Autism, infertility, medical issues - I'm drowning.

[Lorrae_xo]

I'm worried I may be suffering with some depression and it scares me. This post may not make sense as I think I need to just ramble in order to get everything out.
Basically where I am right now in life is right at the end of 24 months back to back of fertility treatments trying to conceive another baby (first was also conceived after 18 months with fertility help). I have a lot of guilt overflowing from me regarding our issues because my husband's fertility is perfect (been tested multiple times).
We had just had our 24th consecutive cycle fail and were signing paper work to start a new plan of attack when my FS (fertility specialist) ordered a complete blood work up because I suffer with a condition called PCOS (polycycstic ovarian syndrome) and unfortunately for me I have it very severe. Basically in the space of a few hours we went from talking about how I'd more than likely be pregnant again by the end of the year to receiving what felt like a death sentence. Basically my condition has gotten completely out of control even with medication and diet and I'm right on the edge of developing a lot of life threatening conditions...and i'm only 28. So we have been forced to stop trying for another baby and I need to have a scary operation done that I never wanted to do but am being essentially forced into. Or I probably wont make it past 50. So I'm trying to process that and essentially grieve the loss of something I have fought for and wanted so badly which naturally comes with grief and guilt by the truckloads. Then less than 24 hours after all of that unfolded my 2.5 year old son was diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder). In the last few weeks following that it feels like my son's behaviours have amplified by a lot and I am overwhelmed with this hopelessness. I don't think I'm good enough for my son. i don't think i am good enough to be the mother of an autistic child. I feel like I'm going to fail him. Which has been so heart breaking because I love him more than I love anyone, even myself. I'm also pretty sure its my fault he has autism...
But in the last 2 weeks I have found myself crying all the time. Im tired but I can't sleep. Im snappy and angry. So angry at the world for everything thats happened. We are good people. So many awful people get pregnant at the drop of a hat and healthy kids to then just abuse and neglect and here we are. And here I am. Falling apart and hiding so no one knows i can't handle everything thats happened.

[Alexlisa]

Hello Lorrae_xo

I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time. It’s great that you reached out here as I can hear that you need someone to really hear you.

You have so much going on that it sounds like it might be very helpful to reach out to a psychologist to help you to work through your feelings about the fertility, autism and parenting issues. They will be able to listen to all your concerns and help you to work through them and teach you skills for moving forward. If you see your GP they can give you a Mental Health Care Plan which will allow you to see a psychologist up to 10 times per year, for free. You’ve been very brave to get this far, but sometimes we need that extra guidance in the confusing and dark times.

Regarding the fertility issue, I feel your grief. Not being able to have a child is heartbreaking and I myself have found it near unbearable at times to live with. It’s hard for others who haven’t been through it to understand, because it almost feels like a primal loss. We are physiologically programmed to have and raise children, so when it doesn’t or can’t happen, it feels like such a deep loss. Or at least, it has felt like that for me.

I wish I could lift your heart with an answer to the grief, but I will say that it does get easier with time. I’ve relied heavily on my psychologist to help me find some tenuous level of peace with the situation. Which I never thought I’d find. But I don’t think I could have done it without her guidance.

Please think about reaching out to a psychologist. You deserve to be supported in such a trying time. No one should have to do it alone.

Take care
Alexlisa