Depressed partner leaving

[Fen]

• I was in a six year relationship with my partner. We had what I thought was a loving, stable and solid relationship. When my partner became depressed the relationship also ended as they broke it off without much warning. 
  
  

My question is, do depressed partners come back once they’ve recovered and they can access emotions such as love again? Do they disappear or come back for a friendship or to the relationship they once had? 

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s so painful to lose someone you love, especially when it happens so suddenly. It’s understandable that you’re wondering if they might come back once they’re in a better place.

Unfortunately I cannot answer your questions.For some it can work, for others not so.

No matter what happens, what you had was real, and it’s okay to grieve. Just don’t forget that you deserve love and clarity too.

Listening ...

[therising]

Hi Fen

My heart truly goes out to you as you face such an intensely challenging and deeply emotional time in your life.

When it comes to returning to a relationship after a period in depression, I think it depends on what's caused the depression. There can be such an enormous variety of individual and combined factors that can lead a person into a depression.

From my own experience with depression, I've found there can be physical factors, mental factors and even some soulful ones. Then there can be a depressing trifecta, all 3 combined. To offer examples

• Physically, if there's a chemical deficiency or imbalance leading to a depressing lack of energy in motion within the body, when this lack of energy is addressed, emotion returns. Healthy levels of dopamine, serotonin, iron, b12 etc can be felt as energising to different degrees
• Mentally, if there's a lack of healthy beliefs (including beliefs about our self) and/or if there's an over abundance of depressing inner dialogue, such things can be felt as depressing and can also impact our chemistry. If beliefs and inner dialogue are addressed, things can change. Btw, if highly destructive or incredibly unproductive beliefs form when we're growing up, these can also get in the way of experiencing a healthy relationship. There may be a need to address such beliefs or blocks that get in the way, so that we're free to move on or return to a relationship
• In a soulful sense, there may be the need to address how we define and feel love, for example. No sense of self love and/or love for others can become deeply depressing, which can create a whole variety of depressing issues. Putting chemistry aside (involving oxytocin levels, dopamine, endorphins etc), what is love? If I came to define it in a whole new way, an inspiring way that I found to be energising, I could then say 'I never recognised just how much my partner was actually loving me throughout all those years in the lead up to me ending the relationship'. So, certain soulful revelations, newfound mental beliefs and positively charging physical chemistry can help reform a relationship

As I say, it all depends on what it is that's depressing. We're such complex creatures, that's for sure. 

[Fen]

 To be honest I can’t comprehend how my partner just left. Without giving me many answers, just cutting me off. It’s like I’m dealing with a complete stranger.

[Fen]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It’s painful to lose someone, even more painful when they don’t provide you with many answers and just leaves the other person in the dark. Almost appear to be apathetic, with no love, care or consideration. Is this normal for someone who is suffering from depression? This behaviour is so uncharacteristic of them but I’m struggling to make sense of it, if this is the actual person or the depression.

[therising]

Fen, that's so heartbreaking, to be left in the dark in such a way. It can leave someone with so many questions. It can also leave someone in a grieving state. While unintended, the person who is struggling leaves another to struggle on their own. So important to have someone raise you during this time, a time where there are factors that can bring you down.

Depending on how deep a depression is, it can have a person thinking 'I don't care anymore'. To expand on that 'What's the point in caring when it only leads me to suffer. What's the point when I'm never going to get better'. While some people choose to not care to some degree, as a form of self preservation, others simply are unable to care based on the way the brain and chemistry are working while in a depression. In recalling my years in long term depression, I would have given just about anything to be able to feel what love feels like or pure joy and emotions along those lines. I can remember saying on more than one occasion 'If I won 5 million in lotto, I would give it all up in a heartbeat if I could pay my way out of depression'. That was the absolute truth. When both my babies were born, I still couldn't love, care deeply or feel joy in the ways I wanted to. It was about 8 weeks after my second child was born that I came out of that depression. The difference was like night and day.

In post natal depression group therapy, I remember all of us being asked to contribute to a list of traits or struggles we faced in life, regarding depression. While the list developed into quite a long one, I thought 'Oh my god, this is not me. All these traits are not me. These are the traits of depression. Who am I without depression?'. Suddenly, my mind blew wide open and my life changed dramatically, for the better. At the end of 15 or so years in depression, to tell you the truth I had absolutely no idea who I was without it. That was more than 19 years ago and I'm still discovering who I am. I believe we come to life bit by bit. It is a lifetime process of self discovery and hard work on occasion. I still experience periods in depression but none are long term.

Self isolation periods are not all that unusual in depression. It wasn't until a handful of years ago that I worked out what those periods can be about. While I once thought they were simply about feeling sorrow for myself (great sadness/grief), it is ultimately a time of reflection. How to do reflection constructively is the key to unlocking certain much needed revelations. A destructive form of reflection just adds to the depression. Sometimes it's vital we find people who can help us reflect in constructive or productive ways. Whether your partner has left for a period of reflection (weeks or months) or he's left the relationship for good, time will tell. It's important now that you manage you, how you feel, how you think, how you develop, how you see the way forward etc ❤️

[Fen]

Can depression make someone fall out of love with their partner?

It feels like everything was fine between us till Depression came into the picture and doubts were created. 

[Croix]

Dear Fen~

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it must seem impossible to tell what has happened.

You asked:

"Can depression make someone fall out of love with their partner?"

I don't know however perhaps by relating my own expereince you might be in a better position to judge. When I became very depressed a couple of things happened worth mentioning. The first was that my mind became so full of hopeless thoughts that there was no room for anything else - let alone dealing with another person, even a loved one. I just had an overriding desire to be alone.

The other thing was at times I seemed to be outside my self, watching myself as if though a glass pane. I would see waht I was doing but had no control and no idea the reasons for what I was doing. In fact I lost touch with a lot, including my emotions. I did not know who I loved, if anyone, and did not even know if I was capable of love.

These may perhaps be things that have influenced your partner's behavior, particularly as it is different from normal behaviour over the years.

For me and my partner the good new is that as therapy and medication brought my depression under control my emotions returned as did my normal behavior, and now I love and am loved, support and give support and live mostly happily (depression still comes in waves but it is much less).

I am not saying this is what has happened to your partner or what the future holds, it is just my own experience which may not be related to your situation.

Croix

[therising]

Hi Fen

Croix has offered great first hand experience in regard to emotions, mindset and depression and how such things can impact a relationship.

From a purely chemical/physical perspective, low levels of oxytocin and other natural forms of chemistry in the body can make it pretty much impossible to feel any sense of love. On the other hand, you can have people who'll ingest chemistry to feel absolute ecstasy, love, oneness with everyone and everything. 

From a purely mental perspective, we can lose certain beliefs or inner dialogue that allow us to feel love. On the other hand, there can be some truly mind altering life changing revelations that can lead us to feel love in ways like we've never experienced it before.

From a purely natural or soulful perspective (with talk of chemistry and mental programs aside), if we wake up to what feels like a depressing longing for romance or the kind of stuff that speaks to the soul, if we wake up to what feels like a depressing lack of inspiration or if we wake up to what feels like a lack of moving forward or evolving with out partner, we can't feel love through a lack of all that kind of stuff. On the other hand, we can  be waking up to feeling the need for romance, the need for inspiration and the need for evolution of some type. In a nutshell, a depressing lack tells us what we may be in need of. Once needs are fulfilled in ways we can feel, I believe there is no choice but to feel love as a result.

From my own experience, with having felt both love and a lack of it, I've found it can be experienced in different ways. Love is not straight forward. I've found it to be part chemical, part mental and part soulful and often a mixture of all 3. While a sense of love can be lost in chemical, mental and natural or soulful ways, it can also be regained in such ways. ❤️

[Fen]

thank you both for your responses. It does feel like it’s impossible to tell what happened. For five and a half years my partner was a loving, kind, compassionate, empathetic person. With depression that seemed to be lost. There was anger and irritability sometimes, blame sometimes, resentment because they thought I didn’t support them enough, care enough. This is not so, I supported them as best as I could, but they seemed to view everything including me through a negative lens. Suddenly they were critical sometimes, thought I was avoiding them, that I didn’t want to spend time with them because they weren’t themselves anymore. It was perplexing. I suspect they thought I was going to leave them because of the depression and left first. And then kept pushing me away. And convinced themselves the relationship was not okay and I was not okay.  Also I feel like there has been a complete personality change in term of how they’re behaving towards me. Honestly very confusing. 

How long did it take for meds to work and for you to feel like yourself again?