Redundancy, narcissistic mother & Depression

[Hiking_Eeyore]

I am struggling with this fight against depression which began when I was 16. I am now 27. I like to think of myself as strong as I keep going despite everything but I am just so tired of feeling low daily. I do not wish to take antidepressants as I was prescribed these from 16 to early 20s with little help and many side effects. I try to manage naturally with my lifestyle.

This year I cut contact with my narcissistic mother which has been good for me while being one of the most difficult things I have done. Serving her needs and putting up with her abuse for so many years now has me lost.

I came home to one of my little dogs passed away in Jan, my other dog was sitting next to her barking, I have trouble getting the image out of my head and missing her.

I moved in with my boyfriend who is my first ever partner in Feb. He is very loving and supportive, I am so fortunate to have found him. I have found it difficult breaking down constantly in front of him as I have always dealt with this is isolation. I feel embarrassed crying constantly and don't want to bring him down.

I was made redundant in March from my full time property management job which I never liked and it paid poorly. I have kept myself busy with work over these last few years, often with burnout. I lived by myself with my 2 dogs and am used to being independent. I ran out of money 3 weeks ago. Centrelink has declined my request for support. I cannot gain citizenship being a New Zealander, I have lived here 11 years as my father brought us here for his work. He passed away 5 years ago from a heart attack at 56 years of age. Grief doesn't go away I just made space for it.

My partner is paying the rent with his Centrelink benefit. Jobs are hard to come by with the amount of people applying. I am applying daily but am feeling really hopeless and useless not contributing.

I have been thinking about seeing a psychologist again but it is so difficult to action this, I have been through many before. I have been pushing myself to get out walking daily, writing to heal from my mother's abuse and a lot of repressed emotions came up last month. I have trouble focusing on my interests and go numb at times. I don't have any close friends.

Any advice would be appreciated lovely people. Thank you.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Hiking_ Eeyore,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out and sharing your story.

It sounds like you've had so much grief to deal with. No wonder it feels like it never stops. I must say though, I do see in your post a lot of positive things. Maybe that surprises you, but the fact that you are walking daily and writing things out, and looking for work ..... all of these things are positive steps.

I should mention at this point that I am not a professional, just a fellow human being who has had some similar experiences to yourself, and can certainly empathize and identify with some of what you have described.I don't know much about the Centrelink issue, but I have had my own issues with depression and not wanting to take antidepressants. I've been prescribed them, but never had them. What I have had, and actually found to be quite helpful was a good strong dose of Vitamin B. It seems to be good for lifting your mood, and improving circulation and cognitive function as well.

I do hope that you find work soon, and that it can be something that brings you at least a little bit of joy and purpose to your life.

I'm sorry I don't have too much more to offer. And even if you don't have many close friends, at least Beyond Blue is here for you and 'open' 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You're definitely not alone here!

Take care. Hope things turn around for you soon. xo

[bubblesox]

Hi there,

I also have a narcissistic mother and have now not spoken to her in over 10 years. It gets easier and is the best thing you can do.