Dealing with a controlling other parent

[Stardust]

I have been with my partner for 11 years. He has a controlling x partner who he shares custody of kids with. 

The 13 year old does dance 9- 1 hour classes, the 15 year old does 3 drama classes and is working about 2 times a week. We have recently had to drop 1 class each due to the fact we cant get them there. We received a not so nice messages cause we should be able to because she can. We don't care about the kids and don't want them to be happy.

We are so proud of the 15 year old getting a job but she is controlling how he uses the money he earns. $180 in a weeks pay has been broken down to $20 to our house $40 to spend at her house and $120 to save for her house. ( big pay due to school holidays)   

They also have phones but she is using that now to control our weeks. She doesn't use them to communicate and say hi etc or anything that needs to be communicated she is using them to see what is going on at our house. ( she has a tracker also on the phone) so every time we leave the house there is questions about where we are going. oh your not going to school today? no the bus was just late. oh and it was great the day that we were making the 13 year old go to school when she didn't want to so her mother told her to go to school as normal on the bus so dad doesn't know and walk down to her work.  

That's just a brief on some of what's going on. I'm at a loss of what to do, i hate seeing the kids upset cause she is trying to control our weeks.  i know we don't know everything and are learning every day but does that mean she gets to make all the decisions for the kids cause i know no parent gets it all right, am i wrong in these thoughts?

She keeps all awards, trophies makes all the decisions, never lets us know of excursions, even the ones that fall on our week, don't know of doctors appointments etc not allowed to get there hair cut, not allowed to buy extra dance, drama uniforms for our week, kids don't tell us much cause they are scared of making her angry. We let it all go to save the kids cause when we were trying to fix it the kids were even more upset then they are now. cause she just keeps saying i do what i want and you will do what i want because that is co parenting.. I'm just so depressed not be able to just live our lives and it is ruining our relationship and i can't deal, these kids are my world to its bad enough to have to share kids for any parent let alone feel like we are being controlled all the time and cant live our lives because of it.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such and incredibly frustrating time in your life, understandably.

I'm wondering whether you could let her, to some degree, manage the business side of things and you and your partner manage the fun side of things. Kind of like if she wants to take care of the business of managing her son's income, the business of buying the dance and drama outfits, the business of haircuts and so on, so be it. If you want to manage adventures with the kids, sticking inspirational posters on their bedroom walls with them or decking out their bedrooms in some inspiring way, fun outings without their phones (trackers) and a whole stack of stuff that brings them joy, that could be your job. Even if they want to take on the identity of 'cyclist' or 'roller blader' or something else, all tools and outfits for those identities (stack hat, bike, roller blades, knee pads etc) stay at your place. With their supplies kept at your place, the kids have the freedom to be whoever or whatever they want to be, within reason, whenever they visit.

While I'm a mum to a guy who turns 19 tomorrow and a gal who's currently 21, they've both mentioned how they no longer get the trophies and awards to display that they used to get, when they were younger. Btw, my daughter did dancing for quite a number of years (an expensive passion, hey). With this in mind, I began to put different kinds of achievements up. There are photos (snippets of time) that serve as reminders of certain things they've managed to achieve in life. There are little mementos that mark occasions which lead them to feel a sense of progress, while also leading them to feel proud of themselves. Life's greatest achievements can happen off stage. While I admit trophies and medals do look impressive, sometimes it can also be about lining shelves with things that celebrate who our kids are in a variety of ways.

Of course, chances are that if your house becomes the fun house, this is going to put their mother's nose out of joint somewhat but technically she's left you with not choice. She won't let you and your partner manage the business side of things. What choice do you have, other than to have as much fun as possible, something that I imagine will prove good for the kids' mental, physical and soulful wellbeing. As far as excursion notices go and things like that, could you speak to the school about arranging email notification being sent to you? And when it comes to the $20 budget for spending, you could always say to that hard working 15yo you're proud of 'Don't worry, $20 is not going to stop us from having more than $20 worth of fun. We'll make up the difference'. Of course, nothing wrong with having to cut back on driving the kids somewhere. That's life, with its ever changing demands. Whether demands change due to time, finances or something else, the ability to adapt becomes a must.