Borderline Personality Disorder and having space

[Missintense]

I don't know where to start, so I am sorry if this is a little messy. I love a guy and he loves me. He suffers from Anxiety and Depression while I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I do go through Anxiety and Depression, but I don't fully understand the extent he goes through. I helped him this year to figure out the issues that he has been holding in. He is seeing a psychologist, however, as soon as he realized his issues (because I was the first person in his life to ever tell me his deep dark secrets) He has been distant. He has told me he has so much self-hatred for himself that he feels like he is treating me like crap and I am better off without him. It's hard for him to see me face to face as when we did see each other he was shaking and wasn't coping at all. We haven't seen each other since early June. When he asked for space. I didn't give it to him as my disorder fears abandonment. I would harrass him unwillingly not to deliperatly harrass him, but to try help him and to keep him in my life. It got to the point that he got really angry at me. His anger is formed from his past that he is still trying to get through. We didn't speak for most of July. I thought I'd message him, but he got angry at me for messaging him because he said he will contact when he is ready and I wasn't respecting his decision for space. I wasn't respecting his needs. He tells me he loves me and he needs to get better to be a better man for himself and for me. He told he needs to get on top of these issues and he told me that his plan is to contact me when he is ready, he just doesn't want to hurt me in the process, but having bpd is hard when someone tells you that. I feel like he will never come back. We haven't spoken since July 29th. It's September 6th. I see him on social media talking to people like he is okay. When he did that in the past he said they were a distraction from his real life problems and they weren't close to him to know about his depression and anxiety. I feel he won't come back. I feel he just said space to let me down slowly. I don't understand this self hatred and leaving the ones you love. I need understanding. I trust him, he has never lied to me before, but I feel like I am stuck in limbo and I feel like he is testing me as well as trying to get through his issues to see if I will contact him because he truly believes I cannot give him space because I have stuffed it up in the past. Anyone have a similar story? I am suffering.

[White_Rose]

Dear Missintense

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for telling us your story. I hope we can help and support you.

Let me start with your BF. When anyone becomes severely depressed there are number of factors that come into play. One of the most common is feeling worthless, also being ashamed of their illness and a belief that their partner/family/friends may be harmed by his association with them. The person will distance themselves from family and friends in an attempt to cure themselves, with or without professional help.

It's my observation this is more common in men than women. I suspect this is due in part to the belief they must be the strong person, take care of the family, not allow others to see them as weak. It's hard to convince someone they are better off with a helping hand and someone who cares about them very much. In many ways this care is seen as undeserved because of their self-belief in their unworthiness. Of course this is not true but it's hard for them to believe it.

Beyondblue has information about depression and anxiety which you may find useful to read. Look under the tab The Facts at the top of the page. You can download the fact sheets. There is a booklet for family and friends you may find helpful. You will need to send for this, no charge. It's always good to have some knowledge about his difficulties. I think it may help you to be more aware of his feelings. It's not easy to tell someone they are loved for themselves because the barriers go up so quickly.

Having BPD is not an easy road to travel and I think you have done well to understand your own feelings and needs. Do you see a psychologist or psychiatrist? If so perhaps you can talk about your BF needs, how you can best help him and also how to manage your own feelings of abandonment. This aspect of BPD is so cruel as it makes you quite demanding at times. The uncertainty about being loved and cared for makes for an uncomfortable life.

Putting on a mask for friends etc is a common coping mechanism when depressed and it creates a safe world for your BF who can convince himself to some extent that he is a good person etc. When he comes into contact with you and remembers how much he cares it shatters the false image he has of himself of coping with life. I suspect this is why he gets angry because he does care, wants to protect you from himself and to have the loving relationship he once had.

As usual I am running out of word allowance. Let me know what you think.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Missintense,

Mary has provided you with such a thoughtful and considerate response, I don't know what to add to her words.

I experience BDP, anxiety, stress and depression. My husband occasionally is depressed and anxious. We have had some "interesting" moments in our relationship over the years.

It must be hard seeing him with people on social media. When you do see pictures of him and it hurts you, can you try and think of something positive after a while to help reduce the impact of your feelings?

Trying to work on a relationship when a person does not want contact, and having to wait must be hard for you. Do you think you will come to a point where you will not wait any longer but move on? I know that sounds harsh, sorry.

I also know how messed up BDP can make our minds. Sometimes we need to decide when it is time to let a person go. Hopefully your friend will feel able to contact you soon.

All the best from Dools

[Missintense]

Hi Mary, Thank you so much as your comment was very informative for me. I thought I'd find it easier to understand him, but as his feelings kept processing I knew I didn't. Because my BPD has a tendency to fear abandonment so I have never been in that situation of self-hatred within a relationship to push them away. It's usually pushing them away sometimes in the fear they will leave. I see a psychologist and psychiatrist. I do DBT. I am very aware of my feelings, but I am at a challenge where I am trying to control the intensity of those feelings and find coping ways to get through that. I have spoken about it to them. It's mostly what I speak about including other things as BPD tends to hurt more when it's close family, friends, and relationships. The best way to help him is to give him space. He has told me that. My psychologist has told me that as well, but then when I am alone that fear rushes over me that he will never return. It's like an endless race in my head and I try to shut it off. I know in my head what's going on, yet the pain is very intense. He never wanted to see a psychologist before until he met me. He is doing it to better himself because he fears he will lose me, yet I still have those thoughts that he will completely abandon me and won't come back. The more time goes on, the more intense my emotions are. It's a challenge, to say the least. I feel in a way contacting him a lot was the biggest issue I had and therefore makes me believe, why would he contact me since I didn't respect his space? Even though he has taught me a lot, he has taught me about boundaries which I won't cross again. I had none for myself, therefore I wouldn't have respect for his. Now I have boundaries for myself, but the intensity of these feelings is what is hurting. Even though I go to DBT. It's still hard when I am alone and have no family or friends around me for support.

[Missintense]

Thank you for the response, Dollhof.

It's not the pictures as he doesn't post them and he doesn't take them nor does he go out. It's him just simply replying to people and having banter. It hurts, but I am aware that is he trying to help his depression and self-hatred. I think everyone with BPD does care a lot and it takes us that little longer to get over something/someone, but I feel when we do move on, we move on. I don't know when that time will come. I don't think pushing myself to move on right now will do anything good for me. I feel that I have to ride this wave and if I do move on in the process, it will just happen. I don't know your thoughts on this, maybe you have different thoughts. Feel free to share as I've only recently been diagnosed with BPD and I am still eager to learn more and more about it as I have suffered from it my entire life. From getting misdiagnosed with Bipolar for 7 years to anxiety and depression and finally finding the real reason and something that actually fits what I am going through.

[Doolhof]

Hi Missintense,

Thanks for getting back to us and explaining more about your situation.

I'd just like to say, that for everyone who experiences BPD, there are similarities, there are also differences. I found different aspects of DBT to be helpful. I was diagnosed many years ago. Once I knew I was dealing with BPD my life made a lot more sense!

Like your friend, when I am depressed, I find it a lot easier to write words than to actually be with people face to face and communicate with them that way.

I admire you for wanting to understand BPD better. Hopefully your friend will gain the assistance he needs and will be in contact. Only you know what is best for you right now, so do as you feel is right. The main thing is to look after yourself in all of this as well.

As Mary mentioned, BPD is not an easy condition to manage sometimes. I know I have days when I don't do so well. Our minds can take us on quite a journey!

I've borrowed books on BPD from the library and have found them helpful.

Hope you manage to find ways to deal with and better understand your experiences in life.

Cheers from Dools

[White_Rose]

Hello Missintense

Thank you for your reply. I have some idea of coping with intense feelings and how it can feel like a physical pain. Not much fun. Learning about mental illness (MI) is always a good thing. The better informed you are the better you learn to manage your symptoms and life in general.

When people with BPD have experiences that trigger emotional extremes, it can be difficult for them to return to a place of emotional stability. I read this about BPD when I was looking for a web site with information on BPD. I also read that those with BPD feel as though they have permanent third degree burns all over their bodies. It's not a happy place to be but I understand you can learn to manage your life without the extremes of pain and fear. Certainly something to work towards which you are doing with your DBT.

I know I can become overwhelmed with emotion when something goes wrong and I have spent a long time learning to manage this. Not an easy road. For me the process is to remind myself I have managed in the past, that hurt does not last forever and will go away even if I do nothing. I need some distracting activity as I can easily brood over the whatever. Not that it's easy to do these things but it becomes easier with practice. I also find a physical activity, such weeding the garden, works better than allowing myself to sit still. I enjoy making things such as clothes for my grandchildren, embroidery, scrapbooking.

It's also useful to write down how I feel. I do not go back to read it, I just need to get it out of my head. I often phone a friend, not to talk about how I feel but to have an ordinary sort of conversation and perhaps go to lunch with that person. Anything that takes me away from that place of hurt or fear is good and gives me breathing space and time for the first wave to wash over me and go away. Then I can manage to work out the next stage.

I know it's not as easy or straight forward as it sounds and everyone reacts differently.The biggest step is to learn what works for each of us. There is big gap between the intellectual know ledge we have about ourselves and others and the emotional response which can take over the brain and sweep us along in the flood. Finding something to hang on to is the trick I have found.

I hope this has been helpful.

Mary