? BB have some information on PTSD. Please follow this link. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/ptsd

Being depressed makes you feel unworthy and hopeless with no faith that you will get better. And it is hard for you to believe you will get better, no matter how many people tell you so. But let me add one more person to the list and say you will get better. It will be a painful journey. I wish I could say it will be fast and painless. Your job is to keep on going. Try to believe you are on the road no matter hard it seems.

Many people keep a journal of some sort. On one page write down all the good things that happen to you, such as smiling today, being given a compliment etc. And keep writing down all the good stuff. Look back now and then to see how far you have come. You can also write the hard things down. How you feel at times, how difficult it is to discuss something with your psych. It really does help to write this stuff down, and go back every six months or so and see how well you are progressing. Give yourself a boost.

This is a short note as I am now going to bed. I hope you will write in again.

Mary

[Reaperbird]

I can relate to a lot of what you're talking about. Neglectful parents, loneliness, ptsd, and feeling worthless. It's very hard to function after growing up in a household that left you feeling obsolete.

But you are still a fantastic person, you might be dealing with a lot of stress right now, but you're still doing great. You're coping the best you can, and even though it doesn't feel good, I still think you're doing well considering all you have been through, and regardless of any set-backs you're definitely still someone who is worthy of happiness, a good life, and caring people. Maybe even more so considering the rough start you had.

Though I am sorry your situation is putting your job at risk, but remember that health comes first so you shouldn't feel guilty for needing time off. Self-care is important, and mental health can be just as inconvenient and troubling as physical health. So it's good to look after yourself when things are tough.
If you do happen to lose your job for too many days off, or because if becomes too overwhelming, you could consider going on the pension, if that would help you.

As for not wanting sex, have you considered you might be asexual? I'm not saying what you are or aren't, but you can look it up and maybe it'll give you some closure if it is something you feel describes you. Also if you're on anti-depressants, they can affect libido, so if your concerned by that, you could ask to your doctor about it.

I'm not very good with relationship advice but maybe you and your boyfriend could spend some time together doing low-energy things like watching a movie together or getting take-out from your favorite place. It can be the little things that help and it might help you both relax.
He could also see his own counselor if that's something he'd like to do, maybe learn some coping methods and ways to support you both when things are hard.

As for things getting better, it can with time. I wouldn't worry yourself too much over being like it "forever" because it's not what's important. What's important is how you feel now, and trying to finding ways to make it less overwhelming for you.
Mental health is funny too because more often then not you don't even realize your progress until one day your having a good day or moment, and you stop and wonder how the heck you even got there. So don't worry, it'll happen. In fact you being here shows your progress has already begun. You should feel proud of that. 🙂

[Louloudi]

Hello Just A Girl16,

you may not get this as it is a long time since you posted. However, I felt compelled to reply.

I pray you feel better and that you have found some peace.

I worked with abused and neglected children for 8 years: they are called GOM kids, guardianship of the minister.

I found all of them had a deep inner hole, an abyss of worthlessness. When your closest family neglect or abuse you, the place where your worth should reside feels empty. When bonding is absent this starts the child on a hollow road and they can find it hard to connect with others in a meaningful way, in a nurturing and sustaining way.

However, just because these people, your family neglected to bond, does not mean you have no value.

You must find your own value. You are gifted with many traits that are valuable and must be cherished.

You have a purpose and a service to perform on this earth. It can be hard to get to that purpose when there is so much internal struggle and the struggle to survive is a daily battle.

SOME HOW TO's.

Watch funny videos, go to comedy shows; join a laughter club etc - turn on your 'inner dolphins', your endorphins

Find a clan - a belonging - belonging and acceptance is the key to feeling loved and safe. Sometimes a church or interest group can help. The right church, loving and non-judgemental people can be a God send - no pun intended.

Say good things to yourself - this means catching the negative grinding thoughts. It may mean getting some CBT counselling, hypnotherapy etc. Speak well to yourself and this is like saying all the things your family should have said to you but did not. E.g. 'You did that well. Fantastic, you made it to work today and did a good job.' 'You look lovely today.'

Medication??? I don't know - you have to decide. GP's are strong on meds. You must be supervised to go on them and then to come off - NEVER COLD TURKEY.

A great homeopath can help too, as they can diagnose you specifically - NO OFF THE SHELF REMEDIES.

Get a blood test - is your D3 low - this can add to depression and feelings of low mood.

I too struggle with self worth and often have suicidal thoughts.

You are worth a lot and so am I.

I pray your well-being and recovery and may you feel loved and strong.

Louloudi