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Black dog returns & I still can't control it
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I've been quiet of late. One reason was going through all the Royal Commission stuff & another was I felt I didn't want to take people's time. I usually like to try & offer support but I'm sorry I haven't been great at that the past few weeks. Problem is I was kinda managing after the RC until this Friday when I woke up out of blue feeling the black dog had me trapped. I felt down, helpless, frustrated & guilty that I couldn't stop it. I've had a big pile of bills & paperwork which everyday I say I must do by tomorrow. Yet I get anxious & they don't get done. A few jobs I need to do but have this terrible immobilized feeling where I feel stuck, unable to do anything much. Why when I've been through this many times before can't I deal with it? Why am I so low & lost interest in most things. I feel like a loser. I had a plan to do something each day to improve my health as I'm very run down
It was simple day 1 drink water as I usually hardly drink any, day 2 go for walk get out house, day 3 start cutting be mess I'm overusing. And I bought all this healthy food to make a soup etc & I've done nothing. I just feel so worn out that everything is a massive effort. I'll get a check next time I see Dr but if I didn't have depression I'd think something serious was wrong due to my extreme fatigue. I hate losing all motivation. I hate how this illness can just hit out of nowhere. I just want to function & hopefully experience a feeling of true happiness again one day. I really don't know what to do when I feel this low. Do I sit it out? Do I try achieve something each day as hard as it may be? After all this time I still don't know what to do when an episode hits. Its as though all my abilities get taken away. I don't want to feel this low. I've got a heap to go through with a lawyer over next 12 months to seek apology & compensation from the church. I just want to be reassured my strength hasn't gone. And when I feel like this things get really hard at home, my husband goes around saying he's sick of it & I feel so much guilt for an illness I'm struggling to control. What to do when it hits?? Anyway I'm sorry I haven't been my regular self with my replies. Lve Mares x
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Mares, I didn't finish and somehow it was sent ......
I just hope that your daughter continues schooling. Is there a counsellor or welfare worker at the school that you can talk to.
I hope things work out Mares, chat again soon
Pls take care
Jo xx
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Dear Maresy
I’m sorry to hear about what your son said – but you DO know that he’s 100% wrong. He’s a 10yo boy who is only seeing things from a very blinkered point of view – it’s very sad to hear that your husband won’t stand up for you in such situations. He should be now the strong one who then reprimands your son for such awful behaviour. I would almost try to take one of his favourite things away for a little while – to make an example that he simply cannot speak to his Mum like that.
When we have these negative thoughts tumbling down on top of us, it’s pretty much all we can see – and to get out from under this is seemingly nigh on impossible.
In these times, it’s a matter of taking it hour by hour – break it down – don’t try for the day by day thing. You need to break it down to a more simpler format – and even less, if you feel able to do so. Half hour blocks; where you can possibly even try to do one thing a bit later on in the day – just small bits Mares.
It’s an awful feeling and please keep writing here – you know how much support you’ve got here – MASSES AND MASSES of it.
Always here for you,
Neil
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Dear friends this week the police turned up without notice about me making a statement so they could start their investigation into the abuse. Apparently they are not mandatory reports to DOCS as they don't want anything to affect their investigation. I said I'd Draft what I wanted in the statement & they will return this week to take me to a station & do it officially. I just need to get advice that I can withdraw my statement if I'm not able to face the abuser in court. And also the outcome of the civil case may well give me an indication of how strong the evidence is before having to face the trauma of court. I probably can't disclose much more about this matter given the serious stage it has got to-other than to say at times how I'm coping with it. Pity as this is my main support base. I've felt very overwhelmed by the whole process-its like a tunnel of darkness right now. And thinking of Xmas just feels like another pressure when usually I love Xmas. Guess I'm feeling very flat & scared my mood could drop big time without me seeing it coming which is how the last few bad episodes have happened. But I do know I'm very low as I'm not sleeping unless I take heavy medication & I'm struggling each day to even face having a shower & getting dressed. It takes so long to decide what to wear so admittedly I stay in my pj's all day & rarely leave the house's so shameful. Reading over what I've written I can see I'm not coping, functioning or engaging with life. In fact I'm struggling with things ranging from having a shower to dressing to deciding for at least an hour on what to wear. So yes I'm not in a great way, struggling & flat & isolated alone all day battling my thoughts. Hopefully things improve soon. Lve Mares xxx
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Dear Mares, you are such a kind and caring person. You are always answering posts and sending everyone on this forum hugs and providing people with small achievable steps to take when they are feeling low. I would love to have you as a friend because you are so genuine. You always put other people before yourself. You are struggling at the moment and I just wish that I could give you a big hug, tuck you into your bed and make you a lovely cup of tea. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave that would take all your pain away. Unfortunately none of us have one of those so we have to struggle on as best we can. You are a very brave women standing up to the church. Your children should be proud of you. I understand how difficult it is when your children do not respect who you are. Please know that as they get older they will be there for you and will provide that support. Better late than never.....
I have four children but only one lives at home now as the others are now young adults. Two of my children ( the girls) have struggled with mental health and have faced their own demons. The catholic school that they attended was extremely supportive. They were able to put things in place to help my daughters. Are you able to talk to the school and perhaps do the same. My daughter ( year 11) was given a time out card that she just needs to flash at teachers if she becomes overwhelmed. She can then go to a quiet room until she feels up to going back to class.
I don't mean to pry but is your daughter suffering anxiety or depression and finding it hard to go to school. Perhaps your son also has some undiagnosed condition. I only mention that as I gave my girls those genes. My youngest self-harms and has attempted suicide twice. She has not learnt any coping strategies. She now sees a psychologist through CAMHs which is free. Perhaps your son has anger issues that need to be addressed.
Please do not take anything I have said to heart. I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through with your children. I also understand how hard it is to deal with them when you are in the grips of your own depression and anxiety.
You are strong woman with a big heart. I hope that people on this site rally round and give you uplifting posts. I know they will as you have made many friends on this site.
Kind Regards
Terri
beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
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Dear Maresy
Thank you for your latest response, although it is tinged with sadness and hard times – very hard times.
This investigation process though it’s progressing must seem to you that it appears like it might never end – it must be so awfully difficult to deal with. I just wish that you had some support; someone who you could lean on and help you get through this.
Are you still able to have your counselling sessions and if so, are they being useful to provide you with coping mechanisms to get through??
Is hubby being able to provide you with assistance with the christmas things that will be popping up soon? I sure hope so.
Sending you a big hug Maresy
Neil
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Dear friends sorry I haven't been providing much support to others. Having a tough time. I'm preparing for the civil case against the priest who abused me but I've also had the police turn up out of the blue & continuing to contact me re making a statement. Apparently they are not mandatory reports to DOCS & IF I went ahead & signed a statement I'm agreeing to face my abuser in a court case which would be harrowing. What I've said is I want to deal with the civil case first because that would finish his career anyway & then assess the evidence before I decide on a criminal case. I kinda thought I was coping well but my 15yr old daughter is refusing to go to school at least 1-2 days a week & despite my efforts to talk to the school about the reasons-they just continue to say her absences are such that it should be reported to DOCS. My husband's been away a bit for work & all my family know I don't get angry-i may get very hurt or upset but I hold it in & always have-my kids had never seen me angry...until Saturday night when they were demanding to buy their own Xmas presents, telling me I'd run cc rap & refusing to even pick up a glass from all the mess they'd made. I don't know what happened to me-i just started crying & yelling that they were so selfish & treated me with no respect & maybe they'd be better with a different mum. I felt completely out of control & must of shocked my 10yr old son who rang his dad in Melbourne & put me on the phone & all he could say was he'd gone to Melbourne for the weekend for a relatives party & didn't appreciate being phoned by his son because I couldn't manage for 1 weekend. I cried myself to sleep then yesterday took the kids to do some xx mas shopping. He He came home last night around 5pm & hasn't even said hello. I know I'm anxious about Xmas as our families come here. But I expected some support. I've honestly never experienced the emotion & frustration & anger I displayed towards the kids. I've apologized etc but I still feel I'm just coping at a basic level & underneath I'm drowning in emotions. I so wanted to have a good Xmas as I always love it but right now it's just another pressure. I hope to feel better. I'm having to take more medication for anxiety & ahat has to stop. I'll keep trying to fight this but it's so awful when a storm hits you & all I feel is exhaustion. Lve Mares
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Hi Mary,
I am sorry you are struggling so much with all this. I apologise if I have confused you about mandatory reporting. Police are mandatory reporters when it comes to sexual abuse of children up to and including 17yo (in N.S.W.) Historical sexual abuse is not a mandatory report to D.O.C.S. and police do require a signed statement to pursue.
I am pretty sure we discussed this before but in both the civil and criminal jurisdictions the accused has a right to face his accuser. The only difference is that the standard of proof is lower in the civil jurisdiction (balance of probabilities) than criminal (beyond reasonable doubt). You would have to face him in the event he disputed the accusations. If he admits the offence/s it is not necessary. Sometimes (at least in N.S.W.) the criminal case can be put through the lower court as a "hand up brief" where your statement is included but you are not required to give evidence at that stage.
If the matter is "sent upstairs" to a district court, and your evidence is disputed, you would be required to give evidence. I am pretty sure (but not 100 percent sure) it is done remotely via video link but in any case you can ask the Crown Prosecutor.
In any case it is necessary for people accused of crimes to be allowed to defend themselves and it is a cornerstone of western legal systems. Of course people that molest others take full advantage of the system and a decision to fight is one only you can make.
As for you family, I understand you losing it and apologising, but what about them? Did any of them respond to your criticism or obvious distress? Do you have any support? I do not know if you will post again before Christmas but I hope you find a way to make it enjoyable for yourself.
Kind regards, John.
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Hi Mares
I’m really sorry to hear about what happened with you and your kids over the weekend – and just made it so much harder that your husband wasn’t home; and then made it even worse when he did come home as it appears he ignored you – went away for the weekend, “KNEW” that things went askew while he was gone and when he came home, he couldn’t even say “hello” to you. I’m really sorry to hear all of that – that’s rude, unfair and of absolutely no support to you.
I also don’t understand your school’s responses about reporting your daughter’s absences to DOCS – I’d be asking them to provide examples of what they mean – but again to me, that just seems unfair and not the way that a school, or teachers within the school should be dealing with such a thing.
It’s great that John is here on this site; to have his extensive knowledge of such things and to hear his advice is always first class.
Just two sleeps to go Maresy till the big guy in the red velvet suit arrives – I hope between now and then that things settle down a bit for you and that “on the day” you’ll find some time to enjoy things (I hope) and to try and even for a short time, put some of your stressors to the back of your mind.
Please take care
Neil
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Dear Maresy
Happy New Year to you my friend – & though post doesn’t indicate too much happiness, I really do hope that you can obtain some moments of joy & feel-good experiences along the journey of this year.
There’s a few things I’d like to touch on.
Firstly Maresy, we all know the terribly low & dark place that you’re in – so what I’m aiming to say here is “please don’t worry about us or the others on this site – you need to be focus 100% on yourself”. But each time I read that from you, where you’re sorry for not responding to others, it just confirms my belief that you really have a heart of gold & are so kind, considerate & caring; knowing only too well that you’re in a dark pit, & yet you still want to reach out & give support to others. Maresy, let us give support & encouragement to you.
It’s only early January, but do you have any counselling appointments planned in the next week or two?? And hey, whether you have or haven’t, always KNOW 100% that you can post here & you’ll receive responses back – to try to advise to the best of our ability & to provide support as well.
I’m so pleased you were able to spend some time with your son – & quality time at that. It sounded like it was a ‘win-win’ situation for both of you – do you think that you could set aside some time, that might be convenient to you both where you can arrange to do something the same or similar in the coming weeks, etc? It might even give your mind a bit of a breather for a while
You’re also overwhelmed by your goals. My thoughts - goal setting shouldn’t become daunting or being overwhelmed by them). My thought would be to break them down into much smaller achievable goals. For example, you want to change your life or so many things that you want to do to change it. Here you can break it down to pick out, say one or two things & go away & do what you need to do to work on those. Also you mentioned about getting out of bed, dressed & deal with the day. Again break it down – forget about the day part – focussing each morning to get out of bed, say have a shower & change into some clothes – then you’re done. If you do other things during the day, then that’s a bonus. But it’s about repetition here – do it day & repetition will become a routine, that after a while, you won’t even have to think about it; you’ll just do it.
Run out of characters.
Chat again soon
Neil
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