Been in denial, finally admitting I have an illness

[PCBeach]

Hi... I am 35 years old and I have been through tough 4 years. From my marriage ending, losing a baby, being first on the scene to a traffic accident where she died in front of me.... and through it all, I've managed to deal with it myself (and family support and a psychologist)

My GP and Psych have been gently recommending anti-depressant medication to me for the last 9-12 months but my answer has always been no. I say no because I feel like I could do it myself and I didn't want to admit to being a failure, but also because my Aunty committed suicide when I was a kid.

But... after having a breakdown again on the weekend (in front of my kids, no less), I'm starting to wonder if I do have a problem. I meet all of the depression criteria on your website. All of them.

The thing is... I'm scared.

Im scared that things will never get better, that people will see me differently because I'm admitting to being broken, that the medication will make me put on weight and not think clearly.... I'm scared that my life will never be good again.

But I can't keep going how I have been. I'm losing friends, my business is suffering, my kids have now been I packed.

i don't really know what I'm asking for... except for maybe some reassurance from others who remember that moment where they realised that they had been pushing the sh%t uphill for too long.

my family and friends are all exhausted from my life and my inability to cope so I'm somewhat alone.... or that's how it feels. And I don't have any skill in coping with my anxiety productively when I'm alone. It all just comes undone.

i get that I'm unwell. but I feel scared, alone and not sure how to help myself... but in a panic that it will never get better. Not sure if I should be relying on others for support or not.

i just don't know anymore.

[flossie62]

Hi PCBeach,

I am a newbie here, but thought I could offer a bit of advice.

Firstly, don't give up. I am nearly twice your age and I have got through it. I hated the thought of going on antidepressants, and have always said no - until about 6 years ago when I was at the end of my tether. I should have sought help a long time ago, but always believed that I could sort myself out. I would get over the hump, and carry on until the next time.

I have grown up in a different era, where mental illness was never talked about, and when it was, it was behind closed doors. I didn't want people to think I was weak, even though in my own head I knew I was.

You are so young, and I'm happy that you are already aware of your issues and will be able to take positive steps to help yourself. I have just downloaded some meditation apps, and am trying to get into the habit of doing some meditation. In the past I have thought meditation to be a load of rubbish, but I am changing and am willing to give everything a go.

It's good that you have already sought medical help.

I don't know what else to say, but keep in mind that you are not alone. Now that I am on this forum, I am becoming more and more aware of how many people are in the same situation. There is always someone ready to talk to you.

[Wednesday]

Hello PCBeach,

I'm really pleased you came to the forum it's a great place to chat and work through things. There are many people with lots of experience to help out too. There is also the chatline 1300 22 4436 available 24/7. So you are really not alone!

My, so many horrible things have happened to you over the last four years it is no surprise that you're depressed. You are not a failure and tho it is sad that your Aunty did not find a way to get through her illness, you are not your Aunty, don't compare, it's not useful.

You said:

Im scared that things will never get better, that people will see me differently because I'm admitting to being broken, that the medication will make me put on weight and not think clearly.... I'm scared that my life will never be good again.

This is just a moment in time that you are trying to manage without enough support. It's great that you have a GP and psych to go to for advice. But my sweet you are not taking your GP's advice, do you think they would suggest AD's if they didn't think they would be useful? So if you take a tablet everyday and it makes you feel normal (whatever normal is), does it really matter? By the way my AD's don't make me put on weight. I should say that I have taken AD's for 30 years and will take them for the rest of my life. I admit that I don't readily tell people about taking the meds, but that may well be a personality thing. Of course your not broken, you're just not well at the moment and hey and you don't have to tell anyone either if your don't want to it's your life.

One way of looking at it is... if you fell over and badly sprained or even broke your ankle you would see a GP, you would probably see a physio for therapy and you may take pain killers and anti-inflammatory meds for a while and take some time at to rest up. It's just the way you think about it.. advice, therapy medication. The AD's wont necessarily solve your problems but what they will do is soothe your poor frazzle brain help you think more easily so you can make better use of your psych visits and plan your recovery and life.

You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, being a single parent as well as having a business that you need to support your family, is enough with out all the other stuff you have to cope with. If you don't look after yourself and your babies who will?

Sweetie, please take better care of yourself, show those babies that their mum takes action and manages her life.

Take care

[MarkJT]

PCBeach, first and foremost, sit back, take a breath and please realise just how much strength and courage it took to write that post. Well done and now use that strength and courage that you so clearly have and use it to get your life back.

Let me tell you that you are not weak, you are not a failure and you are loved, you are wanted and you are appreciated. Your brain is playing tricks on you. You have had an incredibly difficult four years and you have gone through enough. More than others go through in a lifetime, if ever.

When we become mentally ill or injured, it is extremely frightening. I was hospitalised in 2013 with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I was scared massive. Scared that i would no longer have a life. I sat on a shower floor in hospital, completely broken, no self worth, no idea how i was going to recover and it took me 10 minutes to get off that floor and seek help. 10 minutes, 10 minutes of arguing with myself to just stand up and call a nurse. I am now functioning really well, so yes you can live again, not just survive but live.

Like you, I shunned medication for nearly two years. I wasn't against it, I just didn't want it. My recovery stalled and i flattened out so i decided to give medication a try. I needed that assist to get me over the line so that i could live again. I had some side effects with the first batch i tried so decided to try another type and it worked. I have it daily now and it is something you just get used to. Every morning i have an alarm in my phone that goes off to ensure I don't forget to take it. Its a part of life now and I am happy to take the meds. I was scared they wouldn't work as well but they did.

I would have so dearly loved to beat PTSD by myself but then again, there is absolutely no shame in having the assist in medication. I remember asking myself when i was considering it, "What would you do if you have a really bad toothache, would you have some pain relief or would you ride it out". My answer was take some pain relief so what is the difference? To me, there is none.

You will NOT be a failure if you try medication, far from it. I actually think it is a win for you because you are taking control of your life, you are the one that is saying, "no more". I see so many people needing help but waiting for others to do it (not saying this is you), my advice is to take control of your life. Speak to the GP and Psych again, get an understanding of meds and give it a go. What have you got to lose?