Can't take much more of this...

[SilverLight]

Bit of backstory: I have a very small, very close family. My only uncle is currently fighting stage 4 brain cancer and no matter what they do he's terminal. My mum is his next of kin because he is also divorced. She is falling apart because if it all. She is so depressed. It takes nothing at all to make her cry and she's too tired to cook, clean or do anything she usually does.

My mum has admitted to me, because she knows of my struggles, that she feels she needs help but she doesn't deserve it because it's my uncle that's sick not her. She's taking her anger and frustration out on me with smart comments about how I don't do enough excercise or chores even though I've spent the last three days doing all her laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning etc with some help from dad whilst in full care of my 7 week old son. I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm a new first time mum trying to get used to my new life and enjoy my son but I constantly feel like I can't. I'm constantly thinking to myself 'hurry up and stop feeding' or 'go to sleep already' because I need to do more for my mum...

tired and fed up...

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome to our caring community SL;

It seems you and your family are facing emotional hardships left, right and centre. I'm so sorry things are this way. Posting here takes courage so well done for reaching out. Please know you're heard, cared about and important to us ok.

To my understanding, 'grief' can begin before someone passes if their condition's terminal. How people express that grief is very individual and can't be predicted. It seems your mum is overwhelmed and not coping very well which is having trickling down effect. Personally, I understand where she's at as I'm sure you do too, but aren't equipped to deal with her behaviour.

We're not trained in coping with this type of scenario. You, your mum and dad and uncle are doing/being what you can and I think it's a credit to you all, especially you with your newborn. (Congratulations by the way!)

You sound guilt stricken, yet resentful. I totally understand this. It's a time in your life that could be so much more. Do you have someone outside the family to talk to? What about your post-natal nurse? A close confidant' or even a psychologist?

It sounds like your mum (and maybe your dad) might benefit from grief counselling; are you confident enough to approach them with this suggestion?

Sorry for all the questions. I guess I'm trying to open the dialogue to help you get things out of your head and onto the page. It's really therapeutic as all of us here know from experience.

I'd also love to hear about your little one. It's a huge task taking care of your first child, but exciting and wonderful too.

Looking forward to hearing from you;

Sez

[SilverLight]

Thank you JustSara,

i am very lucky to have the family that I do and it's killing me watching it fall apart. I'm working on ways to talk to my mum but (and I should mention we live with her and dad right now) every time she talks to us every word is fuelled by anger or smartness/attitude and I don't think she realises it. You are also correct that this time of our lives should have been so much more... We had our own place, we'd been sorted and ready for the baby but I was screwed out of work at 12 weeks pregnant and had go to fair work. We got nothing. We only just got something from Centrelink on Friday. This has been the hardest 12 months of my life. We found out I was pregnant in September last year and then within three weeks my uncle was diagnosed, I lost my job and my car was written off. It's been so very hard...

Im glad I do have a psychologist to help me... If only I could get mum to see her too.

Our little boy was born on the 28th May and he's the light of our lives 😍

[Just Sara]

Hi again SL;

Whew! Life can be cruel sometimes. The birth of your first child's daunting and wonderful at the same time. So adding these awful situations wouldn't be much fun. I really do feel for you.

I'm sorry your mum doesn't have the propensity for therapy. That's the hard basket for sure. I'm wondering if you might write her a letter explaining how difficult it is to be on the receiving end of her anger. You've obviously got good writing/expression skills, so maybe this could be an avenue of communication to consider.

I've had to talk with my mum in the past when she refused to acknowledge how difficult it's been for me going thru the Hell of Anxiety/Panic/Depression. "Just get over it! Be strong like me!" was her battle cry.

I sat her down and asked politely to let me speak uninterrupted as I had something important to say. When I finished she told me she didn't know it was like that and apologised; yep! Said sorry. Ha! How about that eh?

So there's hope SL. Never say die when it comes to expressing your feelings when it really matters. It may take practice and a load of courage to begin with, but the benefits are mighty. It's all in the delivery and refusal to engage in debating the obvious; they're your feelings.

Your little bub's still in the vulnerable stage, but when he gets a few months under his belt, he'll be an absolute delight. 🙂 It sounds as though your mum's over the moon with his presence too. Sorry your life put you in this position, but being a mum for the first time, it's nice you have help available too. I see this as a positive.

Take care hun; looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Sez