Boyfriends Depression - I need help

[LilyLilyLily]

To paraphrase: My Boyfriend of 6 months started declining in behavior significantly after the first 2 months and it's reached a point where he won't socialise with anyone, make any decisions on what to do, what to eat, or where to go... but will just sit there awkwardly all the time. He won't even interact with me, yet he still comes over every weekend. He has existing depression issues of 10 years or more that haven't completely come to light till now and i'm worried about him.
I myself struggle a bit. I'm 27 and i haven't had a lasting relationship for 6 years. I've dated more than a few that have depression/bipolar/anxiety issues, and each failure has taken it's toll on me. I feel like it's selfish of me to abandon ship and get back out there, but his actions have left me feeling empty, unattractive and feeling like a total stranger, i almost feel obligated to stay with him. But do I keep going with his road to recovery, regardless of my own mental state? Or do I let him go? I'm not sure i'm properly equipped to help him... but i feel terrible for even thinking of leaving him.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. I hope you will not mind if I start with a few questions. I do commend you for coming here and telling your story.

I would assume that your BF is getting professional help? Depending on the answer there are things I could follow up with.

Do you know what happened around that 2 month mark that might have triggered his depression?

Have you spoken or are you able to speak with your BF about this? Not in an argumentative way but openly and honestly? Maybe let him know that you want to help or support him and share (for lack of a better word) this journey?

I am guessing that if it were not for the depression or if he talked about it with you, everything would be ok?

Do you know if he is the same at work and his other friends? Or does he put on a mask? And being his true self around you?

Only you know what is the correct action is to take. And taking the worst case scenario, if you did leave, would he understand why? Does he deserve a second chance.

I cannot tell you what to do. And won't. With the above questions, I am just trying to be a sounding board to let you explore ideas. You will be supported and not judged by anyone here. If you have any questions or chat some more...here I am.

Tim

[Croix]

Dear Lilly~

Tim has asked some good questions and I"ll not repeat them. Like Tim I'm not able to suggest if you should go or stay. Having someone descend into such a depressed state is upsetting, worrying and most people are like you and would have an undeserved feeling of inadequacy.

I think if you could ensure he has medical help that would be the best for him, irrespective of what you decide to do. If he is already under treatment he needs to let his doctor know about his current state. Getting him to see his doctor may not be straightforward, however there is only so much you can do. If your efforts to persuade him don't do any good there may be someone else in his life - a family member perhaps, that might have more luck.

Staying with someone long-term just out of a sense of obligation does not seem to me to lead to a balanced relationship, only you know if there is more reason to stay.

Croix

[LilyLilyLily]

Hey Smallwolf, thankyou for taking the time to write.
He's currently not undergoing any treatment. He told me he saw someone a couple of years ago but it was only the one session. There was a lot of lead up time to the session and he wasn't feeling as bad as he had been when he booked it, so he gave it up. I've suggested writing down how he feels at the time and potentially bringing that material to any possible sessions in the future.
I have a feeling it was my friends and family that triggered such a massive decline... i've been living back at home with my parents and brother, but they mostly keep to themselves. I also have a large group of friends, we number anywhere between 5-10 people at any one time. Perhaps being exposed to this many people who are trying to welcome him with open arms has scared him, or put his mind into overdrive. But as much as i like alone time as a couple, avoiding my friends(i consider them family) and family are not really an option for me.

I've had a good honest conversation with him recently and he didn't say anything about agreeing to see a professional but he did agree that the house he currently lives in is linked to a lot of memories that started his depressive feelings.
As for his friends, he has them but he doesn't hang out with anyone. I think i've met them twice. Once for when he left his job (he got a new job, lots of solo time and away from people) and a poker night the weekend after. He hasn't socialised since.
I think if i did leave he would understand why, but i'm afraid he won't be motivated to seek help after that.
I think perhaps these thoughts of leaving are my way of protecting myself... but is the guy i first met the one i'll get to know when he seeks help and possibly get better? or was that just a honeymoon phase... I'm just exploring thoughts... i don't expect answers to everything. I just find it helpful to type everything i feel.
Thankyou again so much for taking the time...

[LilyLilyLily]

Croix - Thank you too, for taking the time to write.
I think you're right. Well, i KNOW you're right. I need to ensure that he's seeking treatment of some kind and if he won't listen to me i may have to resort to speaking to his older brother or sister. I'm not 100% sure how close they are but maybe i can suss that out in the coming weeks.
Maybe i do feel somewhat obligated to stay with him at least until he has the tools at his disposal to help himself... i'm not sure how wrong that is. I'm just not sure if he can be someone i can share happiness with, i don't think i really got the chance to figure that out before this all started happening.
Thankyou

[Croix]

Dear Lily~

It looks like there are two things, the first being staying around to try to ensure he starts some form of treatment. Like you I'm not sure that is a bad idea - if you can mange it without it having to big a toll on you.

As for if he is right for you, maybe if you had success in getting him to treatment you might have a chance to find out. Of course there is such a thing as a honeymoon phase. Frankly I'd be a trifle confused and directionless in your situation.

I do know that being with someone who has depression can be a hard road with successes and disappointments and no real road map of what to do. Even learning from experience is hard, my wife used sometimes to find what she said or did met with appreciation, indifference or even resentment at different times. She did have her mum for support which made a huge difference.

Writing things out is a good way to get thoughts in order and help weigh pros and cons. Sadly sometimes there is not enough information to make a logical judgment even when all set out. I guess that's when the heart comes into play.

Croix

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Just a quick reply at the moment... You said:

I've had a good honest conversation with him recently and he didn't say anything about agreeing to see a professional but he did agree that the house he currently lives in is linked to a lot of memories that started his depressive feelings.

Did you ask him or explore what is about the house that is related these memories? Or is it possible that some things in the house could the changed to reduce these memories?

Me... I work/worked from home. It was my work that caused my depression issues. There is one room that I don't like going into... still! But if I could, I would totally clean out that room of all things that made it what it is, and create some space in there, transforming it from a cluttered dungeon into a space of beauty?

Tim

[LilyLilyLily]

There are definitly memories linked to that house.
10 years ago when he signed that lease he had 3 other housemates that were his bandmates at the time. They would often leave him out of social outings and would never help out with the cleaning.
One of the housemates figured out this figure that would be a monthly payment that would cover bills, rent, household expnses and such. The others never disclosed with him how much their share was. All this money went into an account linked to a card. Whenever my boyfriend would want to go down the street to get more toilet paper or cleaning products they wouldn't let him have the card... but left it to get so bad that he was forced to spend his own money to get it. Every now and again there would be some big purchase in the house like video game consoles, and a new plasma tv. Boyfriend didn't have access to these but where was the money coming from? Biggest nail in the coffin was when they had a house party one night and the place was a mess. With out any prior notice the other 3 housemates left for a two week holiday to another state while he had to stay home and clean up the mess. Eventually he got his dad to help evict the other boys. But he says he's been quiet, reserved and pretty much a doormat ever since.
To this day he continues to put up with housemates that don't clean up or help before a house inspection.
On the employment front, he works from a van and seems to be quite happy with the solitude.
That does sound like a nice idea with the redecorating.