Constant failure

[MissJ94]

I truly feel like im on a forever path of constant failures.

I recently resigned from my job because i had been harrassed and stalked and management werent willing to move that staff member to different days or shifts and expected me to still work with him as though nothing happened. Ive been harassed and abused before and just couldnt stay there any longer. It had got to the point i was self harming again out of fear of going back there, i was an utter mess in my last weeks there. I still havent found a new job!

My mental health seems to be a constant battle. I have bipolar, depression, anxiety. I take medication for the bipolar and sure it mostly keeps me balanced, i still feel anxious and depressed often. The brain fog caused by the medication too is annoying! I feel like im constantly tired and exhausted because of it but if i dont take it i cant sleep for days. Takes me a few hours after waking up to even get some sort of energy to do something.

Now that im out of work and home all day i just have no motivation at all to do anything. I want to get some exercise, i want to continue learning Japanese, i want to continue learning piano and theres really no excuse i cant do those things except that i have no motivation to do it.

Im just reading comics online most of the day wishing i were the characters im reading about, wishing my life was stable, wishing i was normal and could do things that everyone else seems to be able to do with little to no issue. Like working full-time, having a long term job at the one place, having a relationship.

I do have someone ive been talking to for about a year now but due to covid and lockdowns we have only been able to meet face to face once. We talk constantly but it makes me wonder where we would be if covid wasnt around. At times i feel massive jealousy if hes replying to comments to other women on a post he makes (all have been married or taken women so far but still!). At times i wish i could just go over to his or him come to mine just to hang out even, completely ignore the restrictions. At times i just feel like i want to be held by him. Ive never had a dating experience like this and almost makes me feel ill loose my chances at somepoint because we cant see each other atm.

Things are seeming so impossible all the time!

[Sophie_M]

Hey MissJ94, 

Thanks for posting on the forums tonight and sharing what you are going through. From your previous post about your job it sounded like it was a terrible situation for you and we're so sorry the management turned a blind eye to it. Also, we're really sorry to hear you were self-harming to cope with the distress.

We are very proud of you for taking the brave step of leaving a toxic situation. We hope you can reach out to find additional support to process all that has happened with this situation. We'd really encourage you to call 1800RESPECT to talk to a caring counsellor about this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

These are very challenging times and it's understandable you are wondering how things would be with the person you're seeing if you could see each other more regularly. Again, talking to a counselor would be quite useful to come up with strategies when you're feeling anxious about this or anything else.

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You are not alone and we are here to help you. Please keep in touch with the community and let us know how you're doing, whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello MissJ, and a warm welcome and so sorry that you have been picked on with your previous job and if you have been able to report this with your doctor then you can go press this https://humanrights.gov.au and file a report, remember if this person has done it to you, then the chances it's been done to other people and will continue until something is done.

Having these lockdowns has certainly deflated people's spirits, let alone motivation and once this does happen then it's not easy to get going again, something the government doesn't realise.

Let's hope wherever you live that you will be able to start and bring the spark back by actually seeing this person you're fond of.

Please let us know about what I've discussed, so we can continue this conversation.

Many thanks.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi MissJ94

I find you to be a truly amazing person, I really do. You are incredible in the way you have managed everything that's sabotaged your efforts.

When it comes to your old workplace, first thing that comes to mind is 'What a lazy bunch of people!' They'd much rather you deal with the obvious problem than them having to work out what makes the healthiest workplace environment for all. They've kept employed the person who will go on to most likely make another woman's life a living hell.

When it comes to whoever put you on the meds you're struggling with, what is their story? You deserve much better than to be basically functional. They're ignorant if they're ignoring the need to put you on a different med. If it's a matter of they just don't know you're experiencing these side effects, it's definitely something you need to mention. Adding external chemistry (in a med) to your own internal chemistry should produce a positive chemical reaction not a negative one.

Lock downs, hmm. I live in Melbourne and it's almost intolerable, when it comes to certain mental health challenges that ongoing lock downs present. I'm all for constructive lock downs. It's the destructive type that trigger me, in more ways than one. As I watch more and more people break the rules of lock down, I know some of them are basically arrogant, selfish and thoughtless whereas others just can't tolerate the mental anguish anymore. While the purpose of these lock downs is, of course, to save lives based on the physical threat of COVID, the question remains for some 'Are these lock downs worth dying for?' as their depression worsens. For some, who have broken the rules, the answer is 'No'. Such people have broken the rules to save their life. I feel this is something the Victorian government is gradually coming to acknowledge. Took 'em a while.

The reason I find you so amazing is based on the fact that you have succeeded in managing every oppressive and depressing action of the people around you. Their 'management strategies' are seriously lacking in positive strategy. It is their lack of management skills that should be questioned.

It was some years ago where I recall waking up out of depression to find that it was the people around me who were somewhat insane. This proved to be a grounding exercise when it came to recognising the extent of my own inner sanity. What I'd been dealing with for all those years (in depression) was naturally depressing and that was what I was feeling.

[quirkywords]

MissJ94

Thanks for sharing your post.

I too see you as a very determined and focused person. I am sorry management at your work were not supportive.

Lockdown is hard ahen starting a relationship. I am glad you can communicate but realize it would be frustrating.

I have bipolar and can relate to brain fog and being exhausted,.There is a thread in staying well This bipolar life which is a supportive and friendly place where you can read and or post. You are most welcome to pop in and have browse.