Demotivated Struggle

[Postado]

Hello,

I have been struggling with depression and disassociation for a long time now. I have trouble identifying feelings and emotions. Been seeing a psychologist who has been helping me out with hypnosis therapy. Stuff actually works..

I have begun to disassociate less which I suppose it's good? But that means I am left dealing with all these emotions and feelings but I have not much idea of what they mean.

Anyways the one feeling that I am struggling with the most is a feeling of emotional pain that comes whenever I try to do anything. Example I like drawing.. if I decide that I want to draw I have the initial motivation to come up with the idea but as soon as I pick up a pencil or make a move I get crushed by this overwhelming emotional pain.


This happens when ever I try do something I 'like'... It seems the only thing I can do is lay down or sit still.

Has anyone else experienced something like this or have an idea of what I could do to get past this?

[Quercus]

Hi Postado,

On first read of your post I wasn't sure I could relate or how to reply seeing as I manage depression but disassociation in myself.

But the more I thought about how you described the emotional pain you feel when starting something the more it felt familiar.

I'm finally able to draw again for the first time in years. Before I'd sit down to draw, stare at the paper and feel too overwhelmed to begin. Sometimes I felt sad and lost, other times frustrated and angry, occasionally it was just an overwhelming feeling I've no idea how to describe.

Lately this feeling happens when I try read a book. I love reading so it upsets me.

I've no idea what this is
or how to help apart from Wish I knew.
will post soon with ideas

[Postado]

Hello Quercus,

Thanks for your reply. I have been doing some research of my own today as I really wanted to get to the bottom of this.

For me I think I am experiencing what is known as 'Self Sabotage'.

A YouTube video I found called "How To Permanently STOP Self Sabotage" sums it up nicely.

It seems that it's a type of fear and avoidance of leaving your comfort zone. To me it's not entirely clear as to why I feel this way and why I am self sabotaging myself. The activities I am trying to do like drawing or work are not objectively out of my comfort zone..

I think my depression is lowering my self esteem and I have set up a comfort zone where I know I am capable of doing those tasks that I feel im unmotivated to do and I feel comfort in knowing I can do it but then I have subconscious fear that if I try I will prove myself wrong and feel more useless.

It's kind of hard to explain on here but watching YouTube videos helped me think of some these things.


So I really have to work on myself and make my self believe I can do the things and that what ever obstacles there are I can overcome them. I think I need to do something like that.

I'll keep doing more discovery, it's hard for me to understand my feelings and why I feel the way I do.

I'll post anything I work out on here.


 

[therising]

Hi Postado

I've found emotions to definitely be complex things. I believe, as a combo of mind, body and nature (some may say soul), working them out can be deeply challenging at times.

I found my lack of motivation for painting on canvas (something I once deeply loved) to be depressing or painful at one point in my life, until I came to better understand why this happened. Not sure if you can relate to the following:

MIND: I'd always associated painting with creativity, freedom, self expression, mental emotional joy and so on. It was a strong part of my identity, partly how I identified myself ('I am an artist')

BODY: It was an experience that I felt on a physically emotional level. The smell of the paint used to vibe me up. The sight of the colours used to get me excited. The feel of the brushes and the canvas used to give me a deep sense of connection to what I was doing. I felt joy through my body (a combo of happiness/peace). Happiness and peace can be felt emotions. Yes, hard to identify at first, I admit

NATURE: It is in our nature to seek happiness and peace, therefor we are typically drawn to those things that supply it (we associate or relate). But what if adventure is what we need (adding a venture), to give us a sense of happiness and peace. Going back to the same venture may not give us that vibe we're looking for. This can definitely feel painful. So, instead of drawing or painting what we're used to, we can express our self through significant changes or minor changes that reflect our evolving nature. 'I wonder what I could draw without thinking, as an exercise? I wonder what I could draw with different mediums? I wonder what it would be like to draw a nude model?' The reason I threw that last one in is because I personally found this to be an incredible experience. The form and shape, the nature of natural curves, the connection to such nature itself, the boundary crossed from the learned belief 'I shouldn't be 'perving' on a naked stranger' to 'The human form is so beautiful in its way'. It is a mind altering freeing experience and can be rather emotional.

In speaking of self sabotage, could the question be 'Am I sabotaging my naturally evolving self by trying to draw what I am used to drawing?' Just a thought.

Self questioning can be a confusing yet liberating journey at times, especially with us being very emotional creatures, on so many levels.

🙂