Can I still have achieve dreams or am I too late?

[LostPigeon407]

So I am now turning 29 in March, not long away and my only income is just Centrelink DSP. I have over $45,000 of savings, I have my driving licence and own a vehicle, But unfortunately I've never had direction for which industries or entry jobs I want to work. I am realistic it's very hard to get a job when I have no work experience or net work to help me and with nothing on my resume despite a year of Salvo's volunteering and minimal assistance with brick laying. I only finished Year 12 high school in 2013 with Foundation VCAL and I am not eligible or even the academic devoted personality for University, despite having a interest in Nutrition, Counselling & Theology. 

I often get upset because since 7 years ago I was diagnosed with pre diabetes and I'm always angry about that and having to live this way now. I'm also under psychiatry treatment for a severe diagnosis that I don't agree with and they otherwise wrongly think I am something like asperges and it's absolutely not true. I love living with my family, but I hate my father and I am financially dependent on him. I also was bullied by high school crap friends that lasted for a decade and they impacted my confidence socially and they made my suffering worse by enjoying my misfortunes. They were undermining, hypocritical, speaking on my behalf, spreading rumours and calling me un wanted names and judging the way I was living and giving me labels that I had to be told quite frequently, they also were insensitive generally. I've had no contact for the last 5 years.

I always wanted to be creative with music or comedy aspirations but I blame my father and my school relationship's to ruin my esteem to ever try, and now with the involuntary pharmaceuticals I just feel I will never have confidence.

[LostPigeon407]

I have no direction for which entry jobs I want to work. I don't want University or anything from TAFE either, Unless if I ever did Nutrition. I am nearing 30. It also gives my psychiatrist further reason to look down my intelligence or mental health. Even if other people could have a similar existential crisis at my age, I'm only treated as maybe hopeless since I am under the opinion of the doctors. I hate that my lack of interest and direction is believed to be because of a diagnosis that I don't agree with having. I know that I'm suffering with spirituality but it's never believed and the thing that bothers me is even though I know it's genuine, It can't be proven.

[therising]

Hi LostPigeon407

While people speak of feelings as being things like 'sadness', 'anger', 'stress' etc etc, I'd have to say next level feeling becomes more specific, not simply summarised by a single word. For example, 'Twisting in the wind with no sense of direction' is a feeling. 'A lack of solid and inspiring guidance' is also something that can be felt. 'No one I can relate to' has a definite feel to it (aka being able to feel what 'completely and utterly alone' feels like). Then comes a whole other challenge in some cases, when people tell you that what you're feeling or getting a sense of is wrong. 'You don't have a lack of guidance, you have a good psychologist, for example'. You could then say, with all confidence and with no self doubt (if you completely trusted your feelings) 'Well why don't I feel myself heading in any positive direction? Why don't I feel any difference being made? Why don't I feel solid guidance? Why do I not feel any form of inspiration?'.

The path of spirituality, dang it's a challenging one for sure. When you're the only person in your life who wants to travel along it and explore it, it's one heck of a lonely path. I'm a proud self proclaimed 'woo woo gal' (regarding mainstream spirituality, not any specific religion). Took a while to get there, to the point of feeling proud of it and confident in it but I'm glad I stuck with it. The best advice I was ever given in this area was 'Find people who are going to grow you in the area you want to grow in'. Finding people who are just going to degrade you becomes pretty depressing. For every 100 people you find who tell you 'the dark night of the soul' concept is a load of rubbish, you can find 100 who'll tell you that's what they feel they experienced. For every 100 people who will tell you 'spiritual emergency' is a load of rubbish, you can find 100 who'll tell you that's exactly what they felt. So, all depends on who you speak to.

The same guy who advised me to find the people who'll grow me also advised 'It can become depressing to leave the path you feel that best serves you, in order to please or be accepted by other people'. He advised 'You are going to come across people who'll throw mud and sh** at you. You need to learn to 1)stay on your path and 2)wash off the mud'. You wouldn't believe it but on my way home from seeing him that day, I stopped at a red light and looked over to find a billboard for washing detergent. In big letters it read 'WASH OFF THE MUD'. Life can be magical that way. 😊

The thing about finding the people we best vibe with is...we don't have to prove anything to them. You don't have to prove what they can fully relate to. All you have to do is share with each other what you can relate to. ❤️

[LostPigeon407]

Thanks for your comment therising. I definitely have heard that quote before "Find the tribe, that you vibe with" I just agree with your statement about not having to prove to others what they can't relate with, but only sharing what you relate with. The only troubling thing might be, you might be like another culture or nationality or who knows, but you can't always afford to see everywhere your interested in or have general insight. I believe God works in mysterious ways, I don't have the explanation for the billboard, but I firmly believe it's mysteriously spiritual.

[therising]

I can relate to the affordability side of things and researching different cultures through physical travel. Something to aim for in the future, which should encourage me to save. I tend to more so travel through books and my laptop. This way, I can travel into the minds of great authors, can travel back in history in order to see how great cultures worked, travel into the worlds of psychology, biology, spirituality and more. So many places to go in order to gain insight.

I like to imagine some of the stuff or magic that comes to mind to be of a spiritual nature. While I've had people say 'That's all just coincidence' or 'That's all in your head', I figure if I can't use my imagination to gain a sense of magic in life, what's the point in having an imagination? While we could all imagine something different, something that provides a sense of ease and amazement in life, why not make a choice when it comes to that thing. A harmless and innocent choice which comes to serve us is a good choice I believe.

When it comes to the billboard, the magic wasn't necessarily in the billboard being there, the magic was in choosing to take a different route home and it was in what came to mind with the thought 'Look around', which led me to do just that and, in turn, see the billboard. It's like the magic's also not necessarily in being in the right place at the right time, for example, it's in all the little timings that led up to being in the right place at the right time (leaving the house, the traffic etc). If one of those was out, we'd be in the right place at the wrong time. The magic may also have been in what came to mind to mind for us to begin with, 'You need to leave home now'. I've learned over time to stop saying 'Something told me to do that. I should have done it, I should have listened'. It's something we often hear from people, 'I should have listened to and trusted what came to mind. Next time'. For such intuition or tuition for life, we pay with our attention. That's all it costs, our attention. 🙂

[LostPigeon407]

Another reason I can't have confidence is because I am turning 29 in March with only 1 year of volunteer history and no payed history or direction, Since I don't want to do any apprenticeships or construction. I don't want to work in a factory, sales, retail, hospitality. I don't want anything with computers or hairdressing. To do University and have tuition and 4 years of intense studying is not what I want to do, I'm not dreaming to be a Dietician or a Counsellor despite having a small interest if comparing to anything else. I haven't done VCE Year 12 when I graduated high school in 2013. I am not a academic driven personality and I hate studying. I'm also worried because of the economy and cost of modern Australian living. I just can't advance my life and figure out direction.

I also hate that because I made suicidal mistakes from 2012 - 2014 I have became wrongly diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I knew what I was doing back then, but it's the way I was choosing to be during those times in my prior life. I only did my suicidal mistakes because I was without money, work direction, I overcame high school and I was still dealing with two of those people here and again. I also was heavily infatuated with a girl that I could never have and that was the main reason it all put me in a destructive phase. Now I have to be on un wanted involuntary pharmaceuticals and live with belly stretch marks and remission pre diabetes. I have to have medical certificates and potential eventual occupational assessments just to drive, despite having a automatic regular licence, even when I am not actually suffering from a mental debilitating illness. They all treat me as indenyl it's just something I can't win against the doctors and second reviews are pointless basically. I hate being around therapists or doctors how their talking to me in a manner because they mistakenly believe I'm Schizophrenic. They treat misdiagnosis as a rarity that never happens because they can't be wrong, even when misdiagnosis is common.