Black dog returns & I still can't control it

[Mares73]

Dear friends 

I've been quiet of late. One reason was going through all the Royal Commission stuff & another was I felt I didn't want to take people's time. I usually like to try & offer support but I'm sorry I haven't been great at that the past few weeks. Problem is I was kinda managing after the RC until this Friday when I woke up out of blue feeling the black dog had me trapped. I felt down, helpless, frustrated & guilty that I couldn't stop it. I've had a big pile of bills & paperwork which everyday I say I must do by tomorrow. Yet I get anxious & they don't get done. A few jobs I need to do but have this terrible immobilized feeling where I feel stuck, unable to do anything much. Why when I've been through this many times before can't I deal with it? Why am I so low & lost interest in most things. I feel like a loser. I had a plan to do something each day to improve my health as I'm very run down

 It was simple day 1 drink water as I usually hardly drink any, day 2 go for walk get out house, day 3 start cutting be mess I'm overusing. And I bought all this healthy food to make a soup etc & I've done nothing. I just feel so worn out that everything is a massive effort. I'll get a check next time I see Dr but if I didn't have depression I'd think something serious was wrong due to my extreme fatigue. I hate losing all motivation. I hate how this illness can just hit out of nowhere. I just want to function & hopefully experience a feeling of true happiness again one day. I really don't know what to do when I feel this low. Do I sit it out? Do I try achieve something each day as hard as it may be? After all this time I still don't know what to do when an episode hits. Its as though all my abilities get taken away. I don't want to feel this low. I've got a heap to go through with a lawyer over next 12 months to seek apology & compensation from the church. I just want to be reassured my strength hasn't gone. And when I feel like this things get really hard at home, my husband goes around saying he's sick of it & I feel so much guilt for an illness I'm struggling to control. What to do when it hits?? Anyway I'm sorry I haven't been my regular self with my replies. Lve Mares x

[geoff]

dear Mares, I have read your post but it's now a a bad time for me to respond as it's my time to log off, but I will reply tomorrow morning, I'm sorry for this and I apologise so very much. L Geoff. x

[GrabAVoice]

Hi Mares,  Day by day, slow and steady.  Have you got a friend you can turn to? If you do can the two of you just go for a little walk.  Trying to get a little bit of exercise and fresh air can help.  Are you seeing someone to talk to?  Talk to your GP and get a referral to someone to talk to on a regular basis.  Quite often our loads can be lightened in just having the opportunity to share a little of our worries.  And do you know what??? it is nice to get another perspective sometimes on things - If you can't get to see someone then always remember that bb have a help line that you can call to chat with - PH  1300 22 4636.   Be gentle on yourself Mares, take care and keep in touch. xx

[Damaged]

Hey Mary.

So sorry to hear you are struggling so much at the moment. I can relate to so much of what you are saying though.

I feel pretty much the same way. I can feel like I am making progress at times and then out of nowhere it hits me, some times over the smallest things and I am back to thinking that there is no hope and life is over for me. I still really don’t know how to deal with it either. And yeah I know its no way to live.

 Over the last month or so I have been able to ride it out which isn’t easy .The dark feelings always pass sooner or later though I know its only a matter of time before they resurface. Its just a cycle that for now I have kind of gotten used to though I am a long way from being happy. I wish I could be more supportive though I do know how you feel. Just try to hang in there. I know it’s hard, it feels like that’s all I’ve been doing for years 🙂   I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and the depression passes. I will be thinking of you while I am at work.

Big Hug,

 Love Matthew. 

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Mares, 

You say you haven't been here, but you supported me on my thread. I'm not super special, so you have been here, you have been helping.

On to you. I too get a waves of depression, sometimes with triggers but more often without. It feels frustrating because you think you are good enough, strong enough that it won't happen again. But it does. Not because we aren't strong enough, but because it WILL happen. Don't think of it as losing to experience it, change the goal posts. Think of surviving it as winning. That is at least what I do.

Depression wants you to do nothing. It may be beyond your capacity to do the pile of ironing, or sort and reply to the pile of paperwork. But don't look at it as a pile. Look at it as one letter at a time. Everyday,  just read one letter. The rest can wait. You don't need to do it all today. Baby steps, Mares, baby steps.

As for the RC stuff, I don't have experience. I have been through property settlement. My only advice would be get the lawyer to do as much as they are willing to do, so you don't have to. Get them to call you, not you call them, things like that. 

As always I am here for you, Mares, whenever you need me. You have been through a traumatic time and you deserve a time out, a bit of an easier time. I would give it to you if I could. 

I can listen. You are strong,  resourceful and resillient. This is just the illness, not a reflection on you. 

GA

[geoff]

dear Mares, you are putting too much pressure on yourself, because once you feel as though you can't do one chore, then you think to yourself about everything else that you have to do, so the list builds up, and then because of this you then think that it's just hopeless, and then pulling yourself down as low as you can.

You can't possibly achieve everything at once, your husband is of no help, so psychologically he is no support, whereas he should be your base for support, just like the foundations of a house, which is something which needs to be strong to hold the house steady, so in other words you have no foundations.

It's impossible for you to cope with all of this at once, the RC, the lawyer and then all the chores at home, and if your husband is of no help, then take your time to do what you need to do, take this pressure of you. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hey there Maresy

Great to hear from you.  Not so great though my friend to hear that all is not good.  😞

But I still consider it a good day when I see your name on the threads here.  🙂

You’ve received some really lovely posts and GA’s was particularly good – with the breaking down of the things that you’ve got to do.  Just tiny bits at a time.  The rest can wait.

Can I change around your list just a tiny bit though.  Tick very good (tick vg) for item No. 1 – drink water and then drink some more water.  Could you then move to Item 2, the part about eating properly (healthily) – get those two Item’s happening and then that is like you’ve basically filled your car up with petrol, checked the oil and water and you’re ready to move along.  The inner workings of the body can play a bit part in how we feel mentally.  Just some thoughts for you.

The RC thing will be a bit issue for you over the coming months etc – but would it be fair to say that you’ve hopefully been through the most difficult part?  I hope I’m ok with saying this – as in, for all the distress and awful things that happened, you possibly don’t have to bring those up again – and it will be a matter of the RC moving on all that’s been presented and dealing with it as such.  I hope so.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi Mary

I am not much for words - but I want to say that I am here for you.  Pls don't be too hard on yourself, you have been through a very traumatic time with the RC and you need to ease up a little.  Like the others have said - slow baby steps, even if it's just making something to eat; pls try Mary; I know you can do it.

These dark times hit us all and we know that it will get better; the storm will pass.

I am thinking of you so much and hope that you feel a little better today.  I, as well as our other friends on here, are all here for you to help you get through this tough time; to support you and to send you big hugs.

Take care my friend

Jo xx

[Mares73]

Dear friends I just came online to see how others were, not expecting any responses to me so than you all from the bottom of my heart. GA you are so right-its like having an invisible fight & the other side keeps winning ie the depression not wanting me to do anything but to stay trapped. I wish I could get angry sometimes. In a positive way-every professional I've seen says I internalize & hold in my feelings. I haven't had the confidence much in life to externals things or express anger that is pent up deep inside. I'm a self punisher, my biggest critic, the one whose always at fault. I struggle to get the confidence to challenge this. Yet I need too. Neil I don't take care of even basic self ie I'm lucky to drink a glass of water a day yet I survive on coffee & cigarettes-bad I know. I have barely any apatite & at most eat a small dinner & my mentality for this is that the antipsychotics cause significant weight gain. And yet medically I don't fit the criteria for them as I've never been psychotic & have pure depression, anxiety &  post traumatic stress. Yet my Dr prescribed them as an off label sleep aid & I tried to stop them last week & had such a bad reaction I'm bk on them.I don't put barely any effort into looking after my basic needs. And the royal commission has me on a roughly 12 month process. The Commissioner did say to me in the session I had to really think about going further in terms of the emotional toll it will have. But I came this far, I can't let it all go now when I have a chance to potentially save other girls at a school he's working at. That's the limitation of the Commission-they hear stories to improve the future practices but they aren't set up to investigate my claims & take action. I need to seek justice- to expose him & protect others. And yes I'll have to relive it all & the Priest gets to respond to my claims but I never have to see him & if he try to contact me I'd be able to get something like an AVO. So a long road ahead & I'm just trying to get thru each day & waking at 4am isn't helping. I'm running on nervous adrenaline & it's an awful feeling. I'm anxious & jumpy. I have to do much by end tomorrow as its unpaid bills, debt recovery etc simply that escalated because I didn't address the matters as they initially arose. So I'm begging for sleep tonight so tomorrow I can achieve what I need to. GA & Jo I've posted, Neil&Geoff can't see post? GAV I'll look for u.  &Matthew on my mind post ASAP. Lve &hugs X Mary (Mares)

[Neil_1]

Dear Maresy

If you feel the need to unload and vent, and feel ok to do it, then please please come here and do it.

You know we'll always be here for you.

I'm so sorry that this RC thing is going to be such a drawn out and no doubt it's going to be an emotionally draining exercise as well.  It's a shame that they can't stop this guy from working where he is now - considering you'd think that they've have enough evidence to stop him and his mongrel ways.

I know it's hard to do, but please Mares, try to keep helping yourself - in that, try to keep looking after yourself.

Take care my friend

Neil