Darkness of Depression

[angelite]

My g.p has told me l have depression, why is that so difficult for me to accept. I feel too broken to be fixed, unable to help myself anymore or believe that l deserve to be helped. I spend my days in the car the only place l feel safe away from the world. Through the fog and emptiness l watch myself slide into the deepest depression, consumed by hopelessness. Trying to find the strength to get help.

[Asche]

Karen, it's perfectly fine to feel that way. No war was ever won in a day. You may not have the strength today, or tomorrow, or even a month from now. And that's fine. Depression is a hell of a beast to conquer because it traps you in your most fragile and vulnerable state, where everything is terrifying and walking is borderline -if not entirely- impossible. You're constantly tired and without energy, sometimes so much so that you can't even bring yourself to cry. And it cuts you off from the people who could help you most, interring you behind an invisible wall and clogging your throat with the ashes of former hopes.

But that wall can be broken down. Not in a day, not in a week, sometimes not even in a year. It took me almost a decade before I could talk about my experiences online, let alone someone in real life. In fact, that's something I still struggle with. I can talk to my therapist perfectly fine; less so with the general populace. It's something you have to work at, because when the habit of silence has been engraved upon your soul by the shame you feel, getting that first word out is already a huge victory in and of itself. After that first spearhead has been established, after that habit has been broken, the wall can start to crumble. 

You might not be able to walk right now, but you can crawl. You're learning to find your voice again after years of silence. If you can crawl, if you can speak, even if it's only online, even if it's only in writing, then you can move forward, if only an inch or a millimeter at a time. And that's exactly what you have to do, because not moving means staying in the pit of depression. It means drowning in cold, desolate shadow that no warmth or light can penetrate. To move is to live, because moving means warmth, it means getting control of yourself back, if only a toe at a time. And if you move far enough, you might one day find yourself being able to see the light again.

You've made great start by joining beyondblue. I'm not going to pressure you to make that next step, but one of the things I found helpful in making that next leap a little less scary was writing an autobiography of sorts. Something that encapsulated the majority (but not all) of what happened to me, and of what I did in return. That way when I did eventually find myself forced into therapy by circumstances, I just handed that over because I was still too scared to speak in person.

[angelite]

Thank you for your kind words l wish l could express myself....having trouble just getting this down. All the answers are in the thread despair please care. In the trauma section. Please know that what you write means a great deal to me.... Sorry l can't find the words so shut down

Karen

[Asche]

Dear Karen,

Sure, I'll go take a look. It might take a little while though, since things are getting pretty hectic over the next few days.

Asche

[guest132]

Depression is definitely something that is rapidly getting worse in society. It can be hard for people to admit it, I know I am having some trouble seeing past it, but with everything going on in society and around me, things are getting tough, and I am finding that it is affecting me quite a lot, and with how I feel about some things, it is making it harder again, because I do want to try and hide it from people, but in all cases, you can't hide anything/everything forever. People who have never gone through depression find it hard to understand why it happens, and how it could affect one so much. I am struggling with multiple things at the stage in my young life, and I am trying to get enough support to find a way to feel better, and I just want to help others get better at the same time. So if you need to talk about anything, you can just let me know and I am willing to listen to what you have to say. 🙂

Jono.

[laura86]

Dearest Karen,

I'm wondering how you are doing today?

I really relate to how you feel. I too often just sit in my car away from the world, feeling like it will never get better. Please know that we won't give up on you. It is such a horrible feeling when it feels as though everyone has gone and put you in the "too hard basket." The people who post on here would never do that. We are all fighting together.

It is such a brave step to start posting on here. So whatever brought you to these forums I'm glad you're here.  You don't need to feel so desperately alone because we will help you. I know that's not going to solve all your problems but it's better than sitting under that dark cloud by yourself. 

Please let us know how you are- I really hope you're ok.

Laura

xx

[angelite]

Hi Laura. 

Having a lot of trouble getting words out my head is really foggy. It's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. I'm just so overwhelmed l know there are options being given to me but I'm just unable to reach out and help myself. A lot of what is being suggested requires being able to make a phone call, which is something l am unable to do. Everything just seems so difficult. Spending way too much time in the car just want to feel safe. Don't think it will ever be OK.

Karen

[laura86]

Hi Karen,

I know what you mean- depression seems like this endless fog and it is hard to imagine yourself ever feeling better. And we have all felt that or are even feeling like that right now. It's terrible having to wake up every day feeling that way- trust me I know! 

If you can't make a phone call there is live online help available through BB and other sites. I'm not sure what area you live in but there are community groups that get together to talk and support each other through depression and mental illness- you don't need to say anything, sometimes it's just nice to know you're not alone. And of course keep posting here. Get whatever words you can out and we'll help you however we can!

We are all thinking of you- you're not alone in this. 

Keep safe, know that I'm here whenever you need me. 

Much love always,

Laura

xx

[angelite]

Hi Laura

Its been an exhausting day made it to my psychologist appointment,  and managed a walk afterwards. Then spent the rest of the day in the car to recover. I'm from a country town and trying to hide what is happening to me so ashamed, l don't want people to talk about me they just don't understand, it not something l can just snap out of. I would prefer to be alone , I'm so afraid of people judging me.

[laura86]

Hi Karen,

I'm sorry your day was exhausting but it sounds like you accomplished some great things. How did your psychologist appointment go? I'm glad you were able to get out and go for a walk! Even if you spent the rest of the day in the car, it's a positive start. 

Please don't feel ashamed of your depression because it is an illness and it's not your fault. I know we all find it baffling that mental illness has this stigma attached that makes us feel so much shame. If we said we had something like cancer people would take us seriously and take care of us. Yet we have a legitimate illness with so many symptoms, that makes us so sick, that leads to so many people to taking their lives and we're made to feel like we're being dramatic, over reactors, too much to deal with. It's amazing! Even those people who say they would be there to help us no matter what seem to vanish when we need them the most. 

I guess that's why so many of us are here on these forums. To get help from each other without judgement. I find the people on BB to be so generous with their advice and concern, it does restore some hope back. I hope you know we are all here for you too.

I hope today is a wonderful day. Speak soon.

Laura

xx

[angelite]

Hi Laura.

Psychologist appointment want OK she has put safety measures in place, l am finding them difficult, feel like I'm being treated like a child. I also really struggling with flashbacks, and anxiety l have a note book that l take with me with grounding techniques, positive affimations, to try and help me stay in the present. Not helping today though.... The psychologist spoke to me about hospital but l told her I was fine and managing the thoughts. Upset that l couldn't be honest with her. Spending 24 years pretending that everything was OK,  I'm still doing it.

Karen