BPD and alcohol

Helpadad · ‎23-01-2020

Hi there, I’ve been struggling for a while mostly in denial about my wife’s condition. She has extreme mood swings which I have asked her to seek medical advice about as they are more changes of personality. Over the last year she has been drinking in secret, hiding bottles of wine in cupboards and this has progressed to hiding it in sports bottles. I have caught her a few times and she blames me for everything. I cannot talk to her when she has been drinking as the words that she says are too hurtful. I gave up all drink in an attempt to help her stop, we were good for two weeks then I found her drinking in the bedroom. She admits she is depressed and blames me, because we had three kids and she gave up her career and independence.
If we didn’t have kids, I would walk away, but I don’t trust her with the children, especially as she drinks in secret. I have asked her to get help, she always finds and excuse, and how can I prove she is getting help?
my work is highly stressful and I am juggling trying to keep my family together and not make a mistake at work.
Do I involve her family? Do I ask her to leave? I want to help her, as I still love her and I don’t want to split my family. I feel I am slowly breaking and finding it hard to keep smiling for my children.
I don’t know what to do.

alasdayr · ‎28-01-2020

Well done for not drinking on Australia Day. This shows good resolve. This commitment to your wife and this is highly commendable.

In trying to shape others behavior, reward is shown to work better than punishment (ultimatum). You still have to make limits as to what is acceptable and what is unacceptable (and let this be known ahead of time), but rewarding desired behavior will likely work better than "do this or else...".

As others have pointed out. It needs to be HER decision to stop. If the positive incentive to stop is greater than the reward for continuing, then the transition will becomes easier (and more desirable) for her.

Take care of yourself. It is easy to lose sight of your own improvement and integrity when trying to help someone else. Should the worst ever happen, the one you always fall back to is yourself. Make sure you have a good relationship with yourself (and ideally a good support network) as a base to operate from.

Last point is never nominate an action you are unable or unwilling to take, either as a reward, or as response to transgressions of your limits of acceptability. Make sure to follow through on either/both. This ensures personal integrity.

Helpadad · ‎06-10-2020

Hi all,

Update to my situation, my wife has been seeing a psychologist to hep her work though the addiction and depression. The last few weeks though her behaviour has become erratic, she has the shakes, bad memory and lack of appetite. We had a work dinner last week and we left sober but after 1 wine she acted paracletic! And I did my best to cover for her. I know there are articles on symptoms when you wean off alcohol which she seems to be showing. I was surprised that she hasn't been advised to get medications and that as she says, her therapist said to keep alcohol in the house?! I packed my bags last night and left early afternoon, but I had no where to go and found myself sitting in a carpark planning to spend the night in the car. My kids kept calling begging me to come home. I eventually came home late in the evening and set up in the spare room. She still blames me or everything, I'm the reason she drinks, she gave up her career to have kids and support mine, I don't sow her love etc etc. My kids are my world, so is my wife or at least the one she used to be. I'm a bit lost.

DannyG · ‎06-10-2020

Hi Helpadad I was a drinker for nine years and it effected so many things in my life. I couldn’t function properly, I was short tempered, always tired. For me, I couldn’t stop until I hit rock bottom - I lost my job. This made me realise that i was destroying my life. However it took this big event to shock me into doing something. And as others here have said, you can’t do this for your partner, she needs to do it herself. I also agree that if you decide on ultimatums, you have to follow through or they do not have any impact. If your partner is drinking because she is unhappy the reason for the unhappiness needs to be addressed. Encouraging your partner to get help I think is a good thing as I think that’s what would be helpful for her in this situation. Feel free to ask me anything im happy to help.

Helpadad · ‎06-10-2020

Thanks DannyG, yes I do believe we could probably benefit from couples therapy to address other issues that may be the cause. Getting her to admit she has a problem has always been the issue and as I said she always blames me, but she is the one that makes a conscientious decision to drink! She has seen a therapist but that seems to have not done anything, and I trust her that she spoke about drinking with her. I am not faultless I now, it is hard to see why she is unhappy, we have a beautiful family and home and security. But as I said she blames me for having to stop work due kids and I believe that was the start of the spiral despite having three beautiful kids. I keep encouraging her to find work, but everyone I fin she says is that all I'm good for now. Cant win! I will look into couples therapy ad go from there. Thanks again.

Helpadad · ‎02-02-2021

Hi all,

it came to a head today. I couldn’t deal with the drinking and anger on my own, so I got her Mum and brother to help. Wow, that severely went wrong. She was like a demon possessed and lashed out on everybody saying some horrible things to everyone. My priority is now the kids, she won’t get help and is still in denial. I have spoken with her family about calling the police because I feel she will harm herself.
I beg her not to argue in front of the kids but she doesn’t stop and uses them as a messenger. I tried calling the mental health line, and after 30 mins on hold gave up. For a service that is supposed to help, it needs to be available to start.
I know she now feels betrayed and cornered, but I needed help and so did the kids. I keep telling her I love her and want to help, but she just calls me everything and blames me for everything wrong in her life. She blamed her mum as well, so maybe I’m only 50% to blame!
She constantly bends the truth which is dangerous, and the lies are incredible. I recorded her the other day screaming at me, which I know if I would show to services they would fear for her safety. I can’t make her go to a therapist, so is my only option to call the police? Or is there a service which I can call to visit her in our home? Sorry lots of questions, I’m just lost myself and trying to stay strong for my kids.