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Darkness of Depression
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Dear Wittnall,
I've felt that way in the past as well. I know how it feels to have everything fall away around you, to watch everything you used to care about pass you by, to have the grains of sand slip through your fingers and not even finding the energy to care, while some past remnant of yourself cries out for you to do something, anything at all to stop that terrible descent.
I think ultimately, what helped me out of that bottomless pit was finding something I could continue to care about, even while I no longer cared about myself. I have no idea what that might mean for you, or even if it will work for you. But I think the important thing is finding a little bit of hope, because that will give you a sense of purpose, a reason to fight. It may even make you want to fight. Not necessarily hope for yourself, because at that stage, that hope can be altogether too fragile to be trusted, but a little faith in others. It'll give you a sense of purpose, and motivate you to keep moving, to fight the paralysis of depression. And the more you move, the more you do, the stupor lifts a little more.
I'm not quite at the end of the tunnel yet, but I can at least see the light now. Hopefully, you will in time too.
Kind Regards,
Asche
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Hi Wittnall,
That's a dark and scary place to be in. I'm glad you've been to your GP, but I wonder if he/she has given you a treatment plan and not just a diagnosis? There are good treatments that help most people; the most common (and generally best) approach uses antidepressants together with cognitive behaviour therapy with a psychologist. I don't know if your GP explained it, but Medicare funds 10 visits to a psychologist when your GP refers you with a mental health plan.
A lot of people have reservations about antidepressants, but they are nothing to be scared of. Essentially they correct an imbalance of brain chemicals that is making you depressed, helping you to feel more normal. This then puts you into a better frame of mind to be able to make use of the skills and techniques the psychologist can teach you. The two therapies work hand in hand. Please be sure to see your GP again soon, especially if you are really struggling.
It sounds like you are fairly new to your diagnosis and probably haven't had any treatments before. I won't lie to you, making progress will be slow; often it takes several tries to find the right meds for you and all the waiting can be really frustrating. But it's better than the alternative - if you do nothing, nothing will change. Finding the strength to take the first step of the journey can be the hardest, but just take one step at a time and don't try to look too far ahead. Acceot that along with progress there will be setbacks along the way - they can be learning opportunities for us to put into practice our new skills we are learning.
Don't hesitate to come back here whenever and as often as you like for support or just to vent. That's what we're here for.
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Hi Wittnall,
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I too understand what you are going through. I still feel like this some days but I have to have hope for my unborn child! It can be hard to find hope...but it help when you have people around you to support you. If you have someone close to you then be honest with them and ask them to support you through this dark time. It is very hard to get help when you're depressed but all you have to do is take the first step, which you have done. What has your GP recommended? You may benefit from medication, or you might be like me! But you may also benefit from therapy...your GP can help you with these things. I think it's extremely important to have a good GP at this time. And if you don't feel comfortable with a Dr/psychologist or whoever, you should change because it's important to build a good relationship with them.
I know that it is possible to get better...but it's so hard sometimes to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That's why we need to just focus on the next step...just making it through one day at a time and slowly improving.
I hope you are able to find the strength to accept this and focus on getting better, because you deserve to be happy just like everyone else. There is hope, hold on.
SLK
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Hi Wittnall
Although I have never been physically abused, I spent two years in a relationship (first ever relationship) with a narcissistic, controlling, heartless, emotional abuser. Although he never physically hurt me, he damaged me in a way that I am still recovering from. So, although this was only for two years, I understand how damaging it can be to be in any kind of abusive relationship. In saying that, I cannot imagine your pain after being with this person for such a long time. I can see now why you are struggling so much and cannot find the strength and hope that you need at this time.
I am sorry that you feel you have no one to support you at this time. I think it is good to talk about your problems on this website; I have only recently joined myself and find it really helpful to talk to other people who I know understand my pain.
All I can say is, after what you have been through, there is no surprise that you are experiencing severe depression and anxiety. Do no think that you deserve this or that you are not good enough, that is not true. Unfortunately there are bad people in this world and sometimes we fall victim to them. I'm not saying that we shouldn't take responsibility for our own decisions, but it doesn't make us bad people because we made the mistake of trusting someone who abused us.
I still think there is absolutely hope for you, but it is a slow process. It sounds like you are feeling a little fragile at the moment and this is why I think a good GP is so important. A good GP who understands mental health, will ensure that you are getting as much support as possible in the community. I think it is important for you to start some kind of treatment ASAP...I'm sure that medications will be offered to you. As someone already said, they work for a lot of people, but they can also be the cause of anxiety for some due to side effects and trouble taking them consistently. The hardest thing is being consistent with them long enough to give them a chance to work (usually around six weeks). It can feel like they aren't working and it's important to have a community psychologist or your GP following up with you to discuss how the meds are going and any side effects. If you decide not to take medication then please ask your GP about other treatment options. It's important that you do something soon, as you do not deserve to feel this way. You have suffered for a long time and it's now your time to find happiness xx
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My god, I'm so, so sorry I didn't see this earlier. Wittnall, you are absolutely deserving of help and I have definitely not given up on you. I have hope in you. I might just be another faceless stranger on the internet and I may be 2 days and 6 hours late, but I do care. You might not feel it, but you are so much stronger than you think you are and the fact that you're still here despite everything that's happened, is proof of that. I can't speak to have experienced that sort of abuse personally, but I have a friend who has. I've stood at her side during those dark hours, so I know how excruciating it can be. You might hate it for all the pain it causes you but you are still alive, and that is because you are strong. Not in the type of way that wins you arm-wrestling competitions, but you have the strength that matters, the strength to do what needs to be done, to survive no matter the adversity. And I'm willing to bank everything I have that you are strong enough to get past all of this, because you are far from worthless, and anything but pathetic. If you won't hope in yourself, then have faith in me, as someone who holds hope in you.
So don't beat yourself up. There's no shame in being scared about change, even if that change is for the better. Going on medication can be scary. It can be terrifying. It means letting go of a little control, and as someone who was and is a bit of a control freak, who's been terrified of change in the past, I can understand perfectly as to how that can be paralysing to do that, even if it's in the name of helping yourself. There is no shame in it. You need to take things at a pace you can handle, and your doctor needs to understand that. He's frustrated because he wants you to get better and he can only give you the medication to do that; if you refuse to take it, he's out of options. It's still way, way, way out of line to tell you that you're wasting his time, but I doubt he truly meant that, and in any case he's wrong.
Have you considered going to a psychologist? If drugs are a little too much right now, some talk-based therapy might be a good alternative to consider.
I'm sorry I didn't get back to earlier. Things can get better wittnall, and not just in general- you can get better.
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Karen
