Depressed with life and no motivation to move on

[Aliza221]

Hmm... where should i even begin. This is a first for me, I've spoken with a few people in my life before but my circle isn't the best. My whole life i tried to help everyone i can, all i ever got in return was betrayal. I was a completely different person in 2014 and now i feel like a miserable lonely vessel. I am thankful to have a roof over my head and parents and brothers; even though inside i don't like my brothers choices. I won't act like i am the only one who had tragedy in life but i feel every year is getting worse for me. I don't even want to leave my room or speak with a single person. Most times i am forced to speak and often i find myself just starring somewhere else or in my own world rather than speaking to someone. I have been cheated and used my whole life, I've done a lot of dark things i am not proud of (No drugs), and unfortunately those were the times i was the most alive. I tried to do good, get a job, make my parents happy and try to be the son they wanted, since my brothers all failed, and improve my own life before i become a criminal and what happened? I am just depressed now. I feel worthless and like a slave working a 9to5, I've drilled it into me that i am a slave which is stupid, but for the life of me i cannot remove that thought. My father almost died and permanently changed him in 2015, my brother almost died and both his legs snapped in 2016, my best friend and the biggest impact on my life died in my arms --My dog-- in 2017, my brother went to prison in 2018 and now my only best friend is in prison this year. This depression has ruined me and i fear i cant break away. I don't know if anyone will respond but i just wanted to write this somewhere. Also every job i ever did have i just hated. I hated so much my life felt so miserable and empty inside. My smiles were always fake, until i got to my room and locked my door to be myself. I am afraid to get another job that i haven't worked for two years, i can't deal with anymore depression and anxiety, i just can't. I haven't went to the doctors, i know many people who changed for the worse once they got on the doctors prescriptions. I don't know how this will sound to another person reading, but it is what it is....this life holds no value in my eyes. Money has ruined everyone i love and the thought of it disgusts me and the fact i have to slave to earn it just to live kills me inside. I am just all over the place with these thoughts and depression. Yearly it grows worse.

[deprees8]

Hi,

It's good that you've posted here. I myself have really given up on life but one thing always holds me back. Family. No matter what happens in your life family is important. Yes we have dark days but I always say to myself if I can survive today tomorrow I can beat. Your lucky that u have a job and please dont take this the wrong way but I myself are unemployed and would love to work. So take each day as it comes and always remember that family is important. Even though I am not "worldly" I know and we all know what u are going through each and every day. So look forward to the little things in life and please if you want to talk we are here for u.

[Peter8901]

As an 18 year old I can relate to how you feel you've been cheated and betrayed and also how you feel socially I also rarely have motivation to communicate with others around and find myself living in my own bubble, my father is in prison its not particularly a nice feeling I get that too. I developed misanthropy due to my own life experiences at around 14-16. Hope everything gets better for all of us on this site, especially you.

[Aliza221]

I don't have a job. I haven't worked for two years now just because i don't want to go back to those dark places, i know it sounds stupid or selfish, considering how other people would jump on the chance to even get a job. But i feel stuck in a loop and can't break. I wake up depressed, my dogs make me happy, then i get depressed again and don't want to talk to anyone. I had so many friends at one stage, then found out how venomous people can really be and now my circle consists of 3 and not being able to express feelings eating you inside, its one of the worst things. But i agree, family is important; to be honest, i continue for my parents. I try everyday to make them proud even if it kills me inside. I love them to death but sometimes your love for someone else cannot match the hatred you contain within yourself to the world beyond the walls of your home. But thanks for a reply, knowing that two people read this post helps. I know i am not alone and there are thousands of us and all we can do continue to fight each day.

Peter8901.I'm sorry to hear you developed Misanthropy at a young age, i understand how you feel. I can't give the best advice since i am fighting similar battles, especially with family in prison, but i can say that at 18 you should focus on your future; believe me, i supported snakes and felt the sting of their bites. Don't make the same mistake, ever. People will smile then attack from the rear, if you can, just work hard and build something. We're here fighting daily, you're still young enough to correct some issues. Even i can, and god knows i try everyday to make up for mistakes but if you ever let depression find comfort in your life....it just gets darker and darker, than before you know it, pills get involved; end of the line. I will be a hypocrite if i say break the bubble, all we can do is try but, can't we? And for my see-able future, i don't see myself breaking free anytime soon.

[therising]

Hi Aliza221

I'm sorry to hear you are being challenged so deeply and so painfully. I believe it is a sorrowful time when depression is a factor. We can be left grieving in a way and not know what it is we're grieving over.

For me, I did find depression to be grief related, once I'd come to find myself outside of it (after a 15 year battle). I'd identified myself in so very many ways throughout my younger years. I didn't particularly like who I was yet I held onto my false sense of self because that's what I knew. It's terrible when you think about it, we can be taught so many things growing up, like how to tie our laces, how to master algebra, when to say please and thank you and so on but we're never taught how to change into a new identity. Who taught you how to be you, the most authentic version of you? If you answered 'No one', join the club (it's a big club). Here's the thing: Plenty of people teach us how to be someone other than our most authentic self.

We're taught what's good and what's bad, what it means to be 'successful' and what it is to be a 'failure', what classes us as 'normal' and what grades us as a 'freak'. We're jam packed with beliefs that never came from us; they came from people who taught them to us. Hmm...some pretty tough and sometimes soul destroying personal identities we can experience in our life can come out of these beliefs/teachings, yet we cling onto them because they are what we know. What we have come to identify with is what shapes our identity.

What if, one day, we discover all along we've been building our life on weak foundations/beliefs. When there are problems in the foundations we have built our life upon, life begins to crumble. We look at the structure and may say 'This, my life, is weak and flawed. I am weak and flawed'. Have you ever considered the foundations to be weak and flawed? Eg: To serve others makes me lovable. I believe that much of what led me into depression involved me not letting go of dying beliefs, a gradually dying identity. Internal conflict is a torturous state, when the old self is slowly crumbling/dying but we just don't know how to be someone else. How can we look to what we have never been taught?

I believe a good start to learning who we really are involves us unlearning much of what we've been taught. We make room for new beliefs such as 'Moving forward involves giving myself emotional release from past deeds' and 'We're only rich if we use money to evolve in soulful liberating ways'.