Dealing with unhelpful behaviours & thoughts

[Elizabeth CP]

I tried writing this post yesterday but
lost it when I pressed post this thread it disappeared. I saw my
psychologist yesterday. After a discussion of several different
issues I mentioned having felt down for no apparent reason. He said
there is always a trigger so then started a discussion to discover
the trigger. The fairly calm normal consultation turned very
emotional with me feeling embarrassed, stupid guilty & really
upset. The psych was good trying to listen, encourage & support
me as I tried to sort out my thoughts.

The issue is that I try to fit in with
others even when it is not in my interests & wait for my husband
to offer to do things I want rather than even asking him. This leads
to me feeling stupid because I'm setting myself up to be disappointed
& get angry with my husband for not fitting in with my wishes
even though I haven't told him what I want. I know I'm being stupid
doing this but don't seem to have the motivation to change. I need to
be clear about what I want & be willing to be assertive in asking
for my wishes to be met.

The only reason I can think for this
issue is that I feel I don't deserve anything. I feel that noone
really likes me so I don't want to put pressure on others to fit in
with me. This is probably based on experiences as a child when I was
bullied badly leaving me with long standing self esteem issues.
Having had good parents just makes me feel like I have no excuse for
managing better as I don't have the excuse of a dysfunctional family.

Does anyone else have these issues &
how do you cope

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~

Do you mind if I offer a thought from the other side? You said

... wait for my husband to offer to do things I want rather than even asking him ...

which sets you up for a bad times when he doesn't do what you hope. I've had a mild form of that from one of my partners. I was expected to be a mind reader so as to know what to do, and then of course do it.

Could be something small, like making a cuppa, or something large like taking her out to a symphony.

Sounds silly? No it's not. My partner wanted confirmation of love and closeness, that I cared, that I saw and understood her. It might not have been the most logical way of doing it, and sometimes I only found out afterwards when she became upset.

My answer was just to try and show more love ( never did develop great psychic powers though occasionally I was on the right wavelength and knew what she wanted - and did it )

Do you think this might be a bit like what you were talking about or have I wandered off elsewhere?

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

You are right Croix. I guess the problem with asking for things is then I assume the person is doing what I ask out of duty rather than because they think I'm worth it. I know that I'm not being fair to myself or my husband. I need to work out ways to change my thinking so I can do what I know would be more sensible

[Jimny]

Hi Elizabeth,

Very impressive, it sounds like you have some insight about your communication difficulties.

I believe I have had a similar issue, but not exactly the same. I would often go along my partner's wishes/desires because I did not want to get them upset. However, I remained internally angry over some of their desires which I found hurtful. I did not properly communicate my feelings, and thus this resulted in me becoming very passive aggressive. Devastating for me, because I was cutting myself short of a voice, and hurtful to my partner who was being emotionally blocked.

Good communication appears to be quite a difficult thing master (I am definitely a work in progress!). I did end up getting some advice from therapists and encountered a couple of good books on the topic (Burns "Feel good handbook", and Hibbs "Try to see it my way"). Generally it takes two to tango when it comes to communication, so no one is entirely at fault. If you and your husband are so inclined, I recommend both of you read the chapter in Burn's book, or if you really want more psychological "meat" try Hibbs. A couple counselor's might also be another option to look at. Again, this is to address the more practical issue of communication, which could help with other issues that arise.

All the best.

[A2]

Dear Elizabeth,

I understand your position. I have slightly different circumstances. I have found it useful to try and separate myself of the expectations established through observing others. You mentioned that you did not have a dysfunctional family and therefore don't have an excuse. I really want to use a swear word here but I'll settle for why do you need to have had a dysfunctional family? I am learning (and it is a work in progress) not to base expectations for myself on my perception of others. I try not to say, "Oh, I should be able to x or y, I'm a capable adult and if that person can do it, then why can't I?" It only sets up a negative assessment - and therefore, if I can't do it, then there must be something wrong with me. Sometimes, the interesting question is actually, what do I want for myself? What are my expectations for me? It is important to also remember that the significant others in your life are not able to read minds. It can take incredible courage to ask for something (even a cuppa) - it feels selfish and embarrassing. I've also found that, sometimes, you need to ask more than once. I also don't think that they should know what I need because they love me. They are a different person, with different thought processes, needs and wants. Sometimes, it just takes a really honest conversation - short or long.