Defining self-worth

[PurpleOcean]

I can't seem to figure out how to define my self-worth outside of other people or other things. By myself, I keep feeling like I don't have any inherent worth. I constantly feel I need to achieve things, get things done, or be productive or helpful to other people to be deserving of love or even of life. Objectively, I know this is unhealthy because it makes me lose self-esteem and faith in myself pretty quickly whenever I inevitably trip up or don't excel at something. But for as long as I can remember, this has been how I define myself and understand my worth as a human being. I have never been taught to think about myself in any different way, and I have no idea where to start. I am always terrified of failure because of this, and each time I make a mistake I am extremely hard on myself, even while acknowledging this is unfair and not helpful. In a way, this makes it worse, because now I am hard on myself because I am hard on myself. It's a never-ending cycle that makes me exhausted. I hope someone out there can understand this and let me know I'm not going crazy.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'll try to draw parallels to my own lived experience, it might help.

Our childhood often has the key to many variants of low self esteem. Lack of praise is a major one as is lack of achievement, bullying abuse and so forth. Our childhood can have trauma that shapes our emotions for the worse, sometimes we learn them through psychiatric treatment, other times we know them.

Having said that we are left with permanent mental scarring and at the end of the day there can be denial or there can be insight leading to seeking help or even as little as enquiring like you have here that can allow some to be on their way to the future as being content enough.

So in many cases of lack of praise (a common one) we need to take the view that such scars wont ever be erased, we then go onto the next best thing- reducing the effects so we can exist within the boundaries of normality.  This coping is realistic, often achievable and sometimes carried out with research and a positive outlook depending on the severity.

Back in 1996 I went through a divorce, tried to cope with rejection, loss of full time fatherhood, dog, town etc. I faced a mirror every morning and aloud said "you are a good person, a good dad, you deserve love and care etc." After 3 months of that I began to believe it. Then I embarked on building my own home, then starting up my own business and so on. I became my own supporter. I drew upon positive thinking. My self worth grew from my own words and achievements.

You can read more in the first post of-

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[jaz28]

hi PurpleOcean,

sorry to hear you are going through this. i have been through something similar. have you ever heard of a people-pleaser? it's when a person has the tendency to put others' needs before their own. i will admit, i am a chronic people-pleaser, to the point where i have experienced burnout from committing to too many things so i don't let someone down. but doing this, i compromised my own self-care, and was exhausted 24/7. i still experience this a bit, but i recognise my people-pleasing tendency and i have started to put boundaries in place. it is hard to say "no" sometimes - i absolutely hate doing it. i can't bear the thought of letting someone down. maybe i have self-esteem issues, too - i don't know.

with that said, it is always important to look after yourself. you can't help anyone else when your own resources are depleted. i also have a chronic need to be productive and busy, and i thrive in that, so i can't help myself but say yes to most opportunities, but sometimes you have to say no because there is simply no more eggs left in your basket.

would you consider seeing a professional about this? maybe you can start by seeing your GP.

jaz xx

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi PurpleOcean, 

Good on you for recognising that your sense of worth comes from achievement and being productive. And it's great that you have the awareness to know that you being hard on yourself when you experience a failure, and then even more hard on yourself for being hard on yourself! It sounds like you may have a strong "inner critic". I am familiar with that cycle too. And yes, it is exhausting! No, you are not crazy. Just human.

I have done a bit of reading and research about self-compassion over the years.... some things I have learned may help you....

The "being hard on yourself" is the inner critic part of yourself. That's the part that criticises the part of you that is already hurting. The opposite (I like to call it the "antidote") of criticism is compassion & kindness. As humans, we find it so hard to be kind and compassionate and caring towards ourselves. It's much easier to be compassionate to someone else. Try this exercise: ask yourself, what would you say to a friend or loved one that was experiencing the same thing as you? Probably kind and caring words, not criticism, right? Then, try and say the same things to yourself. 

And then, the trick is to gradually learn to catch yourself falling into the "inner critic" mode, and then gently bringing in some self-compassion to turn it around. It's like a skill. It comes with practice over time. So, you notice the inner critic, "oh, there I am being hard on myself again", and then you gently bring in the compassion, "I'm going through a hard time right now, I need to go easy on myself..... etc....."  Self-kindness is so healing. So, you kinda bypass "self-worth" and go straight to compassion & kindness. And then, as the inner critic starts to quieten, it starts to break the cycle. Does that make sense? And then the sense of self-worth starts to grow.  

Tara Brach talks about compassion a lot, too, if you want to check out her meditations. 

And, the Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI) has some self-help worksheets on self-compassion too. They are called "from Self-Criticism to Self-Kindness".  Not sure what resources Beyond Blue has on the topic, but they may have something too.  

Sending lots of kindness your way, 

dig

[white knight]

Dig and Jaz

What high quality replies. 

My therapist in 1988 said "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world" and of course "charity begins at home "

TonyWK 

[quirkywords]

Purple ocean 

what an honest and thoughtful thread. You have encouraged very helpful comments.

How do you feel how people have replied.

There is a thread I started about How to tame your inner critic you may like to have a look at. 

[PurpleOcean]

I’ve definitely been dealing a lot with burnout, and have a hard time winding down/taking time to relax. I do say no to things I don’t want to do, but it’s difficult sometimes to figure out when is a good time to stop taking on more stuff. If my entire isn’t filled to the brim with tasks, I don’t feel productive. Then I tire myself out trying to keep up with my own to-do list.

[white knight]

I think there is justification for seeking a professional opinion.  

Prevention is better than cure. Absolutely.

[jaz28]

PurpleOcean,

Thank you for responding. i know how hard it is to know when you have taken on too many commitments, i struggle with that too. i think listening to your body is an important part. i relate to what you're saying a lot. just remember to add self-care to that to-do list!

jaz xx