depression affecting my school work, feelings of fear, self doubt and self loathing

[Mavin]

Hi everyone,

I have been dealing with depression/anxiety for a long time (I am currently not seeking help for it due to financial reasons) but over the recent years, it has become a real hindrance to my school work and potential career prospects.

I am doing a creative arts degree that I really love; I love what I am being taught and the processes but I just cannot bring myself to complete my work or sometimes attend lectures; I feel so inadequate compared all of the other students that are producing high quality, industry-standard work yet I can barely sketch or produce work I feel is quality, so I just don't hand my work in. I then hate myself because I feel I cannot produce work to the same standards as the others and feel I don't belong there; I am also terrified of speaking to my lecturers because I feel they dislike me and think I am pathetic for constantly coming up with pathetic excuses when so many other students can cope but I can't...

I am worried that because I am so awful at what I do that I won't make it in the industry I want to enter and I am becoming too old to change my career path or try something else. I hate that I can't just be like all of the other students and produce work they are happy with...I want to be motivated again and feel like I actually have a chance in this industry that I love so much. I want this fear of failure and self-doubt to disappear and to be able to function as a human being again; I have so many sleepless nights because my brain goes into overdrive and tells me I am doomed to be a jobless wannabe for the rest of my life and to just give up. It has gotten so bad that I have to sleep with headphones on and listen to music to fall asleep and keep the voices at bay.

I just want to function again, I want to be proud of myself for once and feel like I can achieve something. I just don't know where to go or what to do anymore, I just want to feel normal again.

Thanks for reading.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Mavin,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for joining us. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much with uni but at the same time really glad that you're showing up trying to feel better again.

While I can totally relate to the sense of inadequacy and self-hatred, I am 100% sure that other people have those same thoughts too. I bet that if you could read minds you would probably see there are other students who feel like their work isn't good enough even if you see it as high-quality industry-standard. It's such a common feeling and I think in some cases it can actually be helpful because it shows how passionate you are to the point where you want to achieve the highest standard.

I think the arts is amazing in the sense that when you finish your degree, there's no right or wrong - when drawing a face everything has to be generally symmetrical and have things line up perfectly - but when you look at animation and famous artwork everything is so different and doesn't conform to any of the rules.

If you were able to make all that self-doubt disappear, where would you like to end up? What career in the arts interests you the most?

Finally - I understand that therapy can be expensive, but often uni's have support services and therapists that you can see for free. This might be something you could look into - it's not always advertised but they are around.

RT

[CaptainSwing]

Hey Mavin,

There is a thing called "Imposter syndrome" that a lot of people suffer from - that you aren't as good as your peers or whatever, and it tends to feed off itself because of the procrastination that accompanies it (as you have described in your post).

Whenever I am feeling it creeping back in, I like to revisit the successes instead. Pick your favourite bit of work you have submitted and even if you didn't get a distinction for it, just quietly pat yourself on the back and say "I did that, and it was good". Try to remember those events and run over them in your head in a positive light.

"I qualified for this course and was accepted."

"I re-arranged my life to attend this course."

"I got up on time today and I can do that again tomorrow."

"I didn't exercise yesterday but I did do that today even if it was just 15 minutes of brisk walking and I remember how good it feels."

Imposter syndrome often manifests itself in being overly critical and spending too much time comparing yourself with others. It does no good to compare yourself with others. Compare yourself with you, yesterday or last month or last year and celebrate that progress.

We all hit setbacks and they can knock you around and it's OK to tell yourself "that hurt, I could probably do better" but don't dwell on it, it's an opportunity to do better and to learn. Don't let those setbacks cloud your eventual goal (I can graduate, I can get a job or start a business doing this).

It takes a long time and professional help to get back to thinking like this but if you can keep those successes close and reinforce the feelings they bring, it well help. It helps me.