Black dog returns & I still can't control it

Mares73 · ‎21-09-2014

Dear friends

I've been quiet of late. One reason was going through all the Royal Commission stuff & another was I felt I didn't want to take people's time. I usually like to try & offer support but I'm sorry I haven't been great at that the past few weeks. Problem is I was kinda managing after the RC until this Friday when I woke up out of blue feeling the black dog had me trapped. I felt down, helpless, frustrated & guilty that I couldn't stop it. I've had a big pile of bills & paperwork which everyday I say I must do by tomorrow. Yet I get anxious & they don't get done. A few jobs I need to do but have this terrible immobilized feeling where I feel stuck, unable to do anything much. Why when I've been through this many times before can't I deal with it? Why am I so low & lost interest in most things. I feel like a loser. I had a plan to do something each day to improve my health as I'm very run down

It was simple day 1 drink water as I usually hardly drink any, day 2 go for walk get out house, day 3 start cutting be mess I'm overusing. And I bought all this healthy food to make a soup etc & I've done nothing. I just feel so worn out that everything is a massive effort. I'll get a check next time I see Dr but if I didn't have depression I'd think something serious was wrong due to my extreme fatigue. I hate losing all motivation. I hate how this illness can just hit out of nowhere. I just want to function & hopefully experience a feeling of true happiness again one day. I really don't know what to do when I feel this low. Do I sit it out? Do I try achieve something each day as hard as it may be? After all this time I still don't know what to do when an episode hits. Its as though all my abilities get taken away. I don't want to feel this low. I've got a heap to go through with a lawyer over next 12 months to seek apology & compensation from the church. I just want to be reassured my strength hasn't gone. And when I feel like this things get really hard at home, my husband goes around saying he's sick of it & I feel so much guilt for an illness I'm struggling to control. What to do when it hits?? Anyway I'm sorry I haven't been my regular self with my replies. Lve Mares x

Damaged · ‎24-09-2014

Hi Mary. How are you?

I know what you mean about finding happiness. It seems like it is so far out if reach sometimes. Sometimes I feel the only way to get through life without getting hurt is to block out all emotions and not let anyone in.

Orange is the new Black is out on DVD. It’s worth a look of you like a dark kind of humour. I like to watch a lot of movies, pretty much anything but romantic comedy’s, they are pretty painful to watch alone.:)

I really liked Lone Survivor. It’s a war movie though worth a look. And Transcendence was good too.

As for the other questions. I have one brother though we don’t really speak very often. I am Australian and fit and healthy. As far as how old I was when I first had depression, I feel like it’s always been there really. Right from when I was very young. Looking back I put most of the blame on my Father who used to drink a lot and was very angry most of the time so that is what I grew up with. I realise now that he struggled with anxiety and depression his whole life. So I guess history repeats itself.

Thanks for checking in. I hope you are doing ok, don’t be too hard on yourself and just remember to breathe.

Hope to hear from you soon. Love Matthew.

Mares73 · ‎03-10-2014

Dear friends reading through the posts today I started thinking of the enormity of this illness & how so many of us suffer alone in that it's hardly a social topic or others just couldn't relate to what it's possibly like to battle our demons each day. I've been really anxious lately. Almost wakeup like that & so the day ahead is full of fear. It stops me from doing all the things I want & need to do. I just feel overwhelmed. And I feel resigned to life this way. But that's no life just going through the motions. I'd give anything to truly experience feeling happy, hopeful & positive about my future. Yet my thoughts get overwhelmed with anxiety or guilt. I'm always thinking I should be better at things. I fear new experiences thinking I wouldn't be good at them. I avoid & escape. Always in fight or flight mode. And self blame for anything that affects others. Is it just always going to feel this lonely & sad? I've done a few things with my kids these holidays & their reaction has made me so sad. They have been amazed I've played games with them, done things they wanted to do. Both kids have said to me "mum it's so good to do things with you instead of only playing with Dad". And they've asked why I don't often participate in the things they do with their Dad. So I've felt really bad about that. I'm the one they come to for everything else. But playing & visiting people etc is not something I've participated in much. I have such low self esteem & it dominates my life. How do I have a better life & be happy? How do I feel more hope & less fear? How do I feel of about myself? Therapy hasn't helped. I'm lost as to what to do. Reading "The Happiness Trap" in hope of ideas. I really do try. Im not good at valuing or taking care of myself. Still struggle with things like drinking water, eating regularly. Yet i have such a deep fatigue most of time. Like i have to really push myself to get things done & its simply because of this real fatigue. Is it me, is it the meds or do i need a checkup. See i cant even work that out. Im sick of having no energy. Im sick of how i am & want to be better.I know i have reallly high cortisol levels so that woudnt help. But its inner peace im searching for, seems like i always have. Really stuck as to how to accept myself. Keep feeling stuck in a rut. Lve Mares x

Girl_Anachronism · ‎05-10-2014

Hi Mares,

My tablet has frozen twice this morning, so I will make this quick.

I just wanted to say as much I am struggling, I am thinking of you this morning. I worried for you.

The only bit of advice I have is that if you are feeling low on energy, a check up with your gp can't hurt. At least then you'll know if its something organic or not. I am doing the same at the moment as I am not physically well, though it could be the whole not eating thing on my end.

I wish I had more advice for you, but all I can say is I am here to listen if you need me.

GA

CrashCoyote · ‎15-10-2014

Just wanted to send you a big hug..............

Mares73 · ‎16-10-2014

Dear John thank you for your beautiful message. I don't write as much lately. I guess I've been in my cocoon but I have been as active as possible in trying to offer words of comfort to others. There seems to have been a great increase in people new to the forums over the past few months so I try to make sure no one is left without a response. As for me-i didn't find going to the Royal Commission closure. The Commissioner literally listens to your story, asks a few questions & then thanked me & said the purpose of the Commission is to inform future changes & practices in the Church. I was very surprised that despite me expressing concern that the Priest in question was still working in a school, that the Commissioner said action falls outside the Terms of Reference & warned me to think carefully before taking the matter further-legally & by police report. I couldn't live knowing he could still be harming young girls. So after nearly getting the wool pulled over my eyes by several dodgy lawyers, I was very fortunate to learn the esteemed John Ellis would meet with me. So that happens next week. I get anxious & upset when having to really focus on my experience but otherwise I've taught myself it may be a lengthy process -I was told up to a year-to progress to a closure. So I put it to the side in my mind & try to only be affected by it when I have to talk about it.My biggest challenges right now a are dealing with anxiety as I wake up with it & become immobalised-lose motivation, procrasyinate, isolate & spend way too many days stuck in the house just wasting the day away. I need a strict routine I think that I force myself to follow. Because I'm not living life or experiencing anything. And I'm avoiding simple things that need doing like phone calls. I'm wasting my life through anxiety immobilizing me. No wonder I can't recall being happy as I'm not doing anything but hanging around the house lonely & lost. Then I beat myself up with guilt & criticism. I just don't know where to start to get out of this trap. I'm going to run out of Word allowance. I actually feel glad I've been honest & opened up in this ms. Beats living in my head. Hope to hear from you. And my other friends I miss you & wonder each day how you are. My friendships here mean so much to me. How together out of my rutt? Ideas very appreciated. Lve Mary (Mares) xxx

CrashCoyote · ‎16-10-2014

Hi Mary,

I know there is so much going on for you and I hope you are able to draw some comfort from the many replies to your post. We miss you when you aren't on! It is all very tricky, isn't it? Breaking bad habits like poor eating, living on smokes and coffee, being sedentary.

I notice how often I eat well through the day, low sugar, low fat, highfibre and low GI breakfast. Good lunch, soup of sandwich. Lots and lots of water. (Except for booze, I rarely drink anything else.) Then it is night time. I watch tv, spiral down, start eating everything I can lay my hands on and a few nights a week, drink heavily. I know the pattern well.

Today I tried to modify it. Usual boring breakfast (untoasted oats and low fat milk), plenty of water and then I grabbed that black dog and took him for a walk for an hour. Nothing special, I just made sure I exercised. After I get off here I'm going outside to do some gardening and then tonight will work on stage two, not eating and drinking myself to death! It is only day one and I have failed so many times before, but I'll try.

I'm hoping you might make a little change if you can. First, really try to drink some (read lots of) water. Coffee is a diuretic and your kidneys, liver, joints and other parts of you really benefit from water. Try to do two litres a day, which is only about four of those bottled waters you can buy at supermarkets for about 30 cents each. I sip at them all day and easily do six of them! Obviously tap water will do if you can drink it in your area. Get a plastic bottle and just refill it.

Second, get your black dog on a leash and take it for a walk. There is no substitute for exercise and sunlight. Who knows, we might run into each other in the neighbourhood!

Take care, Mary. I'm in the crowd keeping our eye on you. Kind regards, John.

CrashCoyote · ‎16-10-2014

You are super special.

Jo3 · ‎16-10-2014

Hi Mary

I hope you don't think I have forgotten you, because I haven't. I think of you all the time and wonder how you are. It's just that sometimes I am in my "own little world" and don't really know what to say to others on here.

I feel sometimes like a fraud who doesn't reply to people. But I am a truly caring person who cares for others especially ones who are struggling with a mental illness. And Mary I just want to say that I care about you, what you have been through is the most toughest thing anyone could do.

Pls take care and you will always be my friend

Jo xxx

ps. I love your little dog!! So cute.

Mares73 · ‎30-10-2014

Dear friends apart from trying to reach out to others new & in need, I have been quiet about my own circumstances. As most know I attended the Royal Commission into serial abuse in Catholic church to tell my story of abuse. I felt no closure despite doing this as I learnt that the Commissions role is to hear accounts which will contribute to better policy in the Church. The Commission didn't have investigatory powers so I walked out empty knowing my perpetrator was still working with kids in a country catholic school. I couldn't live with myself knowing this & not doing something to help protect the children. So last week I met with a lawyer whose going to take up my case. It will take approx a year as the Church does their own investigation & the priest gets to respond to my allegations. First step though is reporting to police which is mandatory. It's been a roller coaster & I'm anxious about the whole thing. I feel like I've retreated into my shell again & spend aimless days where I pre plan what I'll do-only to wake with anxiety & achieve nothing so that by the end of the day I'm depressed. I'm really struggling with motivation. I wish so much I could achieve something concrete each day. I have unopened mail, endless lists of things to do & calls to make yet I say I'm lonely & isolated-which I am-but surely achieving some things would make me feel better. I feel hopeless, hindered by a sense of "being stuck" & unable to do anything. I don't think spending everyday alone isolated with no real purpose would help. I'm lucky to ever have a conversation with anyone yet I could reach out to others if I had the motivation & confidence. I'm sad today, wondering if this is how it will always be. Like this morning I said to my 10th old son I was too sick with bronchitis to go to his school disco but his Dad would take him & he replied "yeah I knew it mum it's no surprise". I felt hurt & guilty. Despite all the positive feedback I got from the psychologist about how I was treating him etc I still feel if he ends up having issues when his older it will be my fault. I hate having little control over when the darkness will envelop me. I just want to feel some forms of happiness & motivation to engage in the world. I'm feeling lost yet I try so hard. X Mares

Girl_Anachronism · ‎30-10-2014

Hi Mares,

I feel for you so much, as you went through so much to get justice and only found that justice wasn't going to happen via that mechanism. Now you are trying to get justice, and it is an incredible act of strength to do so. It is no wonder you may feel you are backsliding in terms of symptoms. Doing so difficult must take all of your strength, with nothing left care for yourself with.

I do hope you are doing things to care for yourself, even if it is little things. You do deserve them, as much as you may feel that you don't.

Someone from one of my therapy groups once said a an adage from her grandmother which has stuck with me. It goes:

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

I know its impossible not to worry, but try focus on the present moment and what you can do today. Maybe you don't have a great relationship with your son now, but you are trying. There will come a time when you can make that your number one priority and focus all your strength on that. In the mean time you can do little things maybe. Go shopping with him for a nice shirt for the disco, maybe.

I'd also suggest writing what you feel now, what is going on now in a series of letters to your son. When he is older and you are in a more stable place, you can show them to him, even if he can't talk to you at the time. Maybe it will help him understand.

My mum wrote a similar letter about the day I was born and the problems that followed and gave it to me last christmas. It contained everything she could never say out loud and I have kept it because it means so much to me.

I wish I could be there for you now, Mares, as you face what feels like another mountain while travelling already rocky territory. The good news is that you have already climbed one mountain. You can climb this next one.

Your friend,

GA