Complaining about me and my mum's relationship with my toxic older sister

Guest_8384 · ‎07-09-2019

I know I'm going to sound petty and pathetic but I have been feeling moody and very distressed for almost two weeks. I find myself feeling anxious, getting stomach cramps and headaches and feeling like I'm going to cry every few minutes.

After my sister's behaviour got worse, my mum and I decided to cut ties with her. Yet a few days later my mum decided to rebuild the relationship with her again. She (my sister) has been dishonest and always made excuses for a very long period of time and has made me lose complete trust towards her and other people. I even find myself doubting my mum even though she's always been loyal, truthful and supportive of me and my wellbeing as well as my closest friends. Even when my mum talks to her on the phone and she (my sister) says hello to me, I feel cold when I reply to her.

I feel so conflicted because I don't want to deny my nephew of seeing his aunt (me) yet I don't feel like I can cope with rebuilding my relationship with my sister again. I'm trying to focus on my current training to become a teacher so that I can move on. Yet I feel worried that I may get to a stage that I may have to face her and that I'm going to lash out at her for the betrayal and hurt that she has caused me and mum.

I know that there's no solution for my problems. My mum says that seeking counselling won't help with my problems and I am hesitant to talk to my friends because I don't want to burden them.

I don't know what to do anymore :'(

paddyanne · ‎07-09-2019

Dear Amii93. You don't mention how your sister's behavior has worsened, just that it has. What is she doing that's so disruptive? Is your sister making up nasty stories concerning past family issues? Have you tried talking one on one to your sister about your feelings towards her? Have you considered asking your Dr about counselling to see if your relationship can be salvaged. Family counselling can be arranged through BB or asking for a referral to a counsellor through your Dr. Also a councilor who isn't part of the family network often sees things more detached where friends and family can be slightly biased. It could be the stomach cramps and mood swings you describe are part of depression. Depression from family problems are more distressing because it IS family, not acquaintances. No-one wants to fall out with family, unless it is unavoidable. You mention not wanting to hurt your nephew with this continuing feud. Maybe consider emailing BB or ask your Dr for a referral to a counsellor.

Guest_8384 · ‎07-09-2019

Dear paddyanne, thank you for your reply.

She's always been like that since primary school. She would always cause trouble between classmates and then play victim whenever she got into trouble. Throughout high school and later years, we seldom got along with each other. We would constantly scream, swear and hit each other and it would result in me slamming my bedroom door and continuously crying. When my mum would ask why it happened, she (my sister) would end up blaming me.

She would also make up nasty stories about her relationship with my mum and how she (my mum) was abusing her and constantly stressing her out. She (my sister) continued to call her names before and after she got married to please her husband and father, betrayed us by taking advantage of our money and tried to turn us against each mother multiple times which affected my ability to focus on my studies at uni. This resulted in her late father and in-laws saying nastier things: they would say that my mum was a homewrecker and that she was seeing other men behind her husband's (my later father) back.

When my late father kicked me and my mum out, we had trouble with living in our new home emotionally and financially. Even though we helped her a lot when she had issues with money, she would say that she doesn't have money to help us with our rent in our new home, that we stole her clothes and that all the drama was our fault.

She would even scream at her son if he did naughty things or had temper tantrums (mainly because he wanted her to spend time with him and she would always play on her phone instead). She would always place him in his cot, close his bedroom door and leave him to scream and cry. I have tried to talk to her one-on-one and my mum did too about how hurtful and disrespectful her behaviour is and that she's not being a good mother. Yet she would say "Stop stressing me out. I'm struggling to raise my son by myself" and that we're the ones making her behave aggressively.

Although she would insist that she is happy in her new home with her son, she had been frequently spending time with her husband who would constantly beat her, call her names and kicked her out of their house multiple times. Even though we warned her about what could happen to her, she would insist that he didn't hurt her and that it was her in-laws who were abusing her.

I don't want to constantly wait for her to change because she always insists that she's right and we're in the wrong.

paddyanne · ‎08-09-2019

Hi Amii93. I'm sorry your sister is causing so much stress and tension within the family unit. Your brother in-law's treatment of her is adding to her stress. It seems she is reaching out for help, but denying it when it's offered. It's possible she doesn't really know why she is behaving this way, but she's on an emotional roller coaster and is unable to stop because she can't. To make up stories re: her home life tells me she doesn't want to invite people to visit in case her lies are discovered and she winds up alone. Her husband's treatment is totally unacceptable, she is a grown woman and has the right to be treated as such. Can you approach your brother in-law one on one and discuss the best cause of treatment for her. Maybe discuss with your family Dr who may or may not be aware of these outbursts. I'm concerned about her son who is subject to this constant display. His welfare is paramount and her abuse to him is a concern. I get the feeling her husband is trying to punish her for the abuse towards her son. Perhaps he feels if she persists in behaving like a child, the treatment should fit the behavior. This is a merry-go-round and needs attention. A trained family counselor could help with the behavior, but arranging this without further resentment from your sister isn't going to be easy. Try having a talk with your brother in-law one on one and see if he's open to counseling. If he's genuinely interested in helping settle your sister and working with you in establishing a caring relationship, he will jump at the chance. Counseling can be scary and sometimes confrontational, but encouraging her to accept help and no judgement might help clarify her fears of how she sees herself. Her violence and temper could well be depression but instead of creeping into a shell, she's lashing out. Depression can cause volatile outbursts if the sufferer feels targeted.