Broken & no one to turn too.

[broken___down]

I'll start by saying I've been on various medications since '96, seen several psychologists & haven't made much headway in the grand scheme of things.
Life's been a battle most of the time, however this is a new low I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Two weeks ago my girlfriend of five years informed me the relationship was over. This came completely out of the blue. Sure, we'd had a bit of a hard time lately, like most couples but I had no idea things were this bad. Personally I think the reason given for ending it is bullshit but there's no point in pushing for a truth, as it won't happen.
Not the first long term relationship I've been through, married & divorced twice so I know the drill.
Now have to deal with finding a place to live which is always fun.
Thing is, I don't have a friend in the world to lean on, never have! Goes back to the way I was raised, the Oldman always said "Trust no one, keep your thoughts & feelings to yourself, they'll only be used against you!" Of course I discovered after his death 25yrs ago he didn't practice what he preached!
Yeah, great advice I know now but in my formative years this is what I believed.
Mum's still alive but at 85, I don't like bothering her with all this crap. Sure we talk about what's happening but not the details of how it's affecting me really.
At the moment I'm feeling so alone & wondering what's next to go belly up!
Job loss, won't find a place to live that accepts pets -have three cats- these are the things that have manifested themselves into huge issues.
Employed as a casual for ten months on a 38hr week, I feel the hammer is poised above me, about to drop. There's no real reason for this, just how my mind is spinning at present.
It's at a point where I'm not sleeping, eating, I'm feeling sick & dry reaching, crying, just a shitful mess & honestly, I hate myself.
Not sure what I hope to achieve from posting?
Ideas on how to deal with things, sympathetic ear, scorn, I really don't know?
I'd head off to another psych but I'm not sure how things are going to pan out financially in a place on my own, so trying to keep a little aside & of the four I've seen previously, only one was of any help I feel. That was twelve years ago & I have no idea if he's still practicing.
So, laid bare for all the world to see.
To talk about, laugh at, poke fun at, as it's always been.

[CygnetSkylar]

Hi broken & down,

Firstly, thank you for sharing and taking the step to do something about your situation. It must be difficult for you right now and I can't possibly imagine what it would be like in your shoes.
What I do know though is that you will find it in you to find a way out of this. Perhaps start with small things that could improve your position right now. Would it be possible for you to live with your mum for a short while until you find your feet again?

I also find doing some form of exercise (even when you don't want to) helps a lot. Just a stroll through a park or by the beach- take some time to remove yourself for a bit and come back to it bit by bit.

No one is going to laugh or poke fun at you. We all have our ups and downs and sometimes the downs just take a little while to get out of.

Is there something that you really enjoy doing?

[broken___down]

Hi Cygnet Skylar, thanks for your suggestions.
No, living with Mum isn't an option. She lives in a unit in Adelaide, I'm in Vic & apart from that, we'd drive each other nuts under the one roof.
I get out when I can, the shitty weather doesn't help much I know, so looking forward to summer no end.
I'm a summer person, enjoy the sun on me, the heat, days are brighter, it's a far better time of year.
I enjoyed spending time with my pooch. Out & about at the local oval, down the beach, just sitting in the yard together but unfortunately had to put him to sleep in Feb due to cancer.
- It was discovered late & even though he underwent major surgery, it only bought me an extra two months with him.
I'm extremely happy for those two months & even knowing that it didn't have a huge bearing on his time with me, given the chance, I'd give him the exact same opportunity.
We'd been together for fifteen & half years & he was with me through thick & thin, so tipping this has also had a hand in how I'm dealing with things at the moment.
While having the cats is great, I wouldn't be without them, it's just not the same.
I enjoy getting out on my bike, it helps clear my head but with moving into a place on my own & expenses for utilities, insurance, etc, I'm not out much trying to save a few dollars.
Feeling a bit better today, it's like that I know.
Some days are diamonds some days are stone, as someone famously once said.
So, onward & upwards, I await what tomorrow brings?

[CygnetSkylar]

I'm sorry to hear about your dog but I'm glad you managed to spend some good times together in his final months. I definitely know what you mean about how the cats' company would not be the same as your dog's. At least summer is definitely coming and we'll get some nice days out soon.
I'm personally really looking forward to hitting the beach again with a couple of friends. Hope you will be able to find some time and peace to enjoy the sun soon too!

The first few weeks of moving out would definitely be quite taxing but I think you will get into the swing of it soon. It's great to hear that you are feeling better today though! We just gotta take it bit by bit huh?

Please feel free to post your thoughts when you feel like it. Always up for a chat and to just share stories.

Best of luck!

[nothingleft]

Hi broken & down,

I havnt got a lot of helpful input for you, i just wanted to say i know how you feel as i am going through the exact same thing.

All that keeps me going atm is just taking it hr by hr i cant think of the future at all as it indeed looks bleak from my position, i also cannot think of the past as since i was 18 i had done everything with my partner and we built up so much together and now she is gone. 15yrs of chilhood sweethearts basically all my adult life has just dissapeared..

I guess what im trying to say is just live for the moment and use things to distract you. Im trying to learn french atm on a free app just because it makes me think and stops my mind wandering.

Maybe try something similar just to distract negative thoughts.

Its a terrible hopeless feeling i know, unfortunately all we can do is plod on but just wanted to let you know your not alone.

Take care

Nothingleft

[broken___down]

Hi CygnetSkylar & Nothingleft, thanks for your words.
I know I'm not rowing this boat alone.
Yesterday was a good day, no tears. Today, not so good.
Christ, Yo-yo comes to mind as a name change!

[CygnetSkylar]

Tomorrow's another day, my friend!
Hope you were able to identify what went wrong today and slowly find a solution to that 🙂

[broken___down]

Hi, been a couple of weeks of ups & downs.
Found a place rent, move in three weeks & since signing the lease, filled with doubt & apprehension about the week to week finances. Employed as a casual, even though it's full time hours & now we're not working public holidays! This is something new as for the past ten months, all PH's have been worked. -Some Bean Counter sitting in an office on 70K a year has decided to cut costs no doubt!
That knocks $200 a week off my wage & as everyone knows, the bills & outgoings don't take holidays!
I know I'm lucky, my work sees my observing the homeless up close every night of the week. Not dealing or working with them directly but passing them as they make the best of their situation on the streets.
And that's what scares me, thinking I'm half a step away from joining them!
Working without a net, nothing or no one to fall back on if things go pear shaped, it weighs heavy on my mind....

[broken___down]

After several weeks of feeling fairly good about life & things starting to look up, it happened!
The hammer fell at work & no prizes for guessing who it smacked right between the eyes!
Not a problem with my work or anything I was doing, more than happy with all of that.
Stupid Bastards that put the tender in under quoted it & they're losing money by the day, so have to trim the workforce.
Seeing as I'm casual, out the door.
Every time I look like getting ahead, something knocks me down.
I'm tired.
I'm fighting battles I can't seem to win.
I'm over it....

[JessF]

Hello b&d, what terrible news to get so close to Christmas. Reading back through your thread this has been a very tough couple of months for you. Life can feel like one step forward two steps backwards at times.

I know you said that you don't like to bother your mum with how you're feeling, but I know that I would be very upset if I found out my children were struggling and I didn't know. She may not be able to fix your problems, but just being able to share your burden with her may help. Is visiting her for Christmas an option, or will there be no one to look after your cats?