Being enough

[Zaba]

I think often about the saying ‘you are enough’ and wonder what it takes to actually believe it. When I was growing up I had a brother 13 years older than me who was a violent paranoid schizophrenic. I carry a lot of resentment towards my parents and older siblings for being neglected, ignored and dismissed during that time. Where they ‘coped’ by leaving home, drinking and drugs, from a young age I was usually left alone with him or unable to stir my parents if anything happened. I’ve blocked out much of my memories before I was 15/16. Because of this I struggle with how I see myself. No matter what I’ve achieved in life, with my career and own family, there’s always a voice that says I’m not worthy of love or respect. It’s the foundation for my depression and anxiety but I just didn’t know how to change something so old and ingrained. 

[therising]

Hi Zaba

My heart goes out to you as your desire to move beyond not being enough grows stronger. I feel for you so deeply, given that child in you who struggled so much and worked so hard to the best of their ability, while being neglected in such a heartbreaking way at the same time.

I'm a gal who believes we can naturally discover who we are beyond the influences that have formed us or reformed us into who we don't wish to be. So much analysis and emotion involved in such self discovery. Questions such as 'How powerful was I really, as a child (with a child's limited knowledge and experience)?'. 'Very powerful' would be the answer, to be managing such challenges alone. Raising your consciousness/opening your mind in order to find ways that work, raising yourself to action in regard to your physical well being and finding ways to raise your spirits in order to manage the sadness and stress all points to how strong you were as a child in the way of mind, body and spirit.

I recall something my 17yo son said to me when he was very young. Btw, he's a natural born sage. He said 'Ask me any question and I'll give you the answer', I thought okay and asked 'How can I be a better person?'. He appeared reflective before giving me what I needed to know...'You already are a better person'. I think we can lose sight of exactly how far we've come, how much greater we've become based on our efforts to love our self to life more. To love our self into becoming more conscious, to love our self into the ways of opening the mind, to love our self into being all we can possibly be (despite the things that shaped us through our suffering) points to self love being in personal evolution. In evolution there is love (reverse the first 4 letters). In personal evolution there is self love. We can be loving our self all along, evolving our self in incredible ways, through and beyond pain, through and beyond challenge, through and beyond stress, disappointment and heartbreak etc yet only see this upon reflection.

Based on how far you've come, it sounds like you've been loving yourself all along without having actually felt it. I hope you become able to feel it ❤️

[yggdrasil]

Hi Zaba,

Thank you so much for posting on here. I really related to what you have written as I had a very similar childhood.

One thing that really helped me work through the sorts of feelings and thought patterns you've described is "Schema Therapy" (ST). This is a very mainstream therapy used on Psych. wards etc in Australia. It basically involves doing a deep dive into the patterns of thoughts/feelings/behaviours you want to change, and progressively getting better at catching the early warning signs of these patterns and redirecting yourself before they get too out of hand.

Have you ever considered seeing a psychologist regularly? You can see one bulk billed if you visit your GP and ask to set up a "mental health care plan". Lots of psychologists practice schema therapy, and other therapies you may find better suited, e.g. "acceptance and commitment therapy" (ACT), which relates to the "being enough" idea you mentioned.

The other thing that helped me a lot with these feelings was exploring different spiritual practices. I'm a scientist and had no religious presence growing up, so this was very strange and awkward at first. But I feel I have gained a lot from it. I think love, of others and of yourself, along with doing good in the world, is at the heart of pretty much all the spiritual traditions, and I have found there is a different conception of "self", and of your own "worth" and achievements and what not, that reframes a lot of this stuff in healthier ways.

I hope the coming week is kinder to you! All the best, 

yggdrasil