Black dog returns & I still can't control it

[Mares73]

Dear friends 

I've been quiet of late. One reason was going through all the Royal Commission stuff & another was I felt I didn't want to take people's time. I usually like to try & offer support but I'm sorry I haven't been great at that the past few weeks. Problem is I was kinda managing after the RC until this Friday when I woke up out of blue feeling the black dog had me trapped. I felt down, helpless, frustrated & guilty that I couldn't stop it. I've had a big pile of bills & paperwork which everyday I say I must do by tomorrow. Yet I get anxious & they don't get done. A few jobs I need to do but have this terrible immobilized feeling where I feel stuck, unable to do anything much. Why when I've been through this many times before can't I deal with it? Why am I so low & lost interest in most things. I feel like a loser. I had a plan to do something each day to improve my health as I'm very run down

 It was simple day 1 drink water as I usually hardly drink any, day 2 go for walk get out house, day 3 start cutting be mess I'm overusing. And I bought all this healthy food to make a soup etc & I've done nothing. I just feel so worn out that everything is a massive effort. I'll get a check next time I see Dr but if I didn't have depression I'd think something serious was wrong due to my extreme fatigue. I hate losing all motivation. I hate how this illness can just hit out of nowhere. I just want to function & hopefully experience a feeling of true happiness again one day. I really don't know what to do when I feel this low. Do I sit it out? Do I try achieve something each day as hard as it may be? After all this time I still don't know what to do when an episode hits. Its as though all my abilities get taken away. I don't want to feel this low. I've got a heap to go through with a lawyer over next 12 months to seek apology & compensation from the church. I just want to be reassured my strength hasn't gone. And when I feel like this things get really hard at home, my husband goes around saying he's sick of it & I feel so much guilt for an illness I'm struggling to control. What to do when it hits?? Anyway I'm sorry I haven't been my regular self with my replies. Lve Mares x

[Darkness_amp_Beyound]

Hi Mares,

Sometimes I think of life as a dance. There are days where we take steps forward and days where there are only backward steps, and some where they go in circles the in entire time. I have two children myself. One is 15 the other is 20.. my oldest wants nothing to do with me. My youngest.. well I am sure he will no matter how hard i fight pay some price for the way i am. 

I do not know your story well, i am sorry for that. Being fairly new here i float on here many days unseen... not brave enough to open a door... not brave enough to put my hand up high and say hey i need help. But you Mares... you are brave and wonderful. Through your own pain you are thinking of so many other children, and the need to protect as many as you can. Please do not discount the fact your son most likely understands more than you realize. You are human, and he knows that.. and sure he like all children can say things that may be hurtful to us, but there heart is pure. 

I am learning.. everyday learning.. that the physical pain of depression leaves you not seeing the sunlight on the other side of the door... Perhaps until you can, bring some sunlight inside.. 

Have a mini 'disco' at home with just you and your son and hubby.. and other children if there is.. have a  "junk food night" and dance in your pjs.. even for 5 minutes. 

I wish you all the best, Mares. Thank you for standing up for the many that cannot do it for themselves. xx

[Jo3]

Dear Mares

I wish there was something I could do for you, even if it was just to be with you and make you a nice warm tea. To just sit with you and chat, boy we would have a lot to chat about.

You are so strong Mares, I wish I was like you - so strong and so brave to deal with the RC.  I just want to say that I always think of you and I want you to know that you are a friend to me.

Jo xxx

[Damaged]

Hi Mary.

Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time at the moment. I am sure the royal commission situation must be overwhelming .A year is a long time to have that hanging over your head.  I don’t think I would be able to handle it at all. I wish there was something I could do to be more supportive. Just know I am always here. I hope things will get better for you soon.

Thinking of you.

Love Matthew xoxo  

[Mares73]

Dear friends I haven't been on here got at least a week. Been in the "shut myself down" mode. I'm getting calls from the lawyers wanting to progress accuse but I've been avoiding it because the next stop is making a police statement on the a abuse & I'm so nervous about that. I know I have to word it very carefully so I might try start writing some Draft statements until I've got one I'm comfortable with & then hopefully I can use that as a basis. I don't think I had any idea what I was getting myself into when I went to the Royal Commission. It seems unfair they don't take up the abuse with DOCS given the priest is still working in a school with children. But no the onus is on me to makeaa police report which will trigger a Docs inquiry whilst meanwhile I'm doing all the work to protect other young girls. But I've received no apology or anything. If it wasn't for the fact I feel a responsibility to other young girls-i wouldn't go through all this because it's harrowing. Also last week my husband went far his 3 monthly checkup with the leukemia specialist & blood tests showed his white count to be way too low so the oncologist is doing tests & we will know this week if it's bad news. My husband isn't taking it well but won't admit it. He's just moody & grumpy. I  don't know how I'd cope this time if the leukemia is back because we've already been told if it comes back that a stem cell transplant would be the only option. And apparently it's very hard to finda donor. Family membwrs rarely match. I feel unmotivated, disinterested & unable to concentrate so I bought myself a pile of women's trashy gossip magazines. My local Gp whose really just a script writer wasn't in the other day so I saw a different Dr who was very good & gave me the details ofa trauma counsellor. He also agreed being on antidepressants & a anti psychotic for sleep (when I don't fit the criteria for a anti psychotic) as well as a stimulant & also sedatives was a lot of medication & each were opposing each other-so it's no wonder If feel so fatigued. He suggested I get a 2nd psychiatrists opinion. I think I'll look into the trauma counselor & see how my husband's tests go & then look into a medication review. I guess we all have to just hold on & accept we are on a roller coaster that could give us a terrifying ride or a calm serene one where we can see & feel the beauty of life. It's a scary ride at the moment.  Lve Mares x

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Mary,

It is good to see you posting. I hope your husband's situation is manageable.

Regarding your police statement, do not worry too much. Your matter will be handled by Detectives, and probably Detectives that specialise in such matters. (That may depend a bit on where you live and if such resources are local. Country towns rarely have access to specialist units at an initial complaint taking level.) But the Police will be experienced.

Experienced Police are usually very good at making concise but accurate statements. They just need you to tell them what happened and they will summarise it in writing, this will be your statement.

I have little experience in complex sexual assault statement taking but a lot in other serious investigations. Usually the statement will be an introduction into who you are and your age, in this case probably if you are married and so on.

Then each incident will usually be done chronologically, so once you have finished recounting a situation it is done, you can focus on the next. Still traumatic for you but better than jumping around between incidents.

The Police will be mindful of your trauma and you need only request breaks to compose yourself or get a drink or have a smoke etc, if they don't offer the breaks to you often enough.

It may help you to just make some short notes, particularly surrounding times, dates, places, offender/s (both description and identity if you know it), potential witnesses or people you complained to at the time. There are special case law decisions (in N.S.W. at least but probably elsewhere) concerning the admissibility of hearsay evidence regarding first complaint of sexual assault. In any case, it isn't your worry what might be evidentiary, just give as much details as you can.

Of course, Police are mandatory notifiers to DoCS so your statement/complaint will trigger a notification to DoCS and get that ball rolling. You may well find the Church will not apologise unless and until they absolutely have no other choice. An apology in legal matters is usually seen as an admission of culpability and opens the door for compensation. You know the Church hate to see money going OUT.

I hope this has been of some help. I am thinking of you.

Kind regards, John.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mares

Good to hear from you again even under such difficult circumstances. I had not realised your husband was ill. Such a huge worry for both of you, especially with an illness like leukemia. I hope all will go well.

Please use John's advice. He clearly knows what he is talking about. You will not be expected to do all the work on your own. As John says, the police are there to help you.

On the other hand the church will not help and will in fact hinder you as much as possible. This is hugely disappointing given its role in the community.

The doctor you saw sounds like a huge improvement on your usual doc.  Why not swop over. If one doc does not give good service, move on to another. A medication review sounds great. Would this be the GP or the psychiatrist?  My GP just upped my ADs, at my request I am stunned to say. Never thought I would suggest more medication. But I am feeling much better.

I wish you well with the trauma counselor. Sounds like a great idea. That roller coaster is scary. I hate it when I realise that's where I am. Having a little peace and quiet at the moment.

Take care of yourself Mares and let us know how it all goes.

Love

Mary

[geoff]

dear Mares, it's all pretty traumatic, but remember what you are doing, your protecting future children, and by saying this we know what you have to go through, even though I haven't been through this experience myself.

What John has said is from a ex-policeman, he knows the agenda and what will happen, so when your being interviewed he will be there, so take a pause nd have a thought of what he has said.

I'm sure that the detectives will be kind and thoughtful, and there maybe a female one, so that will be reassuring.

If you can try and associate each problem separately, that is your husband and the RC, it will be so hard I know, but they both can get confusing, but are just as important.

Remember Mares this is what you set out to do, and if you hadn't then you would always be thinking 'I should have done it'. L Geoff. x

[Jo3]

Dear Mares

I really feel for you.  I wish there was something I could do for you. I agree with what John, Mary & Geoff have said.

Stay strong and remember you are doing this for all the children that have been sexually abused and to protect all future children.

Jo xxx

[Mares73]

Hi dear friends,

the last few weeks i was getting by & coping with life in general. Yet I had still avoided following up with the lawyer to progress my case-i kept procrastinating about it & still haven't done it. Today however I woke up feeling as though I was in a dark tunnel, immobilized & lacking motivation.

My 15yr old daughter has needed a fair bit of money lately for parties & things. She has one tomorrow & asked if she could go to the cheap shoe stores so I gave her $50. She argued it wasn't enough & went off to school with my credit card. My 10yr old son wouldn't get ready & go to school no matter what & he said I was a lazy cow who did nothing then went & locked himself in his room where he remains. I just started crying, I felt so low in myself that my kids have such a low opinion of me. I feel unable to shift myself from these awful feelings, unable to think of what practical action I can take as I know too well what will probably happen-ill spend the day in tears aimless in the house unable to do anything. I hate such days.

My husband sees the kids behavior as a problem between me & them & won't talk or listen when I ask for his support. My daughter is very bright but is going to a Catholic School where she doesn't care what time she arrives, her attendance is at the point it could be reported to DOCS & her tutor has told me she learnt the entire semesters math in a 1hr session with him. So I don' t know what to do. She's in Year 10 next year & we don't have many schools in our area. The other Catholic School can't take her until year 11. This is worrying me as she's so bright but unmotivated as the teachers aren't challenging her.
I feel like I'm crashing today. I can only hope it's a short episode. There's so much I need to do yet I feel completely stuck, unable to do anything but the basics. I've forgotten what to do when I feel this low, I just waste days stuck living in my head with all its negative thoughts. Do I accept it for a day & if I'm still like this tomorrow force myself to do things?
I feel so lost & lonely. Love Mares

[Girl_Anachronism]

Thinking of you.

 GA