Conversations - I can't find acceptable answers

[Phoenix_]

I’ve been struggling with depression for several years. My husband walked out, I got retrenched, and I moved to a country town 3 years ago for financial reasons. I’ve tried hard to join up and meet people, and many people tell me I’m kind, funny and helpful; but I keep getting new rejections, so it’s getting harder to maintain that façade. There are 3-4 people I’m on friendly terms with, but they already have busy lives. I’m alone most of the time, or at best alone –in-a-crowd.

Conversations are becoming impossible because everyone asks polite, friendly questions that I’m unable to give a socially-acceptable answer to.
“How are you?”.
I should say “Good thanks!”, but that lie is becoming too difficult; the real answer is “I’m so depressed I can hardly stand upright”, but it’s a poor response to dump on most people. Is there an alternative?
Then there’s: “Do you work, are you retired?” I’m unemployable, I’m supposed to do “volunteer” work for the dole but I got bullied at the last place, and they asked me to leave because I got upset about it. TMI.
“What have you been doing lately?” Sleeping half the day, struggling to focus on anything the rest of the time. That’s a conversation-killer too.
“Do you have any holidays planned?” No, Centrelink doesn’t let me have holidays, and I’m too weary to enjoy solo travel anyway.

And if they talk about themselves, it always seems to touch on my own losses: they talk about their great marriage, their career, their holiday; or they grizzle about dole bludgers who should be drug-tested. One person (I thought she was my oldest friend) has started telling me to be grateful for what I have, because everyone has problems, and other people have it worse. Probably true, but no longer helpful, and it feels like another rejection.

Being so alone is half my problem, but talking to people is the other half, in all sorts of ways. I feel stuck. Is there any answer?

[MsPurple]

Hi Phoenix and welcome to the forums

Sorry to hear you are struggling with depressing. It sounds like the low moods and possibly low self confidence is affecting you ability to converse with new people. It can be stressful trying to make new friends or bring up a conversation with someone you don't already know. I have some suggestions for answers below however please note these are my suggestions and others may have a different oppinion

-Q 'how are you?' A I'm pretty good thanks, how about yourself. Yes it may seem fake but sometimes just saying good when you first meet someone is the easist way. If it is someone you know well it is easier to be more open

-Q Do you work? A I'm in between jobs at the moment. Still looking for something right. It is up to you whether you want to volunteer or not.

-Q what have you been doing lately A it is ok to be honest. Maybe add in other things then depression related. Could be something like walking the dog, going out for dinners, looking for jobs anything. I do sometimes say, not much or same ol same ol

-Q have you got any holidays booked A not at the moment. I am saving up for a holiday. I would like to go to X one day.

I know a lot of them are qliche but they are rough estimates. I know how it feels to be at a different stage in life then you'd like to be in. I expected to be working full time in my career job, start saving up for a holiday or house and have a partner, but life doesn't always meet expectation. We sometimes just have to do the best with what we have. I am happy but I am not where I expected to be and thats ok. I try make small achievable goals.

Hope this helps

MP

[Phoenix_]

Thankyou MsPurple. A lot of what you have suggested is exactly what I would normally say, if I was well enough to say it or to be doing those things. I'm in too much emotional pain to pretend that I'm "pretty good", I get sort of paralysed not being able to get the words out.

And sadly my employment days are probably over. In my thirties I studied for 6 years part-time to get a degree and a career, but now there are no more jobs in my field, and no jobs at all where I'm living now. At my age (59), Centrelink doesn't require me to look for work to be eligible for newstart: I can fulfil my "requirements" by doing approved volunteer work for 15 hours every week. If I don't do it, I don't get the payment; I'm not eligible for any holidays until I reach retirement age at 67 (except I'm on sick leave until September, then I have to be well again). If I tell people I'm between jobs they will ask what I do, what I'm looking for, and the answer is nothing.

I had a marriage for twenty years; I had a career; I had friends and family and a purpose in life; I worked full-time,and was not sneered at for being broke,and a Leaner. Now mostly all I can do is sleep, or drag myself around struggling to focus on anything. The struggle to find anything cheerful to talk about is so difficult it just depresses me even more, that I have gotten to such a pathetic place. I have spent the last 3 years trying to turn the losses around, but there are more and more losses to deal with. It's getting too hard alone, and there are so few people I know well enough to get any level of support from.