Complicated Postnatal

[Kid_in_denial]

Hi.

12 months ago I was diagnosed with Postnatal Anxiety. Started out as sleep deprivation. Was probably averaging 2-3 hours a night. Didn't matter if baby was asleep, I couldn't sleep. Anyway, this all came up at 6 week postnatal checkup. From here I was poorly managed. I told the GP I wasn't coping and the GP wanted me to wait a week to speak to a MH nurse. Ended up back at the GP the next day begging for help. They were insistent on me trying particular class of antidepressant (which I had previous manic episodes on) and benzodiazepines so I could continue to breastfeed. No matter how hard I insisted I would stop breastfeeding regardless of the medication given, the GP would not prescribe the medication I usually take for previous MH issues.

Well no surprises what happened next..... I had a manic episode. Psychotic I would call it. I was paranoid, I had auditory hallucinations, I kept thinking my baby was sick. I feel like I had taken a handful of amphetamines along with some hallucinogenics. I ceased the anti depressant after 5 days and continued to take the benzo - taking large amounts just to feel like I had my feet on the ground.

After a wash out period the doc allowed me to take the antidepressant which I had first requested. They also allowed me to change to a longer acting benzo while the new meds settled. Well this proved problematic. I developed some dental and neck issues and was placed on opioid medications. Well you can probably guess how that turned out.

Fast forward 12 months and I have just self detoxed off 9 months of opioid abuse. I was left in the dark by my GP and also forced to go into withdrawal of benzodiazepines cold turkey. A week later I consulted a drug and alcohol doctor who put me straight back on the benzos and we are now doind a very slow taper.

I have never felt so depressed in all of my life. My mood ranges from low to nothing. I see my psychologist once a week and also the D&A doc. I no longer have the support of a psychiatrist as they were seen via telehealth at the GP office where I am no longer a patient. Where I live a bulk billed psychiatrist is a fair way away.

I am now pretty certain that my depression is no longer from the postnatal issues, but from the prescription medications.

How do you motivate the unmotivated? Someone who knows what they should be doing to get better but can't get up and do it. Someone tell me it gets better?!

[JessF]

Hello Kid In Denial,

Welcome and what a nightmare rollercoaster you have been on with all those medications. It's so frustrating when you reach out for help and are not listened to. We are the best experts on ourselves, and it's saddening that the various doctors you were seeing were not able to help you manage these symptoms before things got totally out of control.

The good news is that you're through the eye of the storm now, and seem to have some good medical supports. How are you doing with your baby now?

A bit like after a tornado passes through, you now are left with the wreckage and picking up the pieces. Things always look the worst right after the event has occurred, but eventually things do get better, bit by bit.

Depression does sap motivation, which means you do less, which means you withdraw, which makes you more depressed. So the best way I have found in coping with low perioids is to 'fake it till you make it'. I don't mean tell people you're happy when you're not, I mean keeping your routine as stable and normal as possible and keep doing things which support a healthy body and mind. Regular exercise, eating well, sleeping well and at regular times (baby permitting of course - what support do you have with looking after bubs?), and keeping up social connections with friends and family. How well do you think you're doing on those fronts? Please post again.

[Kid_in_denial]

Thanks for your response, JessF.

A rollercoaster indeed. I have always had issues with chemical imbalance - without formal diagnosis, so I have been pretty good at listening to my body and knowing when to change things up or seek help. Words like "bipolar" and "OCD" have been thrown around but a label has never stuck. I have also never seen a psychiatrist until the PND diagnosis so who knows what will come of that. Usually I would see my GP (which I have never had a regular one) and be put on AntiDs for a while then wean myself off when the dust settles. Has worked well in the past - aside from the SSRI medications (this is where the bipolar gets a mention).

This was baby number 3, so I am not new to the game. Reflecting now I would say I have definite issues with chemical imbalance post birth. I would never say I had been depressed in my life before the last few months though. Difference with this baby is that there is a large gap in between this and the last and a change in family dynamic. I came from an 11 year long abusive relationship to being single and very independent for 3 years and then meeting father of baby number 3. He is a wonderful support but he is not at all experienced with children or really even responsibility. His family live a long way away and my family, who are close, have a whole lot of their own issues going on at the moment. My mother did help me through my detox though.

Getting over the opioids I felt like I was really winning. I went through hell. Did it all at home without medical assistance (not by choice but by lack of resources and stubbornness). I was so focused on all the painful withdrawal symptoms that I assumed they were from both opioids and benzos until the opioids were out and the delayed benzo withdrawal kicked in. The D&A doctor was appalled that I had been left in the dark like that. Thankfully they were willing to help me but I so badly hoped I wouldn't have to start meds again because I felt like I had come so far and the worst was over (until reading about benzo withdrawal).

At the moment I am not coping as well as I should be. I cannot focus and I have a memory like a sieve. Baby has done brilliantly the entire time. Is a pretty easy baby and has been fortunate enough to have a dad and siblings to bond with these last few months. Prior to the depression setting in I was leading a pretty normal life and we were getting out and about but I was medicated.

[Kid_in_denial]

And no I am not fulfilling any social or family commitments. I can barely drag myself from the bed to the lounge. My partner is going to end up losing his job because he is too scared to leave me here alone to cope with the kids.

[JessF]

Hello Kid In Denial, I'm even more in admiration of how strong you are after reading your latest post. You have overcome so much. It sounds like even though your partner isn't expericned with kids, he very much wants to help and is concerned that you don't have enough support at the moment to cope. You mentioned that your mother was very supportive when you were going through the detox. I understand that you're not wanting to burden your family when they have their own issues, but what about something small, like your mum taking care of the kids for a few hours once a week so you and your partner can get out of the house and spend a bit of time together?

[Kid_in_denial]

Hi JessF

I am very lucky to have the partner that I do. My mother was supportive through the detox but this is because it was more like a physical illness that she could understand. She has no real insight into any mental illness. I am in the process of getting a formal diagnosis for my issues as they have been ongoing since I was a child and I am well into my 30s now. So asking Mum to help is a little more of a burden to add to my list. While she means well her approach is get up and get on with it. She does not understand that it takes baby steps.

The weaning off the medication is going well and I was feeling better. I went out and socialised with my friends and I initiated it myself. Then on Sunday night a friend passed away. He was only young and had a very aggressive cancer that took his life within a few months from diagnosis. We weren't very close but his wife and I are very close friends so I am really hurting over this now. I know with death comes grief but I am not sure if my feelings are those of pain for my friends or an exacerbation of my own mental state.

Last week I was up getting kids ready for school and doing something little everyday to feel like I had accomplished something and now I am back to sitting in my pjs on the lounge, unable to shake this weight off my shoulders. My heart is heavy, my head is heavy and my legs feel like they cannot carry me. I have to pull it together to get to the funeral.

I feel like I just desperately need someone to talk to and to be here with me but there is not really anyone I would want to ask to do that. My baby is into EVERYTHING and climbing etc and the big kids fight one and other- so it just adds to the stress. I don't have another psychologist appointment until next week and I really just need some sort of intensive outpatient support which I just cannot get here. I've been referred on to a new GP but that appointment is a week away also and I just feel really unsupported professionally and when I am on my own at home.

[Ken1]

Hey Kid_in_denial,

I really empathise with your feelings of just wanting someone to talk to! Depression can be so debilitating and isolating and especially when you feel like all you can do is sit in your PJs on the lounge.

Have you considered utilising an online or over the phone counselling service until your appointments next week? Beyondblue offers online and over the phone support - see https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

There are also a heap of other services available that are easy to find through Google. You may find that this helps you with coping with the right now and gives you someone to talk to and help you while you wait for your appointments next week.

Hope this helps you.

Bonnie x