At a crossroads

[Ranga-1]

Hi, I'm in my fifties and for the past few years my husband has been chronically ill. For the past few years, it's been one thing after the other, insofar as his health is concerned. I work and study (hopefully complete my online degree this year or early next year). 

I see a psychologist and am encouraging my husband to do the same. He cannot work and this depresses him, along with the health issues. 

I feel like we are heading in different directions (maybe because I"m busy and on a new career path). I find myself constantly resentful and irritated with him. I'm wondering if this is normal when dealing with spouse who is not firing on all cylinders. I have checked in with our two young adult sons and they tell me they're coping okay with their dad's issues, which makes me feel a bit better.

I wonder about moving away from this area when I finish my degree because I think I would prefer a different working environment than what's on offer here. I could possibly get a rental and have our son move in - it would do him good to get away from this area because there's nothing here for him that he's interested in. He's studying at the moment two days a week, so it's good he's occupied.

Any thoughts or support from this wonderful community would be appreciated. 

[Fiatlux]

Hi Ranga-1,

Where do I start. I’m 56 and husband 61. It’s normal for me to become irritated when husband talks about his constant health issues. I have been dealing with this for over 30 years during our marriage but since 2018 it’s one thing after another. Prior to that it was sports injuries requiring surgery that were annoying although at 61 he may need surgery for irritating an old injury.

I have called him a hypochondriac on numerous occasions and also told him that I wasn’t interested as most of his health issues are all self inflicted. I can’t deal with it anymore.

Just last week he wanted me to read some results he had emailed to him from a clinic about some tests he had done. Note, he has tests done every other month. I didn’t understand the report he showed me, nor was I interested. He got angry with me because they had used large bold letters in red to highlight the bad results. He thought that the Red headings were alarming.

Sometimes I wonder if he would have all these tests if he couldn’t afford them. He attends expenses private clinics. I have told him that I don’t have much faith in this clinic. Why isn’t he being referred to Dr’s in the public sector?

He tells me that his GP isn’t informed about the condition he apparently has. It has something to do with his digestive system. Something that both his parents possibly also suffered from. They too saw their GP every month but never improved.

I don’t want to sound uncaring or mean but I have had a gut full. Mother in law once asked me why I never go to the GP? Because I am not ill. I am however in menopause and in the last 6 months sought treatment to alleviate symptoms but I don’t carry on about it.

We too have 2 adult sons, the youngest is still living with us. My son took a day off work only yesterday to take Dad for an MRI and as husband suffers from claustrophobic he needs to be sedated so someone needs to be with him to drive him home. My son was pretty irritated when they arrived home afterwards.

With regards to husband’s health issues, even our boys have the attitude of “what now”.

My husband and I were separated in 2019 but I moved back home in 2021. The separation was great for me but not for him. Follow your heart or your instincts and maybe the move away will be good for both of you.

Take care and all the best. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Ranga-1]

Hi, Flatlux.

I totally get your frustration. It's so difficult for you, I can tell. 

My husband's issues are not hypochondriac-related, but when it's constant, it is so difficult.

[randomxx]

l don't understand any of this from a supposed married couple point of view or loving w. l've known and hear of literally dozens on husbands looking after thier wives . My dad went through 40yrs of more drama than you could possibly imagine for mum, my 2 brothers are going through similar with their wives. Myself with my gf 53 , on and on. My ex w 11yrs younger than me through no fault of her own poor thing had problem after problem 22yrs.

Yet it seems if the tables turn , where is the love, l don't understand what your saying op bc it sounds like bc your h is sick , your leaving .

[Fiatlux]

Oh Dear randomxx,

I am truly sorry that this has triggered you and so sorry for Ranga-1 that she is in this situation.

Unfortunately, I am married to an awful self centred narcissist and I too get triggered. The man I am married to has little care or respect for me on a basic human level yet excepts everyone to be there to support him. As I type this on a Saturday evening, he’s gone out somewhere with a friend?

Take care and wishing you all the best 🙏🏼

[Fiatlux]

Ranga-1, I sincerely hope that you can work through this together and the future is better and brighter than the current. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Ranga-1]

I didn't say I was leaving because he is sick. I have had the feeling we are on different planes for a while. We still love each other. My love hasn't gone, but my patience has. It's DAMN DIFFICULT being in this position. I'm finding it difficult to be married for him. I would never desert him but I'm finding my living circumstances difficult for a variety of reasons. Dial back on the judgement. 

[therising]

Hi Ranga-1

Can't help but wonder what's behind the resentment and irritation. Do you feel your husband's not doing enough to help himself? Could it be aimed partly toward the medical people who perhaps aren't doing enough in order to create some positive differences for him, ones he can feel or gain a sense of relief through? Could it be based on maybe you doing all you can do (all the hard work) that it takes to manage your own mental health but he refuses to do any of that kind of work? Could it involve a bit of carers burnout and you're resenting feeling exhausted in some way? Do you resent having to manage so much, maybe largely on your own? I think, sometimes, it's hard to pinpoint what resentment and irritation is precisely about. Sometimes it can involve a collection of things with half of those things involving what we're not even conscious of. Becoming more conscious of what it's all about means being able to better manage in more strategic ways.

[randomxx]

Hi there op .

Wouldn't really call it triggered as such more so just a very disappointing reality that l've seen and heard about all too often when tables are turned. But well in one sense anyway then in your case it's good to hear there's a lot more to it but of course on the other hand sorry to hear about the marriage situation to though.

l hope you can work it out out in the way you feel best about then anyway.

rx

[randomxx]

Ranga as l just explained to op l won't go there again but as you say in your case then you still love ea other, personally in that case then l'd still be at a bit of a loss.

Could counselling help at all well, depends if you'd rather work it out or not.

He sounds like my partner now she'd been seeing docs and skrinks and having tests for yrs they basically all tell her to go home they can't find anything. But yet she upturns our world bc of all this health stuff that doesn't seem to exist according any tests and people she's ever seen.

Matter of fact she dances 3 and 4 times a wk can walk 15k without batting an eyelid kayak 3hrs, same, and is in better shape and fitter than 90% of other women out there , only looks 35, yet still on and on it goes.

So yeah, maybe  hear ya on that stuff then .