Feeling like a failure.

[blu_]

Hi everyone. This is my first post (I think...maybe I introduced myself some months ago?). I'm feeling pretty awful about myself, which is what has prompted me to get on here.

I'm in my final semester of my second undergraduate degree. I'm 32 years old and haven't achieved anything in terms of a career or vocation. This degree was meant to be my 'second chance' for myself. Well...I've made a pretty terrible mess of it. I've realised I'm going to have to defer this semester because my project is going nowhere. I feel so totally inadequate next to my class mates, most of whom are a about a decade younger than me. They are so confident and clever and creative and I...just feel so stunted compared to them. I've spent the past five years - time that I wanted to dedicate to developing a fulfilling job path for myself - in a depressive fog. I made some feeble attempts to help myself but never followed through. Basically; I feel like a total failure, like I will just keep effing things up for myself time and time again.

I do understand why I struggle. My father was very abusive. Most of it was emotional, some of it was physical, and I was always terrified of him. He was constantly berating me, telling me I was useless and stupid. Or acting as though I didn't exist. I think that many of the people I compare myself to have had much healthier upbringings (based on what they say about their relationships with their parents). But I can't help but feel very defective compared to them. And this is what is causing me the most distress at the moment; I see them accomplishing things that I would like to, but it feels so out of my reach because I don't feel worthy or deserving, and I believe I will never feel that way because of how I was treated in childhood. So I am feeling quite hopeless and 'what's the point' about a lot of things.

I am seeing a psychologist (through my university) but I have been holding back in telling him what I am really thinking and feeling because I am a bit afraid he will somehow confirm that I am 'defective'.

Thanks to those who have taken the time to read this. X

[BballJ]

Hi blu_,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I know you said you may have posted a while back but according to your profile it says 1 post so I will act as if this is the first time you have posted. Well done for sharing your story and seeking help

Sorry to read however of the situation you feel you are in, I think firstly you deserve a heck of a lot of credit for continuing to push through with your studies. Many people possibly would of given up but you haven't and there is also no harm is deferring uni if it is required. I know many people who have started studying in their late 20's/early 30's it is very common and nothing to be ashamed of. I understand it can be quite intimidating that your classmates are younger but you deserve to be there just as much as they do.

The childhood issues are something that needs to be addressed which is good you are trying to do that through here and through the university psychologist. When you say you are holding back in telling him things, do you not feel 100% comfortable with him..., when I went to get a referral to my first psychologist, the GP said to me that finding the right psychologist is like finding a good friend, you may not click with the first one you meet but when you do you will know.... I think you know when you feel you can talk to them like a friend rather than as a psychologist. Holding things back only hurts your recovery and being open and honest can really help you long term. I understand you are afraid that he may confirm things you don't want confirmed but even if he does... then you can work on way together to move on from those feelings. My suggestion is if you don't feel 100% comfortable talking to him, maybe going to see your local GP and asking about a mental health care plan and seeing if you are eligible for it to see another psychologist?

You sound very smart and I believe you are very deserving of everything you want.

Please remember you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are going through.

My best for you,

Jay

[blu_]

Thank you for your thoughtful response Jay.

I do feel quite comfortable with my uni psychologist. I think I am holding back because I feel like I should be discussing things that relate more directly with my academic performance. He hasn't done anything to make me feel that way, but because it is in that context (on campus) and I know that the objective of the university is to try and prevent people from failing and dropping out, and I know their resources are very stretched. I guess it feels inappropriate for me to discuss anything else in depth, even though I know it does affect my studies.

I do need to discuss all this with my GP. I've just been in a massive amount of denial about all. I think through spending time with my classmates, and other friends, I have realised that I real do struggle quite hard. I'm just in survival mode all the time.

[BballJ]

Hi blu_,

I understand what you are saying, it can be hard going into personal stuff when it would feel like the psychologist is there for an academic support. I am sure they would help with the personal stuff too but I may be also good to have that outside opinion of a psychologist recommended by your local GP. I understand the denial as well, and not wanting to get any sort of diagnosis of a mental health issue. I was diagnosed with anxiety and initially it shook me but it actually made a lot of sense after a while and I find once you know what you have it helps with recovery and learn how to live and deal with the issue.

You already are doing so great reaching out for help so please keep it up.

My best,

Jay

[MsPurple]

Hi blue_. thanks for sharing on the BB forums. Jay has given you some great advice. Isn't he a gem.

One other thing I thought I should add in is information on disability services. Those with a diagnosed mental illness are eligible to join. I joined in my final semester of uni too. They can offer you support and help you achiedemically (for example: extensions, different exam conditions etc). Every uni has one. I would search for it on your university website and give them a call up. I was glad I joined because I had that extra security and felt like the university was on my side. I didn't need an extension or anything however it was a great support.

When I was at uni I was quiet stressed about uni. I did discuss it a little bit with my therapist but it wasn't the main focus of our sessions. He wanted to deal with the underlying cause of my GAD and the factors that made it flair up. I found there were other things that made it worse as well and we dealt with that. Maybe that is what your psychologist is trying to do. It is ok to go into a session and say, I'm really stressed about uni can we please talk about that and strategies on how to deal with it.

hope this helps

MP